Burnout in mom: how to cope with uncontrolled stress. Mom's emotional burnout: how to replenish the resource? Burnout moms on maternity leave

Yesterday you were so cheerful and cheerful, today, sitting on maternity leave to care for a child, do you feel overwhelmed and unhappy? It definitely needs to be corrected and not started, allowing depression to command you. How to do it? Specific descriptive situations will help you find your way out.

You've probably heard the term burnout. It means that a person's internal supply of energy and strength is depleted over time if it is not replenished. The reason for this may be, among other things, nervous overstrain. If we talk about mommy on maternity leave, then the reasons for burnout will be lack of sleep, malnutrition, fear for the baby. They may well provoke such burnout. Agree that no one will remove you from your job as a mother, which means that now you work 24 hours and your most demanding boss is your child. Tell me honestly, are you postponing your meal to please the little one? Do you also dream about rest and extra 15 minutes in the bathroom? Are you always on guard and ready to act? Keep in mind that at this pace you are confidently walking towards the process of burnout.

I hope that the examples below will be useful to you, as they say: "Forewarned is forearmed."

Chronic irritability

If you sometimes do not have the opportunity to sometimes switch from your immediate responsibilities for caring for the baby, household chores - in a word, you do not have assistants, then after a while you begin to understand that a little bit more and you will boil and explode. You are annoyed by everything that happens around you: any offense of a child, inattention of a husband can serve as a reason for a quarrel. You scream, take offense, and then cry from the fact that you understand that you are wrong, you apologize to your loved ones for the breakdown. But a little time passes, and a quarrel may arise again ... It's just that some kind of vicious circle turns out. But, fortunately, it is quite possible to break it!

In order not to arrange misunderstood tantrums - first, accept the fact that you are not infinite and you need to rest. And for this you need to learn to allocate time for yourself personally. Going to the salon for a haircut, painting, manicure, massage and other women's pleasures is a great opportunity to pamper yourself, and go out to people, change the environment. Maybe it will just be a meeting with a friend in a cafe or buying something for yourself. It doesn't matter what you do - the main thing is to do it for yourself! And then, when you have a little rest, think about whether you are planning your day correctly, and are you asking yourself a lot of work? Maybe it's time to stop rushing? Believe me, doing several things at the same time, you do not save time, you simply wear yourself out irrationally! Pay attention to this, please.

Mom is in a state of shortage of internal reserves of strength

It will be about the lack of your internal resources, thanks to which you enjoy every day, charge those around you with your enthusiasm, good mood and take care of your baby with pleasure.

No matter how calm the child is, he grows and requires attention: first, these are teeth, tummy, then crawling, first steps, and so on. Sleepless nights, maximum attention and anxiety for the health of the crumbs exhaust you, fatigue accumulates, and already because of it you become inattentive, even absent-minded in something. And now you start to stuff yourself with bruises and bumps, knocking your toes on furniture corners, trampling your fingers, crumbling vegetables, you begin to forget important things that you planned the day before. Attention becomes less acute, and memory becomes "full of holes". Completely unconsciously saving strength, you infringe on the child in your tenderness, smile less often, and the people around you also lack your attention. Due to such a shortage of internal reserves, you may well soon become more withdrawn. Sad prospect, isn't it? How do you fix this?

A new hobby, a kind of emotional shake-up will help. This is a new hobby (as an option). It can be handicraft (knitting, embroidery, scrapbooking, modeling, creating jewelry, and so on), learning a foreign language (you don't even need to go to courses for this - everything can be found on the Internet), you can become an online consultant on a thematic forum. Choosing an activity to your liking is a matter of your talents and desires. And then you yourself will not notice how free time will appear in a seemingly completely "jammed" schedule for a new hobby. And who knows, maybe after a while your hobby will become your profession. Believe in yourself, in your strength - even on maternity leave you can grow professionally and, doing what you love, get rid of psychological discomfort.

If you are out of energy

Excessive nervous overstrain is fraught not only with breakdowns and scandals, psychosomatic problems may appear that affect health. It can be problems with blood pressure, disruption of the gastrointestinal tract, headaches, decreased sexual desire for a husband, and so on. No wonder they say that all diseases are from the nerves.
And how can you help your nervous system? You know, in this case, you cannot do without the help of specialists. It is one thing to get enough sleep and calm down, and another thing when there are malfunctions in the body. Do not postpone a visit to the doctor: the earlier you start therapy, the sooner you will return to your normal state.

Initiative and enthusiasm beyond measure - punishable

When a child is born, a young mother, being in a state of emotional uplift, tries not to leave the baby for a second, postponing for later and "somehow later" such important things for her as eating, good rest, sleep. Such a refusal, or even renunciation, will not lead to anything good. Remember, your inner strength is limited, and there will be no more than it is if you do not replenish it. It's like drawing constantly from the source and not giving it a chance to recover. Sooner or later you will see the bottom. A month, three, maybe six months, maybe a year you will hold out in non-stop mode, carrying everything on you, and then what? But the family members around you are already, to put it mildly, accustomed to the fact that you do everything yourself, and your sudden impulse to abandon this may not affect the family in the best way. The child will be capricious without you, while you are resting - he is used to being always with you. And the husband will not want to sit with the baby - even, thanks to your excessive care, he does not know from which side to approach him and where are the diaper toys in the house. This is how your plan to restore internal strength can fail without even starting to be implemented, and the body's resources, meanwhile, melt and melt.

And what to do? How to be? There is an exit. If suddenly your situation is similar to the one described above - do not expect an emotional breakdown, go for it. Start with 30 minutes a day just for yourself. Let it be a cup of coffee or tea, but you have the right to drink it in absolute peace, listening to your favorite music or reading a book. There is such an old, bearded anecdote, the key phrase of which is the final chord of mom: "Quiet, sha, I make you happy mom!" So, start small, gradually bringing these 30 minutes to several hours a day, when you can be your own mistress. And don't say right away that this is unrealistic. The main thing is to want, set a goal and work to achieve it!

And finally

Sitting at home, on maternity leave, very often young mothers "start" themselves, plunging headlong into everyday life and completely forgetting about themselves, once loved. Monotonous everyday life with a small child and a list of homework is not very conducive to growth and development. No, of course, the daily small victories and successes of the little one are pleasing, you are proud of them with pleasure and tell all your friends and relatives about it. Someone will rejoice together with you, someone will simply smile, but someone is not interested. But life doesn't stop there, does it?

Children are wonderful, and when they appear in a family, you understand that you have moved to a new level of your development. You and your spouse became parents. And living with the interests and concerns of the little ones, sharing everything with them is wonderful, but life is not limited exclusively to bottles, rattles and pans, cleaning. Do not be afraid to be interested in something else besides household chores, arrange for yourself periodically emotional and psychological unloading and shaking. Remember: your family needs you as a happy mom and wife!

