Litvak Efimovich: If you want to be happy. If you want to be happy - Mikhail Litvak Read psychologist Mikhail Litvak how to become happy

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M.E. Litvak

IF YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY

To everyone who lost hope and dropped their hands

FROM THE AUTHOR

The first book, Psychological Aikido, received many reviews. Here is one of them. “Dear Mikhail Efimovich! I am a refugee from Armenia. I will not describe the hardships that my family had to endure. In Rostov, I read your book "Psychological Aikido", and it helped me to establish family relationships. And this compensated for the suffering we endured during the move. " Thanks for the fact that with the help of this book they were able to advance in the service, get rid of their offenders, and make a profitable deal. There have been many requests to continue publishing books of this kind. The topic was also proposed. After that, I wrote three more books:

"Psychological diet", "Neuroses", "Algorithm of luck".

The book you are now holding in your hands was conceived even when I began to apply modern methods in the treatment of patients with neuroses.

It turned out that patients with neuroses should not so much be treated as help them learn to be happy. Now you can exclaim: "I am already healthy and happy!" Well, I'm glad for you. Then don't get this book. You don't need it. It is for those who now have problems at home or at work, for those who are suffering from neurosis or psychosomatic illness, who feel that they are capable of more, but cannot realize their abilities. I think it will be useful for teachers, journalists, hands ^ teachers, salespeople, for everyone whose professional activity involves communication with a large number of people. it’s time to get away from petty tutelage. It is possible that she will help the quarreling spouses to save the marriage, and the desperate ones - to create their own family. I think with its help you will be able to advance in the service, come out of the conflict with honor or prevent it.

This book is devoted to the problem of communication and has five parts. I want to warn you right away that there are repetitions in it, but this is not the result of my negligence, but a pedagogical device, for "repetition is the mother of learning." I also understand that this book is not a detective story (it will not be read in a row), but a guide to action. And to send the reader to different pages each time would be disrespectful to him and would complicate the perception of the material. In addition, each section has its own meaning, and leaving it without any detail is like creating a sculpture when without an arm, when without a leg, and sometimes without a head.

In the first part shows how to communicate with yourself, how to love yourself, how to change your destiny. She practically repeats the book "I: Algorithm of Luck". In the second part I have tried to reveal the hidden springs of conflict. The previously published "Psychological Aikido" is its integral part.

The third part will help the reader to determine their place in the family or in the production team and improve their position if they do not like it. Basically, it is intended for young specialists who, by the will of fate or of their own free will, got into a managerial position and do not have management skills. It includes the "Psychological Diet", which sets out the technique of purposeful modeling of emotions, since the psychological climate in the team, from my point of view, entirely depends on the leader or leader.

Fourth part will help you quickly navigate in an unfamiliar company, successfully deliver a lecture or report to unfamiliar or completely unfamiliar people. I would like to think that it will be useful for politicians in drafting speeches and speeches at rallies (the author has experience in consulting election campaigns). Teaching public speaking techniques is often ineffective, as the speakers are unfamiliar with the basics of logic. This is why the chapter "Logic and Life" is included here.

Fifth part- this is my monograph "Neuroses". It is intended mainly for professionals (although I know that my patients also bought it) and is the methodological basis for the previous parts of the book.

The person wants to be happy. What should be done for this? First of all, do not strive for happiness, because it, like authority, and love, and joy, is a by-product of properly organized activity. Therefore, one must become worthy of happiness, i.e. personal growth is necessary. On this path you will acquire your own style, your own handwriting, and you will not be confused with others, because “to be is to be different”. I have tried to show in this book that every person has an algorithm for luck. And if you don't like your destiny, change it. Remember, Kozma Prutkov says: "If you want to be happy, be happy!"

Who is who or

SYSTEM OF VALUES

They say hope is the last to die. I would have killed her first. Hope is killed - and fear disappeared, hope is killed - and a person has become active, hope is killed - independence appeared. And the first thing I try to do for my clients and patients is to kill in them the hope that everything will somehow change, settle down, cost, endure, fall in love. No, it will not grind, it will not settle down, it will not manage, it will not endure, it will not fall in love!

As a psychotherapist, I have to deal with patients with neuroses. Neurosis is a neuropsychiatric disorder that develops after a trauma that disrupts the normal course of a person's life. Psychotrauma includes troubles at work and in the family. The patients themselves consider the wrong behavior of the communication partner or an unfavorable combination of circumstances to be the cause of the disease. They direct all their efforts to struggle with a partner or circumstances, but rarely think about their role in the occurrence of trouble.

Let me give you an example.

A., 38 years old, came to our clinic after attempting to commit suicide in a state of deep depression. The “groom” is an alcoholic living in A.'s apartment and at her expense, in her absence, brought his mistress to the house. I asked A. how her life was developing. It turned out that she was brought up in a hardworking peasant family, she was accustomed to live in the interests of the school and at home, to the detriment of her own. As a student, she married a classmate who turned out to be an alcoholic. For a year and a half I hoped, endured, forgave, persuaded. But still she was forced, she was to disperse with him. By that time, she already had a baby to feed. A. dropped out of school and returned to her parents. Health was good. She began to work as a machine operator. She got stronger financially and married the man with whom she worked together. He also turned out to be an alcoholic. Life with her first husband seemed like paradise to her. A. was forced to flee to the city, but with two children. Here she worked as an accountant, worked part-time sewing at home, received a three-room cooperative apartment. The friend of life was missing. A. .. tried to get married three times, but all the "suitors" turned out to be ... alcoholics. Health began to deteriorate. Doctors diagnosed hypertension, cholecystitis, uterine fibroids. A. .. often felt tired, irritated, tore off my anger at children, sad thoughts all the time overwhelmed, but still somehow held on. And only the last "groom" brought to the brink - the patient was poisoned. A. .. sweets had time, and in the clinic her condition was rapidly improving. I began to communicate with patients. Good relations were established with all. The women admired A.'s taste and discussed the styles of dresses with her. Men also enjoyed spending time in her company. It should be noted that about 20 men are treated at the same time in our department. We usually do not keep alcoholics, but when our unfortunate heroine was in the clinic, one alcoholic was treated with us.

