Lyudmila Petranovskaya if mom is at zero. Available Petranovskaya - if mom is at zero

Are you familiar with the state of a dead battery, emotional burnout, physical and mental fatigue? When, for no particular reason, you lash out at your family, spinning like a squirrel in a wheel between household chores, husband, child/children, clubs, work... And everything is automatic, without enthusiasm. Welcome to the club! All mothers are there!

And I was there, drinking honey and beer. And more than once. The last one is quite recent. When we didn’t yet know where it would be and seemed to be stuck in space and time: kindergarten, work, the same routes, the same food, with a minimum of meetings, sleep and health. Battery 0%. “We’re just living,” I answered, although it would probably be more accurate to say “we’ve gone to the bottom and are waiting it out.” I was tired of thinking about questions to which I don’t know the answers, I was tired of being a mother and I turned on autopilot mode: pasta for dinner, cartoons and ice cream...

This Tuesday, in Moscow, I was lucky enough to attend a very emotional meeting - the presentation of a book Anastasia Izyumskaya And Anna Kuusmaa“Mom is at zero. A Guide to Parental Burnout." The authors decided to collect stories of “zero” and their way out of it from 15 heroines and publish them in one book along with comments and self-help methods from famous psychologists.

At the presentation were family psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya; psychologist, psychotherapist and mother of 11 children Ekaterina Burmistrova; psychologist, doula and mentor “Birthing from within” Daria Utkina.

It would be a sin not to ask such gurus for some specific advice WHAT TO DO IN PARENTAL BURNOUT, while the miracle book has not yet gone on sale.

Lyudmila Petranovskaya replied that you need to understand that burnout is a painful condition. What do you do when you're sick?
1- Go to the doctor!
2- If it’s a mild cold, treat yourself, but reduce your workload: sleep more, pay attention to yourself, etc.
Later, when you come out of a state of burnout, you might wonder why you “catch a cold” five times a year.

Ekaterina Burmistrova added that many mothers
1- “They are experiencing a cold on their feet,” that is, they do not recognize the situation of burnout, they cannot shift the focus from the child to themselves and discern their condition, notice the markers.
2- Don't ask for help. It is not helpful for mothers to deal with all the issues themselves. You need to turn off your perfectionism!
3- They forget that prolactin and hormonal changes make us not always adequate.

To understand your markers, you need to know what your normal self is! Take your evening state, when everyone is sleeping and you love everyone again. (psychologist and mother of 11 children E. Burmistrova)

E. Burmistrova advised to think about markers in the traffic light format. How do you behave when you are green and everything is fine. What a mess you are, red one. AND How do you behave in a transitional, yellow state? For example: I’m not yelling yet, but the thoughts “I’m not good for anything” are already spinning in my head.

In the car on the way home, I asked my husband what signals I gave him to understand that I was about to explode. So many new insights!!! Well, here’s some fresh household stuff: my husband came home from work later and we had dinner later – that’s ok. Well, we don’t buy the child an evening in the shower so that he can go to bed at the usual time, no disaster!
But if not one, but two or three planned events from the evening ritual are shifted in time, then, according to my husband, I automatically begin to boil. That's right! As it usually happens in my head: now I’ll put the little one to bed and work, write an article, take a shower, read, watch something with my husband...
But in fact it turns out: later dinner + then we played our new board game Outfoxed together + for some reason we spent longer in the bathroom + my husband and son watched “Good Night Kids” before bed with a long cartoon about Marin instead of short Fixies, + I read to my son a book before bed and today’s two chapters, as luck would have it, turned out to be the longest... And Granny Yozhka, tired and irritated with the whole world, crawls out of the children’s room, who, in fact, had a lot of plans for the evening, and only had the strength left to scroll through the feed Facebook with tea and cookies.
And my husband, it turns out, after two or three delayed steps, understands that everything is not going according to my scenario, I will be angry and at zero, and puts the kettle on for me... 😍 For me, this is just a revelation! And tea now seems a thousand times more valuable, and in recent days I began to notice my evening perfectionism-boringness myself and try to regulate it.