Ecology of life. Children: This happens to every mother, although it overtakes everyone in different ways, at different times. But I have not yet met women who would not be affected. There are those who pretend that this is alien to them, there are those who are still euphoric and do not believe that this will happen to them too.

This happens to every mother, although it overtakes everyone in different ways, at different times. But I have not yet met women who would not be affected. There are those who pretend that this is alien to them, there are those who are still euphoric and do not believe that this will happen to them too. This topic is largely taboo, it is not customary to discuss this, especially frankly. Because if you admit this, you will be immediately accused of being a bad mother, and we like to throw such labels right and left.

Mom waited nine months for a miracle while it grew in her belly. Or maybe she waited even longer, because the miracle did not want to come. And here it is, in my arms. But what is going on with her? She cries for no reason, does not want to approach the child, his crying causes anger and depression. She is even afraid to harm him in a state of passion.

One girl described how for the first six months she struggled with the urge to throw the baby out the window. I was afraid to talk about such thoughts to my own husband, and then I came to my female doctor. And the first question she heard:

"So how are you? Has it already covered you? Have you already wanted to throw it out the window? "

“Yes,” the shocked girl admitted timidly. She thought that she was insane and bad, since such a thing creeps into her head.

“I also wanted the first few months, my husband still doesn't know,” the doctor smiled.

And, according to this young mother, she immediately felt better, she stopped blaming herself for the feelings she felt, for these strange thoughts. "I'm not the only one."

Not everyone does this right after childbirth. With the first child, this usually happens in the first year, for example, when the baby is already 2 or 3 months old. With the second, third and so on - when how. Sometimes earlier, sometimes later. Sometimes - repeatedly, rolls in periods. Such a crisis often happens in one and a half or two years - if you sit with your children at home and do not work. And this is called the emotional burnout of the mother. We can say that this is a syndrome of complete devastation and blackout, loss of oneself and the ground underfoot. Again, I do not know women who would not have faced this in one form or another - at this or that age.

There is a lot of talk about burnout as such, but usually in a different context - about office workers, for example, workers in the creative professions and intellectual spheres. But few people say that the same thing can happen to an ordinary mother on maternity leave, which will make her life a real hell.

Sometimes I see women with their faces distorted with anger, and with such hatred they roll and shake the carriage in which a little man lies and yells. I see moms who fall into real depression, stop looking after themselves, live automatically, with a completely blank look. I also see those who, with an indifferent and devastated look (and this is the worst thing in the whole process), are dragging naughty children by the hand for about a year and a half. I also know those who are in a hurry to get rid of children in any way, giving them to nannies, grandmothers - not in order to go to work, but only because they can no longer see them. Each of us is trying to somehow cope with this in our own way.

I also remember the confession of a mother who gave birth to twins after IVF and three years of painful treatment. She said: “I am such a terrible mother, I am not a mother at all, I am just an incubator. It is not for nothing that we could not get pregnant and give birth! There was no need to do any of this, both me and the children would be better. Why did I give birth to them at all? " But she and her husband dreamed about it for three years, the children turned out to be through suffering - but they no longer had the strength to rejoice.

I also remember my impotence, when the eldest son screamed for days for the first six months, how I echoed him and shouted: “But what else do you want from me?”! I also remember the terrible thoughts in my head - why did I even get involved in this? I would live and rejoice! Why did I create this huge problem for myself? Where is happiness in general? When will it start? They say that it will soon become easier, but it only becomes more difficult.

I also remember the way I was covered when he was two. It seemed to me that now I should have my own time, my own affairs. But he absorbed all my strength, drank all the juices from me, while not speaking, it was impossible for me to understand what he needed, and this plunged me into despair. I didn’t want to see him or hear him, sometimes I could hide from him in the bathroom and calmly listen to his crying.

I remember his terrible tantrums when packing for the street in winter - about an hour, and about the same - after returning. As I counted the hours and minutes until the night, when he finally falls asleep, and I can rest from him. How I begged my husband to take him somewhere so as not to see or hear him (and my husband then worked practically from morning until late at night). As I sobbed from powerlessness and guilt into the pillow, I apologized to him when he slept.

It covered me with both the second and the third child, however, much later - in a year or two. And I again hid from them somewhere in the corner and waited for it to end.

In many ways, it was easier for me - I understood that it would end. But all the same - it happened to me over and over again. Let less often, albeit not so deeply, but it did happen.

It is much easier for those women who grew up in a large, friendly traditional family, where many are ready to help them. When the atmosphere of mutual assistance and love reigns at home. When from childhood there is a picture of family relations, raising children, when a girl is being prepared for family life. Then why do you need a separate home, if together - so good and convenient? And they will give you some sleep during the day, and they will help you prepare dinner for your husband. But which of us has such a rear? Units. Therefore, we have to cope with this very burnout, as best we can.

What it is?

Few admit this. This is condemned. You have no right to treat your children like that, they are helpless and small, and you are a mother, you must take care of them at any cost! Even at the cost of your own life. But for some reason the whole body is shaking, I don't want to see them, hear them - even more so. And the feeling of guilt kills all other desires.

Burnout is when you know what to do to calm the baby - give a breast, pick it up, hug it, but physically you cannot force yourself to do it. You can do it in just a few minutes. But you cannot step over yourself in any way, your whole body and your whole being resists this contact.

This is a state when mothers admit that they wanted to throw the child out the window, jump out of there themselves, or were afraid to harm him, when mothers who love with all their hearts scream at the baby almost with obscenities, when they throw the children in bed or make them frenzied. And I'm not talking about any asocial elements, I'm talking about quite prosperous families and what happens inside when no one sees. When there are no camera shutters, there are no spectators and no stage. There is only you and your child. And it's very hard for you to be around him. But everyone is silent about this, because without that the worm of guilt and the virus "you are a bad mother" is gnawing and haunted.

Burnout is when you have nothing to give to a little person, and he cannot exist without you and your energy. He needs your milk, your scent, your hands. You are whole. And you are empty. Sorry, empty.

Where does it come from?

There are many reasons. I will list just a few. The more of neither you find in yourself, the more likely it will affect you. Or rather, burnout is such a thing that doesn't touch you gently with its wing. It, like a bulldozer, rides over you, sweeping in its path, breaking and crippling.

Health status

I often say that childbirth is rejuvenating. And I always add - if you let it happen. If you do not go straight to the machine, you will not perform feats that no one needs. In this case, the body will force you to lie down in order to still send strength to recovery. You will start to ache, there will be a feeling that the body is falling apart. So after the first birth, in the first year, I had been ill ten times, with everything possible, and it was not joyful. Illness is very energy-consuming, especially when you have a small child who still needs to be taken care of. Throw in the bad sleep that most new moms complain about and you have an interesting bouquet that burnout can easily creep into.

Your body has done a tremendous job in 9 months of pregnancy. He needs time to come to his senses, to recover. Then it will really be rejuvenated. But if you do not change the oil in the car on time, what will happen? How quickly will it fail? It's the same with our body. Taking care of your health is never superfluous, especially for moms.