Now, guess who she liked and who looked after her intensively? Right! It is he who is the only alcoholic in the clinic. And there are many such examples.

Many people shrug their shoulders - fate! Indeed, every day a person gets lucky many times. But he chooses, if this is his fate, the one that leads him to misfortune. The conclusion suggests itself - there is an algorithm that determines our destiny. And if he is unfaithful, then the person “loops”, and external circumstances are only a background for his misfortunes. Under unfavorable circumstances, full correspondence arises, and a person can explain his misfortunes with them. At least they sympathize with him! But if the circumstances are favorable, life becomes even more tragic. So, Cinderella, in accordance with her algorithm, should get married; for a neurotic or alcoholic and drag out a miserable existence. But thrift and kindness allow her to somehow make ends meet. When she marries the Prince, her life becomes hell. The palace is more difficult to clean. And then there's a dacha, a car ... And even a servant cannot be invited, for she will sit on Cinderella's head.

Treatment, especially medicinal, cannot change the patient's fate. To really help the patient, his algorithm should be changed, i.e. reeducate him. But it is impossible to re-educate an adult. You can only re-educate yourself!

If you are unhappy with yourself, I would like to hope that this first part of my book will help you in working on yourself, better understand yourself and others, choose a partner for yourself, and also, if you have children, raise them correctly and thereby save them from an unhappy fate and neurosis. Perhaps it will be useful for teachers, administrators and, in general, everyone who, by the nature of their work, is forced to communicate a lot with people.

If you just read this part with interest, even if you did not accept its provisions, I will be glad that I was able to keep you occupied for a while. But if you decide to use it for self-education, take one piece of advice:

start reading from the first chapter. My psychotherapeutic trainings begin with this material. The ideas in this chapter make many clients angry (some even stop communicating with me). I do not insist that I am right. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think so now! Those who disagree with me, you should know: when I thought differently than you do now, I brought a lot of grief to myself and those close to me. Stay with your opinion, if I have not convinced you and if everything is fine with you. But still think, maybe I am also right about something. There were times when my opponents, having gone through several more circles of their own hell, agreed with me.

So know yourself. First of all, I am a biological organism. In addition, being a representative and a member of human society, in the socio-psychological plan, I am a person. Let's leave the personality on the] side for a while and tackle the needs for a food, defensive, and sexual plan. They are listed in order of importance to the body. If I’m hungry, I’m not safe, I don’t have time for sex.

As mentioned above, the most important figure is me. That is, I myself must achieve certain benefits and be able to use them, take care of meeting my needs. But I cannot satisfy them without the help of partners. The second place in my post is occupied by the one who helps me "hunt and defend", i.e. the one who helps me earn money is an employee; the third is a sexual partner. If my sexual partner is also my employee, he becomes the closest and most necessary person for me.

The conclusion immediately suggests itself that the family will be strong if the husband and wife cooperate with each other, if they are engaged in a common cause (it is not at all necessary for this to have the same profession). Then, in accordance with the biblical instructions, "the husband will cleave to his wife." Unfortunately, often married life does not work out, and then the love that must be given to the spouse is transferred to another object (to a child, parent, to an animal, or even to some thing). Now for an example.

Patient B. had a moderate disease and a favorable outcome was expected. Parents reacted adequately to his condition and my conversations, came strictly at the appointed hours, were upset when their son got worse, and were happy when he improved. But his sister V., an interesting woman of 33 years old, cried during conversations with me, said that B. was her son, that she would not survive if everything ended tragically, promised to thank me, etc. She came very often and, in my opinion, annoyed with her intrusiveness not only the clinic staff, but also her brother. I decided to do it along the way. It turned out that she worked as a teacher in a small town near Rostov. Family life did not work out. She did not dare to have extramarital affairs for various reasons. Her brother was just a “psychological husband” for her, but her personal disorder (more precisely, its meaning) was forced out into the unconscious. V. turned out to be an intelligent woman and after a psychoanalytic conversation she realized that without bringing this into her consciousness, she would never solve the main problem. With self-deception, you can cry in public. But you won't cry because there is no husband] This can only be put into a pillow! V. began to behave more calmly. (I want to warn novice psychotherapists of psychoanalytic directions: show the patient the true picture, but in no case give him specific advice, illuminate the problem, but do not solve it for him.) B. we have cured. Several years passed, and he was again admitted to the clinic with an exacerbation. Parents, as before, came at the right time and behaved calmly. The sister was not there. It took about a month. Once I was on duty on Sunday. And when the time allotted for the dates has almost expired, V. rushes in, in a hurry hands the package to his brother and, having apologized to those in front, is going to leave. At that moment, I stopped her and asked about ... the state of health of her child. How did I know she got married and had a baby? This will be discussed in detail in another book, which deals with love. Yes, indeed, when a problem is brought into consciousness, it becomes possible to solve it.

A child can also be a “psychological spouse”. Somehow a girl of 19 years old with a rather mild illness was treated with us. But the mother's reaction was as if her daughter was dying. And the reason was that the mother did not have a good relationship with her husband.

And one more example.

I was consulted by a young family about sexual disharmony; this led the husband to hypopothesis. G.'s wife did not appreciate the importance of the recommendations and carried them out demonstratively reluctantly. The case ended in divorce, and G. was left alone with her five-year-old daughter. I advised her to try to arrange a personal life, but she decided to live for her daughter. Life periodically brought us together, and I warned G. that in about ten years she would turn to me about her relationship with her daughter. Seeing that these conversations were unpleasant to her, I stopped conducting them.