Ask your spouse in a calm moment what your indicators are!

L. Petranovskaya mentioned another universal marker of burnout: when you don't want anything new! When you move with your child along the shortest trajectory familiar to you: no new places, no new games, no new dishes, no new acquaintances... When there is no excitement in life. Sound familiar?

Then our conversation changed focus to couple relationship. Like, if an emotionally mature husband holds on for the first year of the baby, knowing what you were like before pregnancy and childbirth, then by the 2-3rd year of the child the “airbag” ends. The maximum number of divorces occurs during this period. Conclusion - it is very important to find time for two! At least talk.

Our experts at the meeting said in unison that no babysitter will disrupt your connection and attachment theory with your child. They allowed the child to turn on cartoons so that the parents could put away their phones and calmly drink tea together in the kitchen and talk for 10-30 minutes. Burmistrova shared that in France, parents spend three evenings a week without children: on a date together, meeting with friends and doing, for example, joint sports. I don’t know, I don’t know... This fall we... I'll check it out!

Interesting discussion guilt and what to do with it. Petranovskaya advised thinking about what you are like with and without guilt. It’s good if the guilt is functional, for example, “don’t drive while drunk.” Which one of you is the best mother: the one with or without guilt?

I understood very well the question from the audience about a temperamental mother: what to do if the bull terrier’s grip is triggered and carries on the family so that you can’t stop. Technique from psychologist Burmistrova: pause, break contact, subtract from 1000 to 13 in your mind. 1000-13=987, 987-13=974... Let me remind you for a second that she is the mother of 11 children! He says he lets go around 400!
Petranovskaya adds: switch your head from the emotional to the rational part (as in the case of mental counting), or to the physical part: listen to your breathing, go to the window...

And finally, there was advice for mothers who have children with different temperaments. For example, a child eats porridge for an hour, and the mother freaks out and gets worked up. Look at the child as a coach: “How does he manage to eat porridge for an hour?”...

Let me return to the book “Mom at Zero” itself. It also contains self-help practices: how to support yourself when there is nowhere to look for support: quick recovery techniques, tips on how to improve sleep for mother and child, 10 scenarios for half-hour escapes, 7 books for support and inspiration, 15 films about parenting that will cheer you up, 13 websites useful for parents, 21 recipes for a tired mother and 12 motivational notes.

In general, I have already pre-ordered! This book definitely won't be too much!

Pre-orders can be made on the website frekenbooks.ru and until November 15 you can use the discount coupon: .The book will soon go into print and will be published by the Samokat publishing house.

And by the way, with the same promotional code: on the Family3.ru website you can buy the webinar course by Lyudmila Petranovskaya “Mom at Zero” with a 30% discount.

Full batteries and good mood!!!

If mom is at zero
author: Lyudmila Petranovskaya

If, after becoming a parent, you constantly feel tired;

If from time to time you find yourself carrying out parenting duties purely mechanically and without emotion;

If you consider yourself not a good enough parent and sometimes feel guilty before your child;

If you thought that when you have children, you will never do the same as your mom/dad did, but... you do;

If you don't know how to recharge yourself with energy...

The cycle consists of 5 lectures:

“Introductory” - about what emotional burnout syndrome is in parents.
“Parental neurosis” - why is being a parent so difficult?
“In pursuit of the ideal” - what is the danger of parental perfectionism?
“Can’t be conveyed further” - how do your own childhood traumas make parenting difficult?
“Making children a good mother” - about where to get the resource.

From the lectures you will learn:

How to spot the first signs of emotional burnout
- why is social pressure on parents dangerous (from grandmothers to authoritative psychologists),
- what is a “good enough mother” and how does this differ from the perfectionism of modern mothers?
- what do our children really need from us?
- Do we need to correct the educational mistakes of our own parents?
- how to take care of yourself during difficult periods?