Being within four walls

Where do young mothers spend their time? Mostly at home. Even if you walk in a child two or three times a day, all the same, most often they are at home. You have responsibilities for cleaning, washing, preparing food. You also want to lie down with your baby sometimes. In addition, in many places in our homeland there are months when it is unrealistic to leave the house. In some regions - constant rains and mud, in others - severe frosts, in the third - unreal heat. Where to hide from all this? Houses.

And it's good if the house is loved and cozy. And if not? If it's a small room that hasn't been renovated for a long time? If it is impossible to lie down in the bathtub because the bathtub is old and rusty? If there are many different people at home, the relationship between whom is difficult?

Even if you adore your home, the constant presence of four walls - especially with a baby - is destructive for anyone. I remember my mother told me that with me both in winter and in summer she lived on the street for the whole first year, because at home I was constantly screaming, and on the street I almost always slept, and she had someone to talk to.

Lack of communication

Before giving birth, mothers are more mobile - they meet with friends here and there, go shopping, cafes and movies. After giving birth, everything is different. I don’t want to communicate with someone, with someone it’s already too far and uncomfortable. You can't drag your child with you everywhere - you will be afraid of bacteria, and viruses, and this pleasure can be dubious. What remains? The phone that most mothers do not part with, social networks, other mothers in the sandbox and relatives. And yes, even a screaming child, who does not yet know what he wants. But he wants to. Is this communication always enough? Is this communication always good for us? Does it fill us?

Monotonous life

Groundhog day. To survive, we create for ourselves and the child a certain regime in which it is easier for us to live. We plan the day, understand when and how what to do. But every day the same thing - sooner or later bothers to hell. On this basis, many criticize her husband, they say, he stopped pampering and caring.

But the husband has nothing to do with it. The reason is how we manage our time, what are our priorities.

Myself is not on the priority list

And yes, on this list we can have children, a husband, a house, the opinion of a mother-in-law and girlfriends. But if I myself am not there, then where will I come sooner or later? Ideally, if I am in the first place in myself (after God, but I would also include this here). If I understand that the first thing after waking up is to make yourself beautiful and kind, and then take care of everyone. If I'm in a store, choosing between a dress for myself and another suit for my son, I choose myself - and my dress. If I cook for dinner not only what my husband and children love, but also what I love. If I find time for myself to do what I love, even at the cost of unwashed dishes.

Of course, there are excesses here too. But if you take care of yourself for a reason, but realizing that you will give all this to your loved ones, this is not selfishness, but real concern for those we love.

No knowledge about children

Yes, it's very sad. But we read tons of books on how to seduce men, how to become super successful, how to achieve your goals. We receive higher education in various fields. And at the same time we do not know anything about child psychology, their age crises, health, characteristics and needs. We always have no time and are not particularly interested in it. Alas.

But knowledge in this case is power. And it could make our life much easier.

In addition, many of us have no experience with young children. More or less we understand what to do with a child from three years old. And the little ones? Not everyone saw younger brothers and sisters growing up at a conscious age. They either do not exist, or the difference is too small to remember this.

So it turns out that we have ideas about what children are, taken from nowhere and completely inappropriate to reality. And in this case, inevitably, disappointment, a feeling of loss and helplessness.

Great pressure from outside

If everyone around you knows what you owe and to whom, this motivates little for personal growth. Some mothers try to please both the mother-in-law, and the mother, and the husband in their motherhood. They listen to all the advice, do as they say. And in response, they often hear the same diagnosis again: "What kind of mother are you!" Let's add here social networks, where there are so many "successful moms", everything is so vanilla and beautiful! Next to them, any ordinary mother feels a little flawed.

This also includes the media, advertising, information flow, an endless number of knowledgeable grandmothers and mothers at every corner, a huge number of decisions that a mother needs to make, whether she wants it or not. And also the fact that the responsibility for the first years of the child is most often on her alone. Dad works, his task is to provide. And everything else is mom. Sometimes the husband becomes the main critic, indignant that the child does not speak yet, does not go to the potty and does not sleep all night. It's good when he is still an ally and assistant, but if not?

Other factors can be added - life with parents in a paramilitary situation, financial difficulties of the family, given the lack of her salary, constant tension under stress ...

It is difficult if you go from a decree to a new decree. It is difficult at the moment when the child loses daytime sleep. It is difficult when children are sick. It is difficult if their teeth break and they do not sleep well at night. It is difficult if you are breastfeeding, but you have not been happy about it for a long time. Difficult if you cannot organize yourself. Difficult if you don't have support. There are many different factors that aggravate our condition.

Is it any wonder mom is "blown away"? No, it's amazing how she generally survives in all this and is still struggling to do something. It's amazing how we get out of this - sometimes without help as such.

What to do?

It can't last forever

The realization that this will pass - heals. How quickly will it end? It depends on how intensely you will fill yourself.

It's not your fault

This is probably the main thing worth understanding. You are not a bad mother. This is now the period you have when you need to rest and regain strength. Millions of women have gone through this before you, millions will come later.

Leave home more often

Burnout happens faster in four walls, so get out. Change walking routes, arrange for yourself and your child small outings to the nearest cafes with friends, museums. All this is possible if you try and look for opportunities.

Communicate

Look for inspiring communication. Cut off the one that empties you. A simple rule that is sometimes difficult to implement. One friend of mine solved the problem simply - she went to yoga with her child next to her home. There she met mothers with similar interests. They did not live as close as those in the same sandbox, but it was more pleasant to communicate. Therefore, they began to walk together, at the same time the mileage of walks increased. Now there are a lot of opportunities for such a search for girlfriends. Invite them to visit, visit them. When we lived in Irkutsk, I had girls with children of the same age as Danya. We met on the forum, made friends. And once a month we were ready to drive across the city to spend the day together. We rested at such gatherings.

Take care of your health

Allow yourself to just lie down sometimes. Find an opportunity to get enough sleep at least sometimes - even to the detriment of everyday life.

Sleep during the day, take turns with your husband at the bedside, invite your mother to sleep once a week at night. Sleepy mom is already half the success.

And yes, in parallel, review your diet, physical activity, and regimen. If your main day trip is the jungle of the Internet, then your well-being will not improve. But if you start running or walking at a brisk pace for at least half an hour a day, the result will be completely different. Drink more water, eat more fresh fruits and vegetables, limit artificial sweets (they have no benefit, only a temporary effect of happiness), walk more often, change the daily routine.

If the child is a morning person, and you are an owl, and it really torments you (I remember, I remember with the eldest son), try to change your habits. If you get up and go to bed earlier, you will have more strength - checked. For twenty years I considered myself an owl, and for five years now without an alarm clock I get up no later than six in the morning, and I feel wonderful about it.