And so it happened. Ten years later, G. came to see me with her daughter. The problem was that the daughter came out dila out of obedience. C ^ zw the girl complained that she was unable to improve relations with the boys. " But lead it as it should have happened! The girl was with her mother all the time. There were men near the mother, and she could see how the woman was behaving. with a man. She had no one to take an example from, I had no one to imitate. The girl, when she developed a sexual attraction, herself imposed on the boys or was rude to them. And that I another frightened them away. The mother's conversations about how she should be blowing, they gave nothing. An elephant is not raised. In addition, unhappy parents raise unhappy children. Parents need to be shown, not told, the child how to live. If you want your child to be happy, first be happy yourself! I advised G. to leave the girl alone. She suggested that her daughter would go shockingly. I agreed with her, but noticed that over time, everything will definitely work out, provided that G. leaves my daughter alone. She obeyed me. The girl really went from hand to hand. But after a year and a half it changed. She, as they say, took on ya mind. OtG. I found out that my daughter was admitted to the university. I was puffing up with great interest.

A here is a somewhat curious case.

D.'s cat disappeared, and at a group session in psychotherapy she spoke about the atom with sad irony. D. understood that it was not about the cat. But understanding does not always remove the experience, although I makes it easier. You have already guessed, of course, that D. did not love her husband.

What am I all about women? Men have the same problems. But, as a rule, they solve them, leaving for industrial and public work (this is the best option), or with the help of vodka and mistresses.

So, I hope I convinced you that it is necessary to establish a personal life, a relationship with a spouse, and a substitution not not only ineffective, but also harmful.

Well, what about the children? Children fall into fourth place. It seems wild, but it really is. Tell me, my dear readers, when you conceived your children, did you think about them? No. Children only later occupied your thoughts. Our earliest ancestors, I am sure, did not associate sexual intercourse with the birth of a child. They just solved their questions, i.e. lived for themselves. Practice and clinical experience show that when at this moment they think about the details, they do not get the desired result.

If I live for myself, what should I do with the children? To educate them so that they quickly become independent of me and I can again go about my business. Animals do just that. They teach their young to hunt. And as soon as the latter begin to hunt themselves, they leave the family, but quite often remain in the flock. (This is the nature of herd animals, and ours too, if we ignore some social moments.) Should we not adopt the indicated "educational principle" from animals?

Obviously, a child, in accordance with his age, must do something for himself: at 2 years old, hold a spoon on his own, at 7 years old - dress without anyone's help, at 10 - serve himself completely, at 14-15 - earn pocket money. money.

Do children benefit from this approach? Win. They learn everything. Parents who claim that they live for their children are in fact dissembling (without realizing it). “How can he wash his shirt properly,” says such a mother, “and the teacher will judge me” (that is, she washes the shirt, in the end, for herself). I used to live for children too. There was nothing good about it. When I began to live for myself, it became easier for me and the children. All the educational impact was concentrated in one phrase: "Don't bother me to live."

Once the youngest son brought a bad mark in the Russian language, and such a dialogue took place between us.

I AM: Do you understand that you are preventing me from living? Now I have to go to school, listen to the teacher's lectures, and I have a lot of things to do.

Son: This teacher is a fool, put a two.

I (after having looked at the work and made sure that the two was set correctly, although it would have been possible to put a three): You are right, the teacher is a fool! Are you smart?

Son: Yes, I'm smart!

I AM: Well then, fool her and don't bother me with my life!

Son: How to fool her?

Me (taking a notebook): Look, if you wrote "dawn" and not "dawn", you would have fooled her!

My son agreed with me ...

The mother wraps up the child, and often does not let him go for a walk, so that he does not catch a cold. But it is harmful for a child. She does this not for his sake, but for her own sake - she is so calmer. In general, 99% of all prohibitions are not dictated by the interests of children. This is because we often give children not parental love, which they need, but conjugal love or our worries.

So, my children are in fourth place in terms of importance for me. A few words to parents who reproach their children for ingratitude. Let's be objective. If we determine the costs (food, clothing, education, etc.) for our children over the course of 18-20 years, then we will not get such a large amount. Now let's see what they give us. First, a sense of self-worth: I have children! And how would I now talk about raising children if I didn't have my own? You. could say, “It’s good for you to reason without having children of your own. I would look at you ... "

Well, since I, not knowing the methods of education, at first spoiled my children, and then, having mastered these methods, I re-educated myself and helped them, and my reasoning looks convincing. And it's easier to defend your point of view, since there is a specific result: I helped to re-educate not only my clients and students, but also my own children. In addition, I now understand how parents spoil their children, despite their good intentions, and I know exactly what not to do: children cannot be persecuted and cannot be relieved of difficulties.

My patient (or client) in life situations when communicating with partners, including children, is in the “triangle of fate” (Fig. 1). He comes to see me in the role Victims. My task is to teach him to build his relations on the basis of equality, first of all with children, and then with all communication partners. Then he will cease to be A sacrifice. When I first learned about this "triangle", I was shocked. I reviewed my whole life and understood why I was unlucky: because I had no equal relationship with anyone. I realized that hectic adolescence is the result of early misbehavior with children.

How should the relationship between the child and the parents develop according to the Laws - the laws of nature, which no one can either bypass or bypass? Our biggest disagreements with a child arise when he is just born. As the child grows, his interests and ours should converge, and during puberty they should merge! The parent-child conflict is always a pathology. And if such a conflict occurs often, this does not mean that it is the norm. We cannot take measles or flu as the norm! Fortunately, after changing the algorithm for contact with children, I managed to get rid of this problem. No, we do have conflicts, but only business ones. They are solved on a completely different level and make us closer to each other.