The loop will help you:

Treat yourself with care and respect,
- protect your family from the destructive influence of public opinion,
- deal with your own parental guilt and anxiety in an environmentally friendly way,
- take care of the inner child,
- notice warning signs in time,
- search and find resources.
Detailed lecture structure

"I can not anymore". Emotional burnout (EB) in parents.
What is EV syndrome and why does it occur?
Signs of burnout.
Risk factors.
How to help yourself.

Why is being a parent so difficult today?
The third wheel in a parent-child relationship.
Pressure from society and other family members - why it destroys the parent and
causes injury to the child.
“And also psychologists...” - why sometimes psychological knowledge only makes things worse.
Parental guilt and parental anxiety - safety precautions in handling them.
3. In pursuit of the ideal
August 17

Parental perfectionism, where it comes from and what it leads to.
“The excellent student complex” as a factor provoking nervous exhaustion and poisoning motherhood.
The ideal parent is the dream and nightmare of a real parent.
Why nervous exhaustion is an “occupational disease” of modern smart, successful mothers.
The “me or the child” dilemma.
What is a “good enough mother”?
4. Don't pass it on
August 22

How your own childhood traumas make parenting difficult.
Where it is thin, it breaks - “wrong” reactions as a sign of a lack of resource.
Do you need to correct the mistakes of your own parents?
How to take care of your inner child.
How do you know when it's time to seek help?
5. “We make a good mother for children”
24 August

What do children really need from us?
How to help yourself? Search for resources.
Working with the body and breathing to overcome stress.
Support group: where to get help and how to get it correctly.
How can the family help the mother?
Nanny and kindergarten: so that help does not turn into even bigger problems, safety precautions.
The art of dumping ballast.

Prepare yourself for a long and thoughtful read. WHAT IS EMOTIONAL BURNOUT SYNDROME (EB)? Burnout syndrome was diagnosed and described in America in the last century. A social service was organized there, where people were very carefully selected. Future social workers were selected, tested, they were specially prepared, trained, they were all highly motivated for such work. However, somewhere in the second year of operation of this service, complaints began from those who were helped about rudeness, rudeness, indifference... Although the employees were still the same ones who worked at the beginning. That’s when they began to study this phenomenon, which later became known as “Emotional Burnout Syndrome.” Traditionally, this term is used in relation to people in helping professions, the so-called. “helpers” - social workers, doctors, nurses, teachers. That is, those who are in a dependent relationship with a weaker, more vulnerable person. With someone who is weaker than him, who is feeling bad now. Not necessarily weaker in the physical sense of the word. This could be a family in crisis, relatives of a seriously ill person, or a special child and his family... These are, one way or another, people who are not feeling well and who seek help.

A helper is a person who has a lot to do with some kind of helplessness, with the fact that people cannot cope, with the fact that they feel bad, anxious, sad, etc. And he always plays the role of someone who knows, who must remain calm, not lose good spirits, optimism. Long-term communication stress is created, which begins to undermine the nervous system and psyche.

SYNDROME EMOTIONAL BURNOUT AT PARENTS

If this syndrome is somehow understandable in relation to professional helpers, they work with it and prevent it. The same helpers have supervisors, support groups, and they can change their work schedule. It is somehow not customary to discuss this phenomenon in relation to parents. In our country, parental helplessness is not socially approved. And if the mother, for example, is already in the first or second stage of EV, then she is more likely to hear “Come on, get it together, you wimp!” (yes, EV syndrome may not necessarily only occur in the mother; fathers and grandparents are also susceptible to it). Although in fact, if the parent is not pulled out of this state in time, the whole family will suffer.

We must understand that EV does not happen all at once. This is not the flu, when I caught the virus in the morning, my temperature jumped in the evening. This condition accumulates gradually. And you need to understand that you won’t be able to get out of it quickly.

WHO IS MOST AT RISK EMOTIONAL BURNOUT

Parents with children less than 5 years apart. This is almost always a stage of tension, because two children constantly want something from their mother, constantly demand her attention, inclusion, presence.