Ask for help

Ask your husband, grandmothers. If necessary, take a nanny for a couple of hours a day. I know that such an experience can be very successful - just a couple of hours a day when the mother is resting and doing her business, while someone else is looking after the child. And in terms of money it is not so expensive (especially, if not every day), and the result is pleasing.

We do not use nannies, my husband helps me, giving me at least an hour every day for my affairs.

At the same time, see that there is not too much help. One girl complained of depression precisely because all her relatives flocked to the long-awaited grandson, leaving nothing to her. She could not feed her son either, they quickly transferred him to a mixture (so as not to torment his mother), laid him down, walked on his own. And she felt superfluous.

Personally, my option is to take help with the housework without delegating the children. Sometimes inviting a girl who cleans up the house, pats and wash everything. It frees me up a lot of nerves and strength.

Baby is your salvation

Remember that oxytocin is a much needed hormone? And in childbirth, and in terms of energy, but it is also he who helps to cope with burnout. Therefore, mothers do not feel tired in the first months, even if they are not sleeping. Oxytocin creates euphoria. So, when mom contacts the baby, if this contact is a joy for her, oxytocin is produced. In huge doses. Therefore, it is very important to admire the sleeping angels, hug them, without hurrying anywhere, lie with them, smiling at these huge and bottomless eyes.

Imagine that it is your responsibility to spend at least an hour a day with your child so that you feel good about it, forgetting about everything else. Find the form of contact that suits you. Swim together in the bathtub, for example. Give your baby a massage. Just wallow together and chat. Dress up the baby. Take pictures of him. For example, when something rolls over me, I immediately start taking pictures of children - I put them on the same pajamas, arrange photo shoots. And they are happy, and it is easier for me. Therefore, when dad leaves on business for a week or two, we send him such pajama photos every day.

Add variety

Wherever you can. Cook different - and more often new - dishes that are simple. Even just new types of salads. Wear different clothes, do different hairstyles for yourself, change walking routes, change tablecloths, curtains, napkins. Change your usual personal and home care products. Change your rituals. Read different books with your child. Change perfume, lipstick, nail polish color. Introduce traditions, for example, every Wednesday - a pool with a child, and every Saturday - a family trip to the park (and you can walk in a new park every time).

Pay attention to yourself!

I say this over and over again. Find your hobby - knitting, embroidery, jigsaw sawing, writing sales texts, drawing, modeling. Try different types of creativity if you find it difficult to decide. Take care of your appearance - masks, self-massage, baths, manicure and pedicure, hair masks ...

For mothers, especially those in the acute stage of burnout, it is especially important not to forget about it, not to throw yourself on the back burner!

And yes, motherhood is a huge happiness, if you take it as a whole. There are difficult periods, burnout, fatigue, illness. But how much joy, happiness, meaning there is! When you go through the acute phase of burnout, you will again be able to see all these small joys that are collecting droplets into the vast ocean.

And if you go from burnout to fulfillment at least once and understand how it works, it will become easier for you to cope with it.

For your child, you are the best mother. The mom he needs. And this is the most important thing. published

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consumption - together we are changing the world! © econet

04 Mar 2018

Kiara

Good day! I am 35 years old, married. We have 2 wonderful long-awaited children - a boy (10 years old) and a girl (2 years old). Family relations are good, we live with our parents ... I want a separate home, but I still can't ...
That is, it would seem that everything is fine ... But there is a problem and it is exclusively within me ...

I have 2 higher educations: legal and economics (correspondence course). Before the decree, she worked in court, then as a notary's assistant, so to speak, I have experience, my head is in place ... But, I have almost 4 years of experience, and the decree already ... 10 years ... After my son I did not go to work, so how he was very, very painful, the first 3 years almost did not go to the garden ... Then she wanted to go out, but they politely hinted to me that the place was taken ...

Okay, my husband persuaded ... We started our own business, everything seems to be fine, free schedule, etc., then school, a new pregnancy ... And now I was covered, I want in my profession and that's it ... Well, what to do , how to replenish ... I don't know, a lot of water has flowed under the bridge ... The elder child is used to my mother at home, once said, my mother knows how to clean, wash and cook ... Well, that's it ... Everyone is very comfortable ... of course I felt uncomfortable ... I don’t want to, I want the children to be proud of their mother ... And once they didn’t tell me in the future that no one forced me to sit with them, etc.

I will make a reservation, there are no nannies, everyone is working, no one has sat with my children, does not sit and will not do this ... I mean grandmothers ...

I understand now that I had to be more calculating and colder, not to be afraid, to take a nanny for the elder ... But what can I say now about this ...

I have a panic fear that I won't be able to, although I'm not stupid ... They won't take it, I won't be able to realize myself, it just breaks inside ... I shared my plans with my husband, I say I need to enroll in promotion courses, etc., but he says, well and how much you can earn ... It's not worth it, now you have the same money and no smut ... But I'm tired of it, I don't want to be at home, I want to develop, I want to be in touch with people ... But how to do it, connections are lost ... I don't know what to do? To repurpose? In whom? I thought about cosmetology, but higher medical education is needed there ... It's a long time, I don't have time for this ...

I feel that I have become irritated, I am frustrated by the children, inside I begin to eat myself up, that I have been sitting with the children for a long time, talk about this to the eldest ... In general, I don’t know what to do ... Where to start ... I love my children and my husband, and children are long-awaited and were given hard ... Advise ... Thank you.

04 Mar 2018

Kiara

Thank you, I will definitely read it ...
What do I expect from the consultation? Probably advice on how to deal with such a state of unfulfillment ... I want to understand what my mistakes are ... After all, I just eat myself up from the inside ...

04 Mar 2018

Kiara, good evening! You write that you want to work by profession - by whom? Is there an opportunity now to go to work? Does the youngest child go to kindergarten stably?
Your husband is talking about a small salary, but did I understand correctly that it is not earnings that are more important to you now, but self-realization? Do I understand correctly that you see yourself not only as a housewife?

04 Mar 2018

Kiara

Good day! By whom? .. I will not answer for sure ... Since I lost myself professionally. I found advanced training courses, although they are in another city, but I really want to get on them, let's say, take the risk of starting all over again, try to find a job at least as an assistant lawyer. A friend, from an old job, promised to help tell about all the innovations of the work, but working in this direction (as a notary's assistant) will not work for a long time, since it is necessary for the prospect to be, to become the same notary ... And this is very big money, because and I am considering more the option of the legal profession ...
Now I am looking for language courses for myself. It also comes in handy ...
No, the child does not go to kindergarten yet, he will only go in the fall, then I want to start doing all this ... And now, so to speak, collecting information ...
Yes, you understood me correctly, now self-realization is more important for me than money ...

I realized for myself that it is very important for me that my children and my husband treat me with respect. They knew that my mother could ... We were proud ... Plus a personal desire to develop.

And also, I understand that I am beginning to blame everyone for sitting at home, not working ... But this is fundamentally wrong ... I stopped enjoying my children, my husband ... Apathy to everything ...
Is it selfishness?