And now about the parents. I have them in fifth place. This provision is especially often aroused heated objections from the streets over 45. My dear peers! I used to think the way you think now. But somewhere at this age I myself came to this conclusion. This is why I have managed to maintain a good relationship with my children. I realized that according to the Laws, as a parent, I am in fifth place. To become closer to them, I decided to move to the second place - the place of the employee. If the child is in trouble in the family, you can take third place. But this is very bad. No matter how good a parent is, he can never replace his child's husband or wife. This should be especially taken into account by those who are raising sons. Often mothers tell their sons something like this: "You can have many wives, but your mother is one." Such upbringing, if it becomes a guide to action, leads to great misfortunes. No matter how many wives there are, a man lives with his wife, not with his mother!

Unfortunately, I was brought up in this spirit too. After getting married, they lived with my mother for the first year and a half. With my mother I have always had a very good relationship, with my wife, of course, even better. But then I did not know and did not know how, and these one and a half years were hell for me, although from the outside everything looked decent. When my mother complained about my wife, I told my mother that she was right and asked her be patient, he said the same to his wife. Once my mother asked me who fries cutlets better. I answered her: "Of course you are, mommy!" When the same a similar question was asked by his wife, he praised her. To be honest, by that time I was already more accustomed to my wife's kitchen. One unfortunate evening I cooked a minced cutlet, and my wife wanted to start frying the cutlets. At this moment my mother comes up and says: “Let me fry the cutlets. Misha said that I would rather fry cutlets. " I will not describe the further scene, I will only say that I fried the cutlets, and then for a long time I could not understand why, because of such a trifle, my generally patient and complaisant wife was so offended. Then I realized: precisely because I was patient!

I will note in passing: you can never endure! Feedback should be given immediately. Don't expect your partner to find out that you don't like their actions. Take care of yourself first of all, then I will be better for him too. If the wife did not tolerate, the measures would have been taken earlier. And so I thought that mom and wife get along with each other. Only later did I learn that life was unbearable for them too. The same rules apply here as iv medicine. The earlier treatment is started, the more effective it will be, and it is even better to engage in prevention. So, if I take care of myself, then the partner is better off. A psychotherapist can tell many tragic stories when a person cares about a partner, not about himself. How not to remember here the "caring" parents who raised their son not adapted to life and thereby contributed to the fact that he became a victim of bullying.

And here is an almost comic case.

Remember in Ecclesiastes: "A time to embrace and a time to avoid embracing." He, an indecisive young man, finally embraced the girl to her great delight. But now the time has come to dodge the embrace. He did not dare to do this, fearing of offending her. She, too, was afraid to give feedback. They both wanted to dodge the embrace. If even one of them acted in their own interests, everything would have ended well. And, so the mood of both fell sharply. She said something harsh, he was offended, and there was a break ... Isn't it ridiculous?

I want to warn doctors about one phenomenon that is observed in clinical practice. There are times when patients, not wanting to upset the doctor, do not give him feedback. The doctor believes that everything is fine and does not make additional appointments. Sometimes the ballroom does not say that he felt better, fearing to "jinx it". The doctor changes the tactics of treatment, and the patient becomes worse. In both cases, both the patient and the doctor lose.

Some executives do not like bad news, avoid receiving feedback, and then disasters are unexpected for them. Now experienced businessmen understand that the one who owns the information controls, i.e. the one who receives feedback.

But back to the role of parents in the lives of children. So, realizing that I was in fifth place among my children, I decided to move to second. The eldest son became interested in psychotherapy, and here I have no problems for a long time. I think that soon you will be able to read his book "Ero-

toanalysis and erotic therapy ”. Younger psychotherapy did not take long. And then I realized that I should not involve children in my business, but get involved in their affairs. Along the way, I realized that children should listen to their parents, and while the same time do not have to obey them. I obey my parents, my children obey me, my grandchildren obey my children, etc. Where is the progress? In general, everything new always meets resistance, and the idealist is the one who wants to make a great discovery and be immediately recognized.

So, my son was carried away by a break, and I began to learn from him. He scolded me when I failed, and praised me when it came out. When he became interested in wushu, I went to tai-zi. I assure you it didn't hurt me! Firstly, my son did not hide from me, he knew that the decisive word was with him, if he acts within the framework of his rights and does not interfere with the lives of others. Secondly, I caught the moment in time when he directed all his efforts to become a bodyguard. Thanks to this, it was possible to convince him that it is better to be protected. Thirdly, my health has improved. When, as a student, he decided to become a businessman, I took him to a brokerage office during the holidays. Then he became convinced that in some ways he was right, and he created his own company.

Let us now summarize some of the results.

The most important person for myself is me. Therefore, I am ranked first. A. Schopenhauer wrote: "For the good of the individual, and even more for his being, the most essential is what is or happens in him."

Have A.S. Pushkin read:

Whom to love? Whom to believe? Who won't betray us one? Who measures all business, all speeches Helpfully by our yardstick? Who does not sow slander about us? Who cares for us? To whom is our vice not a problem? Who will never get bored? A vain seeker of a ghost,

Love yourself, my venerable reader! A worthy subject: nothing More dear, it is true, there is none.

In second place is my employee. The third is the wife. And if I work with my wife, then she will take second place. Then there are children and parents.

You need to live for myself. It benefits others as well, if done right. “Love your neighbor as yourself,” says the Gospel commandment. But you will be able to love your neighbor and enjoy his reciprocity only if you love yourself. Otherwise, you have no chance of happiness.

If you do not love yourself, then you are a bad person. Therefore, having fallen in love, you immediately the same must leave a loved one. You will not slip bad things on him!

If you myself love, you will never yell at your subordinates, spoil their mood, do nasty things to them. After all, then they will work poorly, and this will ultimately affect you in a negative way.

If you myself love, then you will not conflict with your boss, it does not matter if he is smart or a fool. You will cheat a fool, negotiate with a clever one.

If you love yourself, you will have a great relationship with both your parents and your children.

What should be the algorithm so that I can love myself?