Parents of a frequently ill child. These may be quite standard colds, but if the family lives in the mode of “a week in kindergarten, two in sick leave,” then this is also draining.

Naturally this parents of seriously ill children, special children. But such families need special support and attention.

Moms who go to work early or work from home, live in the so-called multitasking mode. But multitasking is something that drains the psyche. Although a woman is more capable of solving several problems at the same time, everything has its limits. Each specific task may not be difficult, but when there are too many of them, it becomes draining. What to do? Reduce multitasking. If you need to work at home, then entrust the child to someone. If you’ve finished work, turn off your phone, your email, and don’t think about work. Despite the reserve of safety that nature has, there is no need to test yourself! Always leave a backlog. After all, there will be emergency situations and time pressures so that you have the strength to cope with it all.

Single-parent families when the entire burden of raising children falls on one adult.

Families who are forced to live in difficult living conditions(crowded conditions, the need to constantly heat the house in winter, carry water, etc.), have difficulties with money, etc.

Conflict family when the family is not the rear, but the second front and adults are forced to constantly make efforts to smooth out or overcome conflicts.

Adults who have themselves experienced developmental trauma. If the parent himself did not have a psychologically successful childhood. If you have your own childhood attachment traumas. Any attachment trauma can become a risk factor for the development of EV. If the child was small and no one approached him while he was crying, then in adulthood such a person may give an inadequate reaction to crying. The crying of a child is an unbearable sound for him, and he will be irritated by this again and again. If a 3-year-old child was responded to with aggression during a crisis, then as an adult he will then become aggressive towards his child. This is a pattern of sustainable behavior. The consequence is guilt, lack of self-confidence as a good parent.

The presence of a “third wheel”. We are much more tolerant of children when we are at home with them. We get nervous when they behave badly in public.

Perfectionism. A high bar, great demands on the image of an ideal parent. Excellent student complex. A child should always be washed, beautiful, well-fed, healthy, smart, well-mannered. If this is not the case, then the mother begins to feel anxious. Perfectionism is a direct path to emotional burnout.

A SNOWBALL OF SMALL PROBLEMS…

When there is too much stress, it’s like a snowball. And each of them may not represent anything... Each by itself is ordinary everyday events. But when there are many of them and for a long time, and there is not enough support, then they turn into some kind of wave of problems. Therefore, from the outside it seems to others that everyone lives like this, why is she suddenly whining? But in fact, this is the sthenic stage - when the child is not happy, there is no lightness, no pleasure from communicating with the child, there are no ideas on how to distract a capricious child. Any deviation from the plan is annoying. Here you are going somewhere, the child is already dressed, at that moment something happened. For example, a child poured compote on himself - it seems like a trifle, but the mother yells at him or may even spank him.

At the sthenic stage, the body goes into energy saving mode.

A metaphor will work here. If you are full of strength, energy, you have a good mood, plans, you walk down the street with a dancing gait. If there is some kind of obstacle in front of you - a pebble, a hole, you will easily jump over it, go around it and not even pay serious attention. A person in a sthenic state is a tired person, he walks with a load, bags, his legs are sore. Any obstacle in this state drives you crazy. The need to make an effort to jump over or go around it is very exhausting. The sthenic stage is an economy mode when everything needs to be done with a minimum of effort.

WITHOUT GUILT GUILTY

When a person notices his irritability, guilt turns on. Self-flagellation begins: “I’m a bad mother”, “I can’t cope”, irritation and aggression appear both towards oneself and towards others... Guilt adds even more exhaustion. The incident (when you yelled at a child, for example) has passed, but the worries continue, self-esteem drops. And this affects the child and the relationship with him and with household members. The child begins to feel the parents’ insecurity, worry, behave worse, be capricious, and aggressive. A vicious circle is formed. A tired parent lashes out at the child, the child responds with behaviorally disapproved things, the parent lashes out even more... Snowball.

WHAT TO DO IF YOU DETECT YOURSELF HAVE SYNDROME EMOTIONAL BURNOUT ?