04 Mar 2018

Kiara, I think if you get down to business carefully and carefully, the whole family will benefit from it. It seems to me that the main thing is to think over all possible trajectories of the development of events and develop a plan with a time frame. Do you agree?
Tell me, do you think about how it will be when you can be realized? What feelings arise? Have you formulated your goal? How detailed?

04 Mar 2018

Kiara

Yes, I agree. To be honest, they are very mixed. On the one hand, emotional satisfaction from what, after all, I will do, what is interesting for me, and not convenient ... On the other, anxiety, since there are a number of questions that I have not yet answered for myself - school, kindergarten, circles, etc. ... After all, earlier all these issues were solved exclusively by me (even the older one took to the pool with the younger one when she was 2 months old) ... I understand that I cannot do without outside help ... Most likely, these are nannies ... This is the most difficult for me ... As for work, I want everything to work out ... I'm ready to do household chores at night, just to be realized ... Maybe it sounds rude ... I can't say that I have already planned everything in detail, but I am working on it ... And, only when I understand that everything is captured from all sides, I will be able to move at full speed. Little by little ... After all, I have children and work on the scales ... I need to arrange everything correctly ...
In the end, many have not only 2, but also 3 children and somehow this moment is solved ... I also want it to work out for me ... But many have loved ones who are ready to help out .. Mine all work, because in our time there is no other way ...

No, do not think that I call children convenience ... I love them madly, I have dissolved in them to the limit ... It's about convenience for everyone, that they are not stressed by anyone ... I don’t know if I’m right ...

04 Mar 2018

Kiara, mixed feelings are natural. Emotional satisfaction means you are on the right track. The feeling of anxiety is also a natural phenomenon, because you have been at home for so long, he has become so unaccustomed to such movements. The middle ground is found in the process, step by step (even if the first steps are tiny steps). Apparently you are so dissolved in your family (and this is not bad or good) that when you think about yourself, you feel guilty and call yourself selfish (but you have to do something about this). I am almost sure that when, again, step by step, you begin to move towards your goal, you will become more self-confident and happier, calmer and more harmonious, and this, for sure, will have a positive effect on your relationship with your family.
It so happened that our generation of mothers do not receive as much help from grandparents as it did during our childhood. This is a trend. No matter how we feel about it, it is necessary to adapt to these circumstances and solve problems. This means that, indeed, you probably need to seek help from a nanny, treating the choice very carefully. Chances are that most of your salary will go to babysitting, but I'm sure it's worth it.
Dear Kiara, many modern women are faced with a similar problem today, and I am very glad that you have an understanding husband next to you, this gives you a horizon for action and balanced decisions. Judging by your letter, the family is valuable and important to you, which means that you will probably feel if you start acting to the detriment of the family, and then you can take a step back or change the trajectory.

04 Mar 2018

Kiara

Dear Julia! First of all, I want to express my gratitude for the fact that you paid attention to my post. I needed it. Thank you for the questions that I will stick to and find answers to ... Yes, indeed, I have a wonderful family. The only thing that I do not understand is why, when my husband faces any choice, I say go, take risks, develop if there is a desire ... I will find a million reasons why he needs it ... When I first faced the choice of a change work, long before the first decree, he doubted, said, first think, maybe you shouldn't risk changing your place, then only my mother supported me ... I took a chance, everything worked out for me, my salary grew in six months to its level. He seemed to be proud in front of everyone, but it seemed to me that inside he was annoyed ... Now, I say, I want this and that ... And again I feel a thread of doubt ... Yes, I take offense at this and cannot do nothing with yourself ...
And yet, my dad ... He is a domineering man, still from that generation when it was believed that there should be a man in the family ... So, when I worked, developed, he was frankly proud of my achievements ... Now ... Attitude mediocre ... I would say, none ... I let all this through myself ... And this is another reason for development, besides my personal desire ...
And how to learn not to be offended, not to let through yourself? ... I don’t understand ...

05 Mar 2018

Kiara, all people, depending on personality traits, biography, have different thresholds of risk appetite. Those who are inclined to take risks are not afraid to take decisive steps, these are businessmen. And there are people for whom stability is important, who are so comfortable. This, again, is not good, not bad. You find a million reasons, but you see them, you would be ready for them, and you can hardly explain it to another.
I recall a piece from the movie "The Devil's Advocate". There, Keanu Reeves' character talks about his mother. He lists a set of her characteristics dispassionately, he perceives her as a separate person, respecting her, accepting her features. You can try. Take a piece of paper and list the adjectives related to your father in the column. Analyze them. Pay attention to features that are meaningful to you that affect you. Think about why he is like this, perhaps he became so under the influence of his parents, so life made him. Pay attention to the positive qualities too. By virtue of those and these qualities, you have become what you are now. Thank your father mentally (or out loud) for his contribution.
When we are small, we are greatly influenced by our parents, we depend on them, we depend on their mood, we are under the pressure of their character. Now we are adults, we can understand why our parents were like that, we are quite conscious and can control this in ourselves, if we do not want to adopt this or that trait. However, we cannot control another person, we cannot, moreover, remake an adult, established personality.
Sometimes we dream of buying something expensive, we go to the goal for a long time, we save money. Finally, we have acquired what we have dreamed of for so long. Dozens of years pass, this thing is outdated, but it was so important to you ... And now it gathers dust, taking up a lot of space in the apartment. All you have to do is separate your memories, feelings ... and throw away the trash. This example is about separation.
There is a man. There are you. But already an adult and independent. The power of influence of this person, this thread can be weakened if we perceive him as a separate person with his own set of characteristics.
You are a woman, so in addition to your entrepreneurial qualities, you were still able to become a mother. This took a certain period of time. The fact that someone could not possibly understand this does not make him or you bad.
Was I able to capture the essence of your request?
Please write if something remains misunderstood on my part or unsaid on yours. I will reply in the afternoon!

05 Mar 2018

Kiara

Yes, absolutely. I thought about it. And I took into account the fact that my grandmother, my dad's mom, was very strict with him at one time. They always had a tense relationship ... And also that moment that he spent his whole life for the family, dressed, put on shoes, etc. ... He invested a lot in us, his children ... We love him and are very grateful ..

Returning to my original question, I understand that as much as I do not want to solve all the issues on my own, I will hardly succeed. I need help with the kids ... And for me it will be invaluable ... I just need a push .. Well, I'll try ...

Thank you again for your attention ... If you have a question, can I ask it in the future?
And I wanted to clarify, can you ask a question regarding communication with children here or in another topic?

05 Mar 2018

Kiara, do you want to ask me a question in the future? Then write in private messages, I will advise you!
Ask a question about babies here if you want to get advice on this from me. As far as I understand, if you create a new topic, then another specialist may answer you.