This is the second chapter. Who am i

As a biological organism, I, apparently, exist from the moment of conception, but as a person I begin to form from the moment of birth. In psychology, a person is understood as a bearer of social relations. When did you get your personality? How old do you remember yourself? Fragmentary memories remained in memory from three to four years. The entire life line can be clearly traced from the age of five to seven. During this time, for the first time, you separated yourself from the rest of the world and developed your attitude towards it. At the same time, you have not lost your biological properties. It was on their basis that your personality was formed, which is a complex interweaving of biological, psychological and social. To live in accordance with the laws of nature, you need to know the psychological properties of a person – inclinations, abilities, temperament, character.

Learn to behave correctly - there will be no conflict. Cotton requires two hands.

Today we are glad to present you an interview with Mikhail Efimovich Litvak.

If you want to be useful to others, live for yourself;

do not know how to raise a child - leave him alone;

do you want to change your destiny? - it is possible;

they called you a fool - agree with this, -

According to the participant of our interview, doctor, candidate of medical sciences, chief psychotherapist, corresponding member of the Russian Academy of Natural Sciences Mikhail LITVAK.

At first glance, such statements are perplexing. We are used to living and thinking differently. Or maybe we just do not attach importance to the fact that there are clear rules, following which we achieve in life what we want?

Mikhail Litvak examines these rules and much more in his twenty books on topical issues of psychotherapy, psychology of communication, and management.

And M. Litvak uses the methods of teaching competent communication and treatment of neuroses developed by him in the classroom of the club created by him called CROSS is a club of those who decided to master stressful situations.

We talk about all this with our guest and here is my first question:

One of your books, "If You Want to Be Happy," begins with these words: "They say hope dies last, and I would kill her first." Why?

It happened in my practice. Many people here hope and do nothing. Maybe it will be okay, someone strong will help, a knight on a white horse will arrive and arrange everything. But, at the same time, people understand that natural phenomena are subject to strict laws.

You cannot put your hand in boiling water, and if you do, then who is accused? Yourself, of course. But as for communication, everyone believes that if it were not for the evil will of the communication partner, then everything would be fine with me. And they don't realize that the laws of communication are strict enough. And in the same way, they “put their hand in boiling water”, but “blame” the water, and hope again.

Then I say: stop hoping, let's study these laws of communication, we will act in accordance with the laws, and then they will help you.

About twenty years ago I was a traditional doctor - hypnosis, autogenous training, pills. The patient gets better from the drugs, but will they teach the person to solve their problems? Of course not.

He returns to the turbulent environment of his society ... and again comes to us. Instead of training him, I calm him down. It turns out the "phenomenon of revolving doors."

I began to think about it, teachers appeared. I was assisted by Professor S.S. Liebikh, B.D. Petrakov. On the basis of the previously known, there were formed their own ideas of what to do when treating patients with neurosis practically without drugs.

I want to formulate what is neurosis? This is a disease that develops after trauma. They are in the family or at work. The patient often thinks that his communication partner is to blame, and we tell him: no, and your share of responsibility is there. Learn to behave correctly - there will be no conflict. Cotton needs two hands ...

And then, instead of pills and drugs, we began to teach our patients the rules of psychological communication.

You have such a term "psychological aikido".

This technique has its roots in person-centered psychotherapy methods. This is a new approach. Aikido is a flexible path to victory, and those who own it try to "dodge", avoid conflict and move forward again ... The bottom line is that you quickly agree with your partner and leave the fight.

There are three options here:

when they insult me (one might say, they approach me from top to bottom);
business communication, as we have now with you,
and the third option is when they admire me.

Option one

For example, they say to me: "Mikhail Efimovich, you are a fool!" Usually we answer according to the principle "A fool is a fool himself." A person who knows the art of aikido will say, "Yes, I really am a fool." I "leave", he "falls".

He is lost, waiting for an attack, there is no attack. And after that you can say: “How smart you are, how quickly you figured out in me. I hid it so much, and only you could understand me. You, clever, have to deal with a fool. "

You can't communicate like that all the time, because you lose communication partners. But on the other hand, if you want to cut off communication and punish, then you can do it, because good must also be able to stand up for itself.

One of the students told the following story. He got on the bus, letting the woman pass, and looked in his pockets for a ticket. “How long will you be poking around?” The woman said. - "For a long time". - "Now the coat will fit on my head." - "It will fit." The bus laughs. "Nothing funny." - "Of course not". She fell silent.

Is training necessary in this case? Does a person need to play several situations in order not to get confused at the right moment?

Oh sure! We know the rule, but then out of habit we answer in the old way, we break down. Then there is another technique - "deferred depreciation". They called me a fool, I can't stand it, I answer in the old way. The next day I go up to him and say: "Sorry, Petya, I realized that you are right."

The second variant of "aikido" - for bosses and teachers when you are flattered.

Flattery and admiration. And I want to ask you a question - which is more dangerous?

Perhaps admiration.

You are right, of course, it is more dangerous. They flatter in order to lure something out, for example, Fox and Crow. She didn't have to kill Crow, just get the cheese.

When you are flattered, it's nice. Why not use the content itself, but you need to be able to behave in the right way.

When I was a young doctor, I was praised, they said that I was a good doctor, but it ended up being given additional work. Then, when I learned the methods of communication, I listened to the words of flattery and said: "Thank you, your words are pleasant to me," then I pause for a short time and continue, "since there is no request behind them." Many bosses say it works great.

About admiration. Anyone who admires you will definitely betray you. And we bring those who admire us closer to ourselves. He sucks the juices out of us. And when will he betray? - at the most difficult moment for us.

We studied the psychology of betrayal. Unfortunately, in science, I have not found literature on this topic. About 8 years ago I wrote an article "The Psychology of Betrayal". We have identified five types of betrayal. If a person knows this problem, then he can protect himself from betrayal.