It is much better to stop at the sthenic stage and try to get a resource. If the asthenic stage has begun, measures must be taken.

If you see signs of EV in a loved one, then sometimes it is much more cost-effective to give him a resource: feed him, put him to bed, bring him tea in bed, pet him, give him the opportunity to feel surrounded by care.

If you see signs of EV in yourself, then you should accept your imperfection and treat yourself more kindly and warmly.

It is important to dump ballast. All unnecessary, redundant tasks, unnecessary chores, household chores. We take care of ourselves first. How can one not remember the airline rules? “First an oxygen mask for yourself, then for the child.” Because a burnt out, exhausted mother will no longer be able to cope with parental responsibilities.

Be sure to get 7-8 hours of full sleep to recover. We must come up with any ways to ensure this sleep. A person should get enough sleep at least 2-3 times a week. Eat and walk normally and regularly. If there are signs of EV, go to a neurologist and drink something that supports the nervous system. B vitamins and magnesium are good here. It is necessary to support the nervous system in this way, too.

If you know about your childhood traumas, then you need to be ready to seek help from a psychologist. It’s better to directly plan this support for yourself.

Ask your relatives for any help - financial, to go for a walk with the children, to take them for the weekend. It's important to take care of yourself! Because Your self-care is an investment in your child.

Often a person does not ask for help and everyone thinks that everything is fine with him. It seems that there are many relatives, but you need to specifically ask them to help. You shouldn’t be shy about asking for a walk, helping with housework, asking for a loan, etc. Don't be shy to ask for help. There is nothing more important than restoring parental resources in raising a child. No material goods - toys, clothes, delicious food - can compensate a child for a happy and loving mother.

Use any resource that helps to improve your condition. Anything that improves physical and/or emotional well-being. Walks, hobbies, sauna, massage. Any chemical stimulants are not suitable here. Tea, coffee, alcohol. If you absolutely cannot live without coffee or tea, you need to change something in your schedule, and not upset your central nervous system. Be careful with alcohol! If you drank wine once in company, that’s one thing. Alcohol is a depressant; it does not nourish the central nervous system, but puts even more stress on it. It is not suitable as a regular remedy, and the risks are high.

Usually during consultations people ask the question “So how to deal with burnout?”. The key word here is “fight”. Fighting involves violence. And an exhausted person becomes even more exhausted in response to any violence, even if it is violence against himself.

If you are tired, if the child is annoying, you just need to feel sorry for yourself and admit that you are tired. Think warmly and kindly about yourself. If you fight - order yourself not to get irritated - this is an order to the psyche to “freeze off” your feelings. Cut off the part of yourself that is tired. Nothing good will come of this. This is not a question that needs to be resolved by force of will. If your irritation decreases, then the child will calm down and become easier to deal with.

This is only part of the introductory webinar. If you:

— want to understand the topic of parental burnout more deeply;
- feel that it is difficult for you to cope on your own;
— you want to receive individual recommendations and find the tools that are right for you,

then the leaders of the School of Conscious Parenting are for you “

Parental burnout has become a common psychological problem. In the new book by Lyudmila Petranovskaya, a Russian psychologist, teacher and writer, fifteen mothers and three fathers share similar experiences. Experts - psychologists, doctors and other specialists - discuss the mechanisms of burnout syndrome, its signs, forms of its manifestation - from postpartum depression to mental and physical exhaustion, and most importantly - talk about how to cope with all this. An important component of the book is recipes and self-help practices. Below we publish an excerpt from the book.

Like any disease, burnout is easier to prevent than to treat. The sooner you realize what is happening and come up with help for yourself, the faster and better it will work out.

Let's walk through the four stages of burnout and think about what you can do for yourself at each stage.

Without fanaticism

At the first stage everything is fine, everything works out, we don’t need help. But it is at this stage that we take on expectations and obligations that exceed our capabilities. In this state, we enroll the child in five clubs and then we realize that we don’t see white light, we just rush back and forth. It is in this state that we promise ourselves to start a new life on Monday, so that our child will never hear any bad word from us again. There is a big risk of raising the bar so high that later it will be high and painful to fall.