06 Mar 2018

Kiara

Yes thank you. As I said, my oldest is 10 years old. He is in grade 3. Before school he was very understanding and agreeable ... I never broke anything, did not spoil anything. From the time I went to school + my pregnancy changed him radically .. He became uncontrollable, then he gets rid of one thing, then he decorates my photo, then ruins the thing ... In general, the child was changed. Yes, we scolded him and just talked, but nothing worked ... Then homework was added ... Oh God, he hates them ... And I already too ...
I can note that he is intelligent, but hyperactive and very inattentive, he lives in his own world ...

His schedule is quite busy - school, basketball, swimming according to medical indications, additional. English. Language and mathematics ...
School. Homework problem. Grades 1 and 2, I was there, I helped in everything, constantly urged me on, because otherwise our lessons would last until the morning, and even a lyalka in my arms ... It got to the point that he now thinks that I must help him ... If I will insist on doing it myself - it drags on until midnight, in the end I sit down next to it and then everything is done ...
At the same time, he is not deprived of our attention, love, affection, etc. We conducted such an experiment, I do not remind about lessons, well, he will not do them anyway ... He will calmly pack his backpack for school ... If I remind , conversations begin that this is not allowed, he did not have time to rest, etc., even if it is after the holidays ... I tell him, let's do it quickly - let's go for a walk, go to the cinema, etc. ... No, no incentives work ...

Friends. He is quite sociable. Very strongly attached and jealous of friendship. But, at the same time, he is constantly on the leash ... He is a follower ... He can repeat someone's joke, ... Quarreled, he was offended, he immediately departs ... How many conversations we had that he was primarily a man , he should have his own opinion, he should not allow himself to offend ... Etc. ... But this does not lead to anything ...

What am I doing wrong? How to approach it? I want to be not just a mother, but also his friend ... And, by the way, he constantly repeats to me about work ... It turns out that he is oversaturated with our communication?

I forgot to mention ... He is very attached to games ... He lives directly in what he plays ... And this despite the fact that at home he has limited time for a tablet ... It scares me and my husband ...

06 Mar 2018

Kiara, the bill may be the result of overprotectiveness. Often, children transfer a model of behavior with parents to communicate with friends - if you notice a statement in friendship, then it is most likely present in relationships with parents, as a result of overprotection (you write about increased control, about his (probable) fatigue from communication ) - this is the case, what do you think?
The child needs to be taught to learn. Does he have any hobbies? What is your favorite subject? You can read what Julia Gippenreiter writes about lessons (the book "Communicating with a child - how?) - her recommendation, based on her rich experience of working with children, to stop all control over lessons.
The boy was shown to a psychologist? If there are frightening moments in the child's behavior, then feel free to go to a specialist, he will dispel the anxiety, I cannot do this - you need to observe the child with your own eyes.
Is the load commensurate with the strength of the boy? Maybe try to slow down the pace? I see that you are an educated woman and you know that education is power. But there is a suspicion that the boy is not coping with the load, try to give up something, see if this is the case or not.

07 Mar 2018

Kiara

1. Hyper-care. Yes, I agree, there is a place to be. I'm a crazy mom. And realizing this, I also see that there is a downside, which leads to the fact that a child, and this is a boy, is not independent ... I want to change the trajectory of communication, and here I have to start with myself ... Do I understand correctly? Learning to trust? Lead him to the fact that he independently makes decisions and is responsible for it? So? The husband offered him the following ... If you don't want to do your homework, don't do it, it's your choice, but then only you will be responsible for the result ... I seem to agree with him, but it seems to me "from one extreme to another." .. Either we control, then we immediately let it go ... We need a middle ground .. As it seems to me ...

2. Hobbies ... At school he likes music, and only because there is nothing to do ... He says so himself ... But he likes to go to the basqueball, swimming a little less, but we need to go to the pool for health. .. With regard to add. Classes ... They appeared solely to help him in doing dz ... T.E. Thus, I reduced my attitude to these subjects and began, as it were, to smoothly move away from the joint dz ... And I allocated the time in such a way, so that there is no more than an extra hour per day. Classes, weekends are busy with basketball training, which is interesting to him.

I offered him to refuse additional. Occupation - did not agree ...

And now, he spent the whole December at home with a broken arm, did not go to school, January, too, is still exempt from training, but the result is the same ... This is me about the load and its absence ...

3. Psychologist. Were at 2 ... We got to the first purely by chance, without thinking ... As a result, we got the conclusion that the child does not see himself in society, etc. We were alarmed ... We went to another, they told us that the boy is good, but in constant anxiety that he would lose his mother ... Recommended more bodily communication, word games (by the way, the child liked them,) the ability to set his own rules ... Just did not explain the framework to the child, so against the background of these rules we got some misunderstandings ... And they stopped after we invited him to take our places, make adult decisions, etc. ... Which did not suit him either ...

Julia, I heard about this version of testing children - through a drawing .. Maybe you could tell us what topics to suggest to him to draw, and we would send pictures for analysis to you in the PM ... ???

07 Mar 2018

Kiara

Yulia Popova, I understand ... And you can write to me in the LAN ... I can not find how to write to you.

Feedback on consultation

07 Mar 2018

Kiara

Sufficient consultation was received. For myself, I built a plan for solving problems, according to Julia's corrective questions.

This is a terrible condition. When a child cries, clings to the hem ... You know that you just have to hug him, and he will calm down, but you cannot bring yourself to do it. Hiding in the bathroom. You cry, you hate yourself. You try to convey your condition to your family and hear: "What kind of mother are you!" I tell myself this. From morning to evening: “You’re just sitting at home with your children.” It seems like whimsy, laziness, selfishness.

How I brought myself to the handle

It all started with the fact that when Lesha was one and a half years old, we adopted a two-month-old Anya. Adaptation and a new life with small weather completely exhausted me. But I didn't want to admit it.

Since the month of Lesha, I have been working from home as a translator 20 hours a week. When Anya appeared with us, she took a time-out for only a month and a half. And then she again began to translate 8-10 documents a day without a break. In addition, I also worked as a freelance journalist - I wrote articles about exhibitions, artists and photographers.

And in her free time, she ironed things that the children then carried around the house for half a day. She prepared sophisticated dishes. I drank an apartment even with a temperature under 40.

A year later I was covered in such darkness that I thought about going to a psychiatrist. It was so much like clinical depression. I constantly tried to hide from the children. She became twitchy and angry. I would fall asleep broken and wake up broken. Sobbed at every little thing. I didn't want anything at all, nothing made me happy. As if the whole meaning has gone out of life.

Doctor, what's wrong with me? ..

I tried to figure it out and realized that I had developed burnout syndrome.

This term is usually applied to specialists in helping professions - doctors, teachers, social workers. People who are called to put their soul into business. But recently psychologists began to write that mothers also burn out. This condition causes such terrible feelings for your own child that it is not accepted to talk about it. But it can cover anyone.