The third is collaboration. If you were offered something, you need to immediately agree. You called - I immediately agreed. What does man expect from me? - consent. Let's say I agree, we are discussing the details, but if I say that everything should be my way, then cooperation is impossible. But then I save the person for future communication. Unfortunately, few people use it.

And in conclusion, about "aikido". It is based on general physical principles.

When I am pushed from top to bottom, what do I need to do? First sit down, continue the same "movement", but only after that get up. This is the law.

There is such an interesting term in your books - "script reprogramming". Does it concern the fate of a person? Is it possible to change fate?

Yes. In the book If You Want to Be Happy, I describe seven unsuccessful scenarios, and I show how these people rebuilt with our help, and their life became completely different.

What is a script? A script is that psychological force that pulls a person towards fate, regardless of whether he considers it a free choice or resists. This is Berne's definition.

Our destiny depends on genes. I am a man, you are a woman. We will act in these roles.

In general, life is an easy thing if you live in accordance with your own nature.

In the process of upbringing, many parents want to make something out of a child that cannot be done. And his life is bad. It is better not to bring up a child, but to raise. Cucumber - cucumber, tomato - tomato. The child wants to be an artist, his mother wants to become accountants, etc. And then he does not live his own life, but according to the script that his parents hung on him. It needs to be reprogrammed. For him to return to whom? .. To himself. The easiest thing is to be yourself.

It is easiest for a tree to grow evenly. It will grow to great heights. Initially, a person is born happy, but then he becomes unhappy under the influence of parental pressure. And when this program is violated, a person becomes ill until he returns to his program.

Those people who are still doing well do not, unfortunately, resort to help. And those who feel bad - they resort, they just have nowhere to go. When I tell them my views, they are outraged. One of the views - you need to live for yourself, then you will choose the right people for yourself; the most important person is the one you are withyou cooperate b. This is in line with our nature.

What instincts should we satisfy?

We must satisfy four instincts:

food,
defensive,
sexual,
feelings of self-importance.

Nutritionally and defensively, we satisfy with those with whom we work. If we want to eat and have nowhere to live, we will have no time for sex. The sexual partner stands in a more distant place. Children are even further away.

A child under one year old needs to be fed with milk, but at ten years old he is no longer there. As Jesus Christ said: "I came to share father and son, mother with daughter, daughter-in-law with mother-in-law." After five years, you need to cooperate with the child. If you don't destroy the parent-child relationship, how do you start to cooperate?

Now I have arrived with my son, he is thirty years old. If we had a father-son relationship, we would have nothing to talk about. We work together. And at the same time, as a father, I am pleased that my son is next to me. I am just showing how to keep loved ones, children, so as not to be a burden to them.

You say you need to love yourself. We do not know how to love ourselves?

I want to give a definition of love, which belongs to the psychotherapist, psychologist Fromm.

"Love is an active interest in the life and development of the object of love."

Most people say there is no one to love. And we put the question differently: can you love? I often tell listeners that many people confuse love with sex. These are two different things.

At the seminars I tell my listeners: “I am active now, I am interested in your development. This is the act of my love for you, although it may be unpleasant for you to listen to something. And if you do not want to accept my love, what can I do? " That's why love can only be a mature person who can help someone develop.

We often confuse attraction with love. I really love red caviar. From this love of mine, what will become of her? .. How can I be sure that a woman loves me if she lives at my expense? It’s another matter if she is independent and, nevertheless, with me. Then I will believe her. A dependent, dependent person, in principle, cannot love. Well, and, of course, basic love is love for whom? - to yourself.

I exercise is an act of self-love. I read a book, improve my qualifications - an act of self-love. Society benefits from this. A person benefits others if he lives right for himself. Now look, if I got drunk, I don't sleep at night, then at this moment I do not love myself.

And now - why is it necessary to love yourself? If I do not love myself, then I am a bad person. If I fell in love with you, then, as an honest person, I must leave you. You can’t slip something bad on a loved one. A person needs love. He is not in mom, he needs dad, he needs maternal love.

Another important point. Do not forget that there is love of truth... We must understand how the world works, then we can orient ourselves in it. I begin one of my books: “If the worm knew how the apple tree works, it would be alive for a long time. He gnaws an apple near the stalk, and she (life) begins to fight with him. " Knowing how the world works, we can take our place, and then everything will be easy. This is how we teach to love. Unfortunately, mothers cannot always love their children.

They love wrong, in my opinion ...

This statement of the question is incorrect. Either you love or you don’t. When a mother comes to me with a child and says that she loves him, I always ask: "What can he do?" If he doesn't know how to do anything, it means that his mother did not love him. She says: “I want him to become a great scientist, and I do everything for him. I wash, cook. " I say: “You don’t love him. If he is drafted into the army, he will be killed there. He's a white-handed person, they don't like such people there. Stop washing him. " Mom: "But he will go around dirty for a week, the teacher will scold me." I say: "You do not care about the fate of your son, as long as no one scolds you."

We are now working with young girls. I already have twenty years of experience and there are final results. We have already worked out how to talk with a baby in the stomach, as with a baby, and so on. And by the age of 7 months they are already practically neat. You need to talk to children on equal terms. As a recommendation, you only need to talk to the child "eye to eye". Only in this case does the intellect develop. Either pick up the child while talking, or sit down. And our mother pulls the child, he is downstairs, he cannot think at this time.

Tell us about your club CROSS (Rostov - on - Don)

Club of Those Who Decided to Master Stressful Situations. Organized a long time ago. Those of my patients who were discharged came to finish their studies, and then brought their relatives. There were people in the club who had not yet got sick.

Many neurotic patients started with CROSS, and then they did not have to go to a medical institution and take medications. People came with real problems. The husband is gone - he must be returned. They began to help in this. It turned out that the husbands returned. Do you know what the result was? Our students did not accept them, they "grew up" without them, and they did not need husbands.