Sometimes mobilization is caused not by inspiration, but by danger. The child became seriously ill and had developmental problems. And the mother (and sometimes the father or grandmother) decides that she herself is not important at all, that she exists only for this child. Everything must now be subordinated to his health or development. This works at first, but if the problem is not resolved quickly, this state of emergency will inevitably lead to burnout. If such a decision has been made, you need to go back to it and change your mind.

None of us are a means for another person, even if he needs us. It is important to learn to live not in emergency mode and take care of yourself even in this difficult situation.

Joy and interest

In the second stage, adults live most of their lives. Remember the Soviet song about hope? “You just have to learn to wait, You have to be calm and stubborn, So that sometimes you can receive the joys of stingy telegrams from life.” This is a perfect description of the sthenic stage.

We calmly and stubbornly do our job, sometimes receiving doses of inspiration that allow us to cope with everything else. The children we love provide us with small bursts of joy many, many times a day. Even if we are tired, have not had enough sleep, even if the child has scattered his toys. But he snuggled up to us, smiled or said something funny. So we are still happy for a while again, we remember that we have the best child in the world, that we love him very much. It is important to notice these moments and enjoy them.

At the same time, there must be a part of life that is not dedicated to the child. Relationships - with spouse, partner, friends. Your adult affairs and interests. This should not be considered time stolen from a child. What you do for yourself will ultimately be good for your child too, because you will stay in good health longer.

Remember: everything that gives a parent a feeling of joy and confidence, a feeling that everything is good in life, that everything is in order - all this is done for the child. Therefore, if you spent time and money to improve your condition, and after that you are happy with yourself, happy with life, smiling at your child, then you ultimately spent money on the child. This is not a waste - it's an investment.

Well, and finally, the habit of taking care of yourself is an example for a child.

Children unconsciously internalize our life strategies, and it is a very dubious gift for a child to instill in him a strategy of treating himself with disdain.

It is very important that children see that we are attentive to our needs and know how to take care of ourselves. This does not mean that we should do nothing and lie with our feet up all day. The truth is, the vast majority of us don't need this at all. Unless the person is very overworked or sick. Most often, short breaks, small islands of peace, joy, and self-care are enough. But it should be a constant part of life. Not something you get once every hundred years, when you're almost ready to die.

With the first call

Between the second and third stages there is always some time when everything can still be corrected. If you pay attention to yourself and take care of yourself. Lay down straws. Increase resource flow.

A clear sign that the evening is no longer languid is the feeling “I don’t belong to myself,” “I’m not doing what I want,” “I’m constantly making an effort,” “I have to force myself.”

You can't get rid of it completely. If you have a small child who cries at night, you will have to get up to him, including when you don’t want to get up. But if you begin to understand that this is consuming your whole life, that you don’t feel any joy; If you begin to feel like a means, or even a victim, it’s time to take action. The sooner you realize your condition and start taking care of yourself, the faster everything will return to normal.

Role balance

What is the meaning of burnout syndrome? More comes out of the vessel than enters. You are constantly forced to give your child more than you have. At first you give joyfully, at first you have a lot, then at some point you have to give, but there is nothing there, you are already sweeping the bottom of the barrel, with all your strength. The giving, dominant, responsible role is overloaded. This means that in order to restore balance, you need to “feed” the opposite role - dependent, childish, weak.

Often, for a mother to recover, it is much more effective not so much to take care of the child instead of her, but to take care of her herself.

Hug, feel sorry, ask how she feels, and not just: “How did he eat? How did he poop?” Make mom tea, bring breakfast to bed, cover her with a blanket, kiss her, give her something nice - that is, treat her like a child.

The husband can do this. Parents can. Mom can do this for herself. Don’t be shy about asking your loved ones: “Please do this for me, I will be pleased.” Prepare me something that I have loved since childhood. Pamper me."

