Why does a person feel the loneliness of the soul. How to get rid of loneliness or the path to inner freedom

The feeling of loneliness at all times has been a serious problem in society. People who are prone to a negative perception of reality perceive loneliness not as a blessed solitude, but as a great personal grief.

Constant feeling of loneliness

The paradox of loneliness lies in the fact that people who complain about it are most often not hermits, but, on the contrary, are constantly surrounded by society. This is a problem of cities and even megacities, but not villages and villages. In addition, the feeling of loneliness usually torments young people who do not have a hobby or a time-consuming job. Working people, as well as adults, are much less likely to complain of loneliness. Based on this, loneliness for many is just a desire to attract more public attention to their person.

Loneliness is unfamiliar to many people for one simple reason: they are active and cheerful, tend to expand their environment and show interest in people, making new contacts. Those who get used to loneliness, most often doom themselves to it, because, without receiving attention from specific individuals, they recognize themselves as lonely, not striving to expand the horizons of communication. Some people, without suspecting it, use conversations about loneliness as an everyday manipulation: while complaining to someone about their condition, the person thus persistently calls for help.

How to get rid of the feeling of loneliness?

For many, it is easier to drown in self-pity than to take up the establishment of life and establish contacts with the world around them. Based on this, in the question of how to deal with the feeling of loneliness, there is only one option - to act!

Often, a feeling of loneliness haunts people who have too much free time in the absence of hobbies, work and hobbies. Thus, the solution to the problem "how to overcome the feeling of loneliness" for them lies in admission to courses or part-time work.

Often the question of how to deal with the feeling loneliness, the simplest solutions correspond.

“Loneliness is the biggest enemy on the road to happiness. This is a barrier that often seems insurmountable to us. The more I reflect on the topic of happiness, the more I realize that the problem of loneliness cannot be underestimated and ignored. However, “being alone” and “being alone” are not the same thing. Loneliness devastates and sucks strength, and solitude energizes and sets you up for creativity.

If I were asked to name the master key to happy life, I would answer without hesitation - strong ties with the people around. When they are absent, we feel lonely.

Helping others and feeling that someone needs you is a very healing feeling.

When I was writing Better Than Before, about habits and their formation, I wondered if they could help us cope with this problem? Here are a few habits you need to develop to keep yourself out of loneliness.

1. Help others

Sit with your friends' baby so they can finally go to a romantic dinner. Join a charity trip to an orphanage, get a dog. Helping and feeling that someone needs you is a very healing feeling. To achieve happiness, it is important not only to receive support, but also to provide it.

2. Chat with people

Keep in touch with colleagues - go to lunch together, invite for coffee and do not refuse such invitations yourself, do not miss corporate parties. Sign up for a group workout, attend educational seminars and trainings. There, in addition to gaining useful skills and knowledge, you can communicate with like-minded people.

3. Get enough sleep

Sleep disturbances are one of the first signs of loneliness. Can't fall asleep for a long time, often wake up at night, and cannot get rid of a sleepy state during the day? Break out of this vicious circle. Chronic lack of sleep not only interferes with making contact with other people, it is also the cause of constant bad mood, which greatly undermines the immune system.

Most importantly, go to bed at the same time. This is the only way a habit can form.

What to do? Here are some of my favorite tricks: 30 minutes before going to bed, put your smartphone and laptop aside (the blue light from their screens disrupts sleep), take a warm shower and apply body cream. Completely, including the heels. I find that as soon as I spend an extra couple of minutes applying cream to my feet and lightly massaging them, I completely relax. But most importantly, go to bed at the same time. This is the only way a habit can be formed.

4. Stay open

Loneliness makes us secretive, suspicious, and morose. It is more difficult for single people than for ordinary people to get in touch with a new person. If you notice such changes in yourself, and you perceive each new acquaintance negatively in advance, then try to become more open. Get in the habit of being the first to start a conversation, smiling at the baristas in the coffee shops and the shop assistants.

5. Ask yourself the right questions.

Don't ask yourself, "What's wrong with me?" or "When will this end?" The correct question to ask yourself is, "What exactly am I missing to stop being lonely?" Perhaps you just need best friend... Or a romantic partner. Or you want to be part of a large and friendly group. Or maybe you just don't like living alone in an empty apartment?

There are many causes and varieties of loneliness. Not all people want to have close friends if they have a husband or wife. Not all people like big companies, some prefer to while away time in the company of those closest to them. But once you are honest with yourself and understand what exactly you lack for happiness, it will be very easy to overcome loneliness. With these habits, for example. "

about the author

Gretchen Rubin- lawyer, blogger, author of Better than before (Crown, 2015). Her website.

If not perceived or accepted by other people, a person may experience a feeling of loneliness, uselessness and longing, even if he is in society.

When a person is among other people, even close ones, but they do not understand and do not accept him, then he will also have a feeling of uselessness - a feeling of loneliness in the crowd.

Feelings of loneliness and uselessness

A person expects understanding and recognition of his personality, feels the need for love. If this does not happen, he realizes his alienation from the environment and experiences it as feeling lonely and uselessness to anyone.

In the presence of objective, real connections with others, a person may experience a feeling of loneliness (for example, in a family), if he sees that he is not loved or understood.

Loneliness is an episodically arising acute feeling of anxiety and tension in a person associated with an unsatisfied desire to have friendly or intimate relationships.

1. Hopelessly lonely, dissatisfied with their relationships, people with a feeling of emptiness, abandonment, deprivation.

2. Periodically and temporarily single people with the greatest social activity.

3. Passively and steadily lonely people who have come to terms with loneliness and are exhausted from it.

4. People are not alone (not feeling this feeling) who have isolated cases of social isolation as voluntary and non-depressing seclusion.

Karl Rogers distinguishes two types of human loneliness.

First connected with his alienation from himself, from his experience, from the functioning of his body. This is a consequence of a failure in the perception or assimilation of