Then business people began to ask for help: how to behave with their boss, how to take a specific position, how to show their dignity?

By the way, smart people come to KROSS who are ready to change themselves, and many have achieved success. Having taken management positions, they learned the correct behavior with subordinates at KROSS. The club deals with business psychology, industrial psychology. We even had the experience of preparing a candidate for the election campaign.

We now live in an atmosphere of fear. Could you give some tips on how to deal with it? Maybe there are tricks with which you can relieve anxiety and fear?

You probably understand what "script reprogramming" means? This is a long-term job. Of course, it all starts with little tips ...

We somehow deciphered the nature of fear. It comes from the idea of greatness: "I am such a person that nothing can ever happen to me." And you need to say that "anything can happen to me too."

For example, a person is invited to speak in front of a large audience. He is afraid of. I ask, "what can happen?" It turns out that in the depths of his unconscious idea - I am such a person that everything should work out for me the first time. In the meantime, this idea sits in him, he will be afraid.

The second idea is “all around there are fools”. I tell him that there are smart ones, they will understand you. When this idea is removed, the person goes and does.

And what can I say? Try it, try it, dear readers. Act, you may not succeed at first, but you must keep in mind that failure is 7 times more useful than success, this is how our brain works. Only when you fail do you pay attention not to those who laugh at you, but to those who sympathize with you. Failure will then serve to cleanse your social environment and it will immediately become clear to you who is who.

Well, and, nevertheless, what to do in order to be happy?

The formula for happiness: "I want, I can and must - must have the same content." Then it's all right. If I want to, but I can't, then what is needed? ... to learn how to do it.

Only I urge you to fulfill your desires in a psychologically competent way, relying on the laws of communication that do not depend on us. They need to be opened. Legal laws can be written, but these laws that I am talking about, you just need to understand and act in accordance with them.

You write, "The more advice you give, the more enemy you will get." Can you explain please.

I came up with the following formula: the qualifications of a psychologist are inversely proportional to the amount of advice given. A good specialist, a psychologist does not give advice, he helps to make the right decision. I am telling you how life is arranged, if you do it, it will be this-and-such, if you do it differently, it will be this-and-such. These are laws, there can be no exceptions. Now choose for yourself. My task is to enable my patient to live without me.

Therefore, if you are advised, say "thank you", leave and do not go there again. You have to make your own decisions.

Here's another tip, if you may. Leave the doctor who guarantees a complete recovery immediately. Not everything depends on the doctor, much depends on the person. It has long been known that the body heals itself, and the doctor helps. And when we share our merits, I take 10% for myself, and 90% of it. It works, and I only help.

And the last piece of advice. You need to rely only on your own strength. When you start doing something, there will always be people who will help you.

14.11.2019 06:19

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Preface to the second edition

The first edition of the book "If You Want to Be Happy" was published at the end of 1995 in a circulation of 20 thousand copies, which, to my surprise, sold out rather quickly, which required new editions. I will explain why, surprisingly. The book was in fact a presentation of my scientific work, from which I simply removed some complex terms, figures that indicated that the author's conclusions and recommendations were based on many years of work with patients, people in crisis situations, pedagogues with everyone, leaders and in general , whose activities are related to communication. Were also removed the statistical clues, confirming the sufficiently high efficiency of these techniques. The book also did not include exercises and descriptions of the techniques of group psychotherapy and psychological training, which, as I thought, would be of interest only to professionals. But subsequent editions also quickly disappeared from the store shelves. These were, in fact, preprints, for the changes were minimal, and the volume and structure of the book were preserved.

I began to receive a lot of emails, mostly with positive feedback. There were a lot of requests for help (often they were cries for help!), Many simply thanked for the book, which helped them get on their feet: to establish family relations, go to university, complete a dissertation, get a promotion and even achieve success in the elections. Many readers have become active members of our psychotherapy club CROSS (a club who decided to master stressful situations). Most of them not only got better in health, but also changed their social status. So, during this time 18 people have defended Candidate dissertations in various sciences. So now I don't need to look for lawyers, economists, pedagogues, accountants, builders, programmers. They are among those who studied with me. These are not just honest people and highly qualified specialists. They are also people who are pleasant to talk to. To my delight, I have found followers. Now, as far as I know, my students have organized similar centers in Tatarstan, Bashkiria, Kirov, Riga, Vladivostok, Astrakhan, Kaliningrad, in the Far East and Kamchatka. Now I am negotiating the creation of branches of the club in Barnaule, Tyumen and Moscow.

But time passed. As you grew up, I also tried to keep up with you. On March 31, 1991, I even defended my doctoral dissertation. But this is not the main thing. I have recorded all my trainings on audio and video tapes. If someone from other cities has a desire, you can copy. New developments have appeared. The material grew and did not fit into one book anymore. In addition, there were a number of notes that we carefully studied. Basically, they referred to the fact that the book, although interesting to read, is descriptive in nature, and there are very few specific recommendations in it. Then we decided not to publish the book "If you want to be happy" anymore. We divided it into three books. It turned out to be a kind of three-volume edition.

We called the first volume "How to Recognize and Change Your Destiny", where all methods of working on oneself were combined.

The second volume "Psychological vampirism" was devoted to the problem of communication with one person and the mechanisms of conflict.

The third volume "Command or Obey" gave recommendations on how to manage people without shouting and hassle, so that they did not notice that they were being controlled.

NEW

Annotation

M.E. Litvak

M.E. Litvak

IF YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY

To everyone who lost hope and dropped their hands

"Psychological diet", "Neuroses", "Algorithm of luck".

The book you are now holding in your hands was conceived even when I began to apply modern methods in the treatment of patients with neuroses.

Who is who or

SYSTEM OF VALUES

Let me give you an example.

Alchemist/ 27.10.2013 The book is about nothing, to say the least, general principles are described. Wasted time ...