Emotional burnout is dangerous because parents in affect can actually harm the child. So, the Swiss climber Erhard Loretan was left alone for Christmas with his beloved seven-month-old son. For several long hours the boy went to cry. His father tried in vain to calm him down, and then shook him in a frenzy. The child fell asleep. Forever and ever.

Therefore, if you feel yourself being pulled into a black pit, take action immediately.

Symptoms

The child is terribly annoying. Crying, you can't bring yourself to take him in your arms. Brings a drawing, look away: "I have no time."
You are constantly gnawing at yourself: "I am a terrible mother." You feel that you are completely devastated and with all your desire, you have nothing to give your child.
You can no longer bear even the slightest stress. And your reaction is inadequate. The lid for baby puree does not open - in tears. The soup ran away - hysterical.
The whole body hurts. You fall asleep broken and wake up broken.
First, you try to distance yourself from negative emotions, then you stop experiencing any emotions at all. Everything turns to gray. Nothing pleases. I don't want anything.
It seems to you that the whole world is against you. Any criticism responds in you with pain and a desire to close yourself off from everyone.

Why do moms burn out?

Physical and mental exhaustion. You have a newborn: he screams at night, screams during the day, does not get away with it - your shoulder joints seem to be twisted. The child is six months or a year old: he crawled, went. He tries to jump out of the window, to put the plug into the socket. She sprinkles cereals around the kitchen. Throws things out of cupboards ten times a day. Smears porridge on the walls. He is one and a half to four years old: from morning to night he throws tantrums.
High level of responsibility and constant emotional involvement. 24 hours a day. 7 days a week. No vacation and days off.
Loss of freedom. It seems that you are chained to the battery. The husband at any time can go to a corporate party, and you even agree on a visit to the doctor in two weeks.
Constant frustration. All plans are thwarted. Just immerse yourself in the stream, you are pulled out of it.
Sisyphean labor. She just washed the floor, Anya spilled yogurt, Lesha took everything around the hall on his typewriter. She just made the bed and straightened the sheet, Anya tore it off. It’s as if you were in the office for a week to draw up a contract. A colleague came up and deleted the file. And deleted from the basket. And so on 10 times a day. And so for months.
Groundhog day. The same monotonous actions from day to day. No matter how many people try to convince you that you can wash your priests and rip the porridge off the walls with your soul, the feeling that you are a robot does not disappear.
Insulation. The current situation is unnatural. Previously, a woman was never left alone within four walls with a screaming baby. People lived in communities, families for several generations. Sister, mother-in-law, grandmother could always replace a tired mother.
Lack of help or inability / unwillingness to ask for it.
Excessive demands on yourself and perfectionism. When everything should be and-de-a-l-but! I, even with two small children, only they fall asleep, rushed to iron the bed linen. Until the neighbor came to his senses: “In a month you will have a breakdown. Better lie down with them and sleep. Children do not need perfect order, but a calm mother. "
The inability to prioritize and sweep aside secondary matters, the desire to be in time for everything. And polish the parquet, and iron the socks, and take a walk with the child three times for 4 hours.
Lack of personal space. In the shower with the child, in the toilet with the child, sleeping with the child, drinking tea - cooled down - with the child in the other hand.
Ignoring your own needs. Exotic fruits for children, and I milk the soup, which has cooled down after them. Designer clothes for children, a washed bathrobe. Children spend the whole day on “elite developmental programs”, and I'm a mother - I can't go to the doctor, although my back is falling apart.
Chronic lack of sleep. When you do not really sleep for weeks or years, concentration of attention decreases, memory deteriorates, consciousness becomes clouded. You are squeezed out like a lemon. You react violently and inadequately to the slightest irritants.
Misunderstanding on the part of loved ones... Husband: "You were at home all day - couldn't you get out?" Mother-in-law: "Niicheho, we somehow raised our own." Father: "What did you think about having children?" Girlfriends without children: "You look lousy."

What to do about it?

Don't put yourself on the altar... I remember that during the courses of adoptive parents we discussed what to be prepared for. One woman said, "Forget yourself completely!" This is the worst thing that can be done. You cannot drink children from an empty glass. Mother is the heart of the family. If she feels bad, everyone is bad. The best contribution to your family is learning to take care of yourself and replenish your strength. Remember how they teach on the plane? In case of an accident, an oxygen mask first for yourself, then for the child. Otherwise, everyone will die.
Get enough sleep. It helps me when I go to bed with the children early, at 10-11 pm. Then in the morning I get up kind and full of strength, even if all night I had to get up first to one, then to another child. Until midnight, an hour of sleep takes two - the body recovers faster. I've read about this in various sources. Try to make up for the lack of sleep during the day. As soon as the child is asleep, drop everything and go to bed too. Then, with renewed vigor, you will complete everything many times faster. My home has become much cleaner this way, and I and the children are calmer.
Learn to monitor your condition and replenish your strength in time. If we draw an analogy with a car, don't wait until your tank is empty and you stand in the middle of the road.
Don't ignore your needs. Hungry - eat. Tired - lie down to rest. Back pain - immediately make an appointment with a doctor, call a masseur at home.
Spend at least half an hour a day alone with yourself doing something that gives you energy. Draw, embroider, just think. For example, my friend, like us, has two little weather girls. My husband is not at home for a long time - he works on a rotational basis in the north of Sakhalin. At the same time, she managed to learn to be an illustrator on maternity leave and has already written many pictures. Just making it a rule to devote at least 15 minutes a day to your hobby. And when the husband is at home, he lets her go to the cafe - to draw with her friends. This is the next point.
You, at least sometimes, need to take a break from the burden of constant responsibility for the life and health of children. When you can taste freedom again. When I feel that I am completely wild, I ask Seryozha to release me. He comes home from work in the evening, and I run away to exhibitions and lectures on painting. I come back kind and love everyone again.
Don't lose touch with your friends. Invite them to visit, go visit yourself. And don't narrow your social circle exclusively to moms. It is useful at least occasionally to talk about topics not related to children. This will keep your mind from getting stuck.
Don't drag everything on you. Specifically tell your loved ones how they can help you: buy groceries, wash the floor, walk for a couple of hours with your child so that you can sleep.
Mom burns out because she has to take care of others around the clock. That's why get into a position more often when, on the contrary, someone cares about you... It helps me to stay with my mother-in-law for a couple of days. She completely takes the children on herself, feeds us and gives us water. And I sleep off, read, write articles.
Tension builds up in the body. That's why let your body relax... Massage, sauna, rose petal bath. Sport also helps to relieve stress. The one that's right for you. Bodyflex saved me. This is a set of exercises based on stretching and deep breathing. Takes only 15 minutes a day and gives a lot of energy. Everything is immediately perceived easier and again you want to live.
Divide all your affairs honestly into important and unimportant. Forget about the unimportant. Do only what is really necessary. If you're already on the edge, dump all excess ballast altogether and go into energy-saving mode. Deals to a minimum, all efforts are aimed at recovery.
Simplify your life as much as possible. Dishwasher, multicooker, robot vacuum cleaner. Housekeeper - Do a spring cleaning once a week.
Don't over-pump your nervous system using depressants such as coffee, cigarettes and alcohol.
Reduce multitasking. For example, if you are working from home, have someone else take over the entire child during this time. And when you are with a child, try not to even think about work.
Don't clamp down on emotions. Negative feelings, especially strong ones, do not go anywhere, no matter how you try to hide and suppress them. From this they only become stronger. And then they result in illness, nervous breakdowns or a complete loss of interest in life. They need to be recognized and worked out. Speak, register. Shout in the field. Cry and kick a pillow in an empty room. Forgive yourself and feel sorry for yourself. Then they will leave.
If you are at the stage of asthenic exhaustion - the whole body hurts, crying over every little thing, any obstacle causes despair - go to a neurologist... You will be prescribed something to fuel your nervous system. B vitamins and magnesium-based preparations help.