Often men think that they are helping their wife by doing something for the child. But this is their parental, it is rather important for their relationship with the child. And for the wife it is important to do what pleases her. What will allow her to relax and feel loved. As a result, the “take-give” balance is normalized, balance is restored, and now it is easier for the mother to be an adult and give to the child again.

Resource list

Typically, when we are exhausted, we find it difficult to think and plan. It seems like you need to do something nice for yourself, but you don’t have the strength to think of anything, you just want to lie down and die. Therefore, you need to think about resources earlier. Therefore, it is important in advance, when you are still in shape, to make a “stock of ideas” in the form of a resource list, a file where you can enter all the activities that bring joy and relaxation. Bath, walk, reading, meeting with a friend, music - at least 15-20 points.

It is important to always have this list at hand, on your computer desktop or in the top drawer of your dresser. So that when you feel bad, you can open it and, without turning your head on, complete any three steps over the next few days. You can show the list to your spouse so that as soon as he sees signs of burnout in you, he can take it out and organize something from the list for you.

One of the most frustrating features of burnout syndrome is anhedonia, the inability to experience joy and pleasure. Accordingly, everything that makes it possible to experience joy and pleasure is very good, it means that you have begun to get out of the syndrome.

Safety net

There is an old saying: “It takes a village to raise one child.” Its meaning is not that you need a village to feed and wash. One adult can do this. A village is needed to support a parent and pick up a child if he is out of shape.

It is very good if there are some people to whom you can complain about fatigue. Those who are often susceptible to burnout are those who are accustomed to being everyone’s vest: everyone complains to them, everyone turns to them, but they themselves cannot complain to anyone. Think about who it could be. It is advisable that these are not the closest relatives - let them help and care better. But second-level friends, Internet friends, buddies, can sometimes provide themselves as a listener for half an hour. Not every day, of course, but every day is not necessary.

You can agree with them: “I’m going through such a period in my life now, is it okay if I call you sometimes just to talk?”

It is important that there are not two or three such people, but five. You can then say: “If at any point you feel uncomfortable, just say so, because besides you, I still have several friends with whom I can talk.”

So that this is not a duty for a person. In fact, this will not be a burden to him, because you will not call more often than once a month. But it is a huge support when you know that such people exist, that you agreed with them, that they allowed it. And, as a rule, rarely does anyone refuse. Just call and tell us about yourself and your condition. The other person is not required to do anything, save you, or look for a way out of the situation. Just listen and say: “Yes, it’s hard for you, I understand and sympathize.”

Love yourself

Many people say: “I don’t have the strength to take care of myself. No possibility. A lot of children. No money. My husband doesn’t understand.”

This is never really the case. Imagine that your child would be hungry, dying of hunger. Would you also sit and say sadly: “no time, no strength, my husband doesn’t understand”?

You would do something.

It remains to realize that a parent in a resourceful state is as vital a necessity for a child as food. If he sees that his mother is feeling bad, that she is not coping with life, he simply cannot be calm and joyful. The happiest moments in most people's childhood memories are when their parents are happy, enthusiastic, cheerful, relaxed and when you can share these feelings with them. It is important that the child feels that you are happy for him, that you need him, that you enjoy life with him. This is what gives him the strength to develop. This is an order of magnitude more significant than the well-being of the family, education or everyday life.

Just realize that a kind mother is as important as food. Make this your priority. Create a list of resource activities and commit yourself to at least three items from that list each week. Either way - by washing or rolling. There may be something unfinished, but these three points must be there. It's a matter of determination. If you decide that it will be, then it will be.

I have never seen people who objectively did not have the opportunity to take care of themselves. Rather, these were people who were convinced that they did not have the right to do so. Those who have “I” - according to the residual principle. The first thing to do is change it in your head. Your child has nothing more important than you. The most important thing you can give your child is an example of caring for yourself. All your spending of energy, time, money on your well-being is not a waste, but an investment. Start from this.