Ksenia/ 22.10.2012 I am reading the book "The principle of the sperm". I discovered a lot of new and interesting things for myself! It has become easier to relate to life's hardships and difficulties! I am a teacher and I especially enjoyed your teaching experience at school! Because as soon as having taught at an educational institution, you can understand how difficult it is!))

Helena/ 26.09.2012 Dear Mikhail Efimovich! I am infinitely grateful to you for what you did to me, my life, your books (I read all of them), communication with your student Laura Vladimirovna Sukhorzhevskaya (I attended her seminars several times), with you (I attended one of your lectures in Moscow). Honestly, I realized what scenario I was in, I only three years after all this, "If you want to be happy, I reread it four times." I am a candidate of sciences, a professor, I write textbooks, constantly in pedagogy, but I was able to solve my problems only with your help only now, constantly thinking, analyzing, reading your books, understanding the truths that you are trying to convey to the reader. And I didn't get it all at once. But the result is obvious. I'm happy! I want to be happy, I became happy, I will always be happy! I thank God that our paths crossed with you (there is nothing accidental in this life for a person who is able to get rid of his pride), you are a true believer, one of the few who spread the truths of the "Sacred Law" in a civilized way, based on huge personal life experience. I know that at the age of 70 you began to study vocals. Your interests are multifaceted. I wish you happiness in endless eternal life, harmony in everything that your soul and your hands touch! With love and gratitude to your work, able to appreciate the hard work of the writer, Elena.

Helena/ 19.09.2012 Litvak is a cool dude!))) I will remain grateful to him for the rest of my life, his book "If you want to be happy ..." ... By the time I read it, I already had a lot of knowledge from different areas - psychology, psychiatry, esotericism, astrology - erudition in this regard is very high, however, before solving the problem of anxiety, dissatisfaction, dependence on relationships with a tyrant partner, I could not come in any way. And then eureka, like a quantum leap - the frog skin cracked and freedom appeared. This is incredible, delight! Thank you, Mikhail Efimovich, for helping people in plain language!

Zulfiya/ 2.09.2012 Thanks to the book "The Sperm Principle" I changed my life 180 degrees. My life is divided into two parts, before and after, and every time I say, "I am just starting to live ..."

Irina/ 1.07.2012 Awesome book! A wonderful author! I read it in deep depression, not seeing options for solving my problem, having lost interest in life, disillusioned with people, etc. She helped me a lot, I quickly came to my senses, changed a lot in my life, and reconsidered my view of many things. Thank you very much! Thanks!

Paul/ 03/20/2012 I do not agree with all the author's statements in the absolute, although as a whole his book is certainly a storehouse for introspection and the development of opportunities to positively influence your own life, and therefore the life of your immediate environment.

albert/ 20.01.2012 Mikhail Efimovich writes very interestingly. And how to get to him for an appointment?

Risynokk/ 23.10.2011 I am 17 years old, and I started reading books of this nature at about 15, your works are simply unique, I have already read two books - "Psychological Aikido", "Psychological Vampirism", and I am already finishing reading - "The principle of the sperm", me, I am very surprised by your thinking and attitude to our world, I am going to read all the books .... PS That would be in the audio version ...

Alexander/ 5.12.2010 Mikhail Efimovich, read, imagine sat down and read your book. Friends advised: "Read", I put everything off. It was a terrible state, I didn't care about everything that was going on around. I remember for the first time I forced myself to sit down and read a couple pages ... I liked it, then on and so on for a couple of evenings in a row. I read the book. I projected onto myself, found a lot of useful thoughts for myself. And as I didn’t notice it before, it’s so elementary. Nowadays, when making some decisions or before falling into melancholy, I remember your book and it becomes easier. Thank you for what you are doing.

Galina/ 28.07.2010 In a sanatorium, by accident. read "Command or Obey". Bought "The principle of the sperm."

spruce/ 06/28/2010 I read "Psychological Aikido", got a lot of useful things for myself. Now there are so many psychological problems that it is simply necessary to somehow get out of them. I think I will find help from Mikhail Litvak.

Kate/ 05/21/2010 Mikhail Efimovich you are an amazing psychotherapist! And your book helped me a lot! And thanks to this book, I seriously took a great interest in psychology and entered the university as a psychologist! Thank you!

the guest/ 17.01.2010 Still in audio version

Jeanne/ 3.10.2009 I am 38 years old. If I had read Litvak's books at least 15 years ago, I would not have created half of the problems that I now have for myself.

the guest/ 27.08.2009 The book is wonderful. I enjoyed it immensely. Thanks to the author!
Now I am reading "Don't whine!" I am going to read all the books. I think that they can help a lot, only people are mostly passive. Therefore, I am now an active disseminator of your ideas.

Alexandra/ 17.04.2009 Now I am reading "the principle of the sperm". I regret not having seen this before. Now I won't rest until I find all the books. Thank you very much, it helps a lot. And in the end it feels like you helped yourself and you are even more proud of yourself.

Denis/ 5.04.2009 I want to say a huge thank you for writing this book, it is very interesting and very helpful in life. thanks a lot

Anya/ 03/19/2009 Absolutely by chance I got an electronic version of this book (I threw it among other books from someone else's computer). Just starting to read it, I found a lot of interesting things for myself. I would very much like this book to help me find myself - now this is my main problem. But sometimes it seems to me that I myself (without a specialist) will not be able to cope with it. But I decided to find the book completely and in a good format, I will try to help myself.

Masha/ 27.02.2009 Thank you. This book literally saved me 5 years ago. Since then, I have recommended her to many of my acquaintances and I know for certain that she also helped several of them a lot, and saved some lives.

Andrey/ 27.02.2009 I express my deep gratitude to the author of the books M.E. Litvak - the healer of our souls! To buy this book in 1998, I had to stop by a bookstore in the city of Rostov-on-Don from Nalchik! I recommend to those who need help, everyone should figure out themselves on their own.