When doing things for themselves, moms often feel guilty. But it is important to understand that the psyche and nervous system of any person has a limit. If you fail, it is most likely because you have exceeded your limit. Children are completely dependent on us. Therefore, taking care of yourself is the best contribution to the child.

Burnout Syndrome- a concept introduced into psychology by the American psychiatrist Herbert Freudenberger in 1974, manifested by increasing emotional exhaustion, which entails personal changes in the field of communication with people.

Emotional burnout- This is a mechanism of psychological defense developed by a person in the form of complete or partial exclusion of emotions in response to selected traumatic actions (in other words, stress).

Usually, it is customary to talk about emotional burnout in the context of professional activity: office employees, workers in creative and intellectual professions working in the human-to-human sphere. But today I want to talk about the emotional burnout of very different people, ordinary mothers, and what makes their life a disaster.

The concept of stress was formulated by the Canadian physiologist Hans Selye, he identified the concepts eustressa, which mobilizes a person to overcome certain problems (it is also called "real") and distress, an unfavorable condition, as a result of which the body's defenses are depleted, which leads to the disruption of adaptation mechanisms and the development of various diseases. In other words, distress is a condition of a person who has lost the ability to adapt to the world in which he lives. That is, in the formation of emotional burnout, the leading role is played not so much by the events that happen to a person as his attitude to these very events.

Emotional burnout "at work", in its advanced stage, is transferred to all areas of a person's life, but tragedy can be prevented by changing, for example, the field of activity, going on vacation, moving to another department.

And what should mothers do, especially women on maternity leave? You won't go on vacation, but you have to carry out the "service" around the clock. Plus, no one canceled household chores, and "assistants", as a rule, help only in removing order.

Sometimes, it seems that CMEA develops in 99% of mothers with whom I communicate quite closely. And according to happy photos on social networks, their life seems perfect... I see moms who fall into real depression, stop looking after themselves, live automatically, with a completely blank look. I also know those who are in a hurry to go to work, not because it is time or there is a financial need, but to get rid of the children in any way, pushing them into the kindergarten, leaving them to nannies and grandmothers.

Now I understand that my burnout manifested itself in a ruthless attitude towards mothers who "complain about life", because I didn’t whine, no matter how hard it is ... Dehumanization- loss of sensitivity and the development of a negative attitude towards people.

One of the leading factors, in my opinion, is the impossibility of planning your time (the child is in a good mood - we go for a walk, stomach hurts, we do not go). Imagine that you need to make a report at work and your boss constantly gives various assignments that take up all of your time. You come home, and there your boss spills soup on the floor, while you were mopping the floor, he got to the shoe paint and furiously paints the wallpaper with it in the very center of the hall. Then you go to the toilet, but it will get you there too, with a knock on the door or ringing a bell, and if it does not work, then the sound of broken glass will certainly make you run out of the toilet as if scalded. He can wake you up in the middle of the night with a loud cry, and then he will not give you a salary either. And yes, I forgot to say, you can't complain, you can only love your boss, and at that, all other feelings for the boss are condemned by society.

How to be?
Hold on mummies CMEA phenomena in our life are reversible, all the bosses, sorry, children, grow up someday! In addition, there are preventive measures, which I will now tell you about.

Let's start with priority list ... If you don't have “myself” in the first place, it’s bad. Not all of the child's needs are more important than their own. And not all of his needs are really his needs. For example, I ironed diapers for exactly two weeks until the navel healed. Because I stroked during my nap, and sleep was more important to me than stroking. Our skin, hair and nails also need care just as much as babies. You have to sacrifice a lot, but not yourself.

Mark Sandomirsky was one of the first to raise the topic of emotional burnout of mothers in Russia. He talked about the fact that next to the mother there should be other women, sisters, aunts, grandmothers, etc., who could provide her with help and support. “Women should be together, he writes, surrounded by children of different ages. In conditions when women form a close-knit informal maternal community, communication between mothers and children is emotionally safe, i.e. environmentally friendly for both parties. " Connect with other moms, find yourself a support group where you can safely share your difficulties. Do not hesitate to talk about your feelings, they simply cannot be kept in yourself, you need to pronounce them. "

Everyone has the right to loneliness ... Everyone needs to be in silence, to think, or vice versa, to watch a light film without much intellectual load. It is not the lack of help and time that most often deprives young parents of such "luxury", but the feeling of guilt. Skillfully supported by society. It is necessary to learn how to fill even a short time alone with yourself with what fills you. Physical activity: even 7-10 minutes for exercise or yoga, reading, drawing, handicrafts, shower, meditation).

No knowledge about children ... Alas and ah. How much relief parents feel when they learn that all children lie... Parents have to act at random, spy on neighbors, making their way through the jungle of education in the deep darkness. So it turns out that our ideas about children are taken out of nowhere and do not correspond to real life at all. Disappointment in this case is inevitable. Knowledge of the peculiarities of development, children's crises and the basics of child psychology, even not yet supported by any special skills, is already a huge help to yourself in the first place and to your children too. Therefore, spare no time, effort and money, thank God there are now more and more parenting schools and educational courses on this topic.

Dependence on someone else's opinion ... Whoever says what, we are all social creatures, we live in society and successful interaction with people is the guarantee of our well-being. But you shouldn't go too far. We often have to tug at children and blush for our child just because “what people say”. People can say absolutely whatever they want. This is not about giving up on everyone and letting the kids do whatever they want. In order not to fall into one or the other extreme, you need to have an idea of the boundaries and build them for your children. Then you won't have to educate them. To do this, you can sacrifice public opinion several times, but the fruits will not be long in coming (they tell you how to build boundaries there, which I talked about in the previous paragraph))

Another important step is revising your expectations and requirements : to yourself, the people around, to the child, to the situation. Awareness of your limitations allows you to see the transience of the situation. Learn to ask for help and get support from your spouse, relatives, friends. Don't take it for granted.

Very briefly, I tried to sanctify such a large and important topic. I hope you find this information useful. Do not forget to leave comments, feedback makes the quality of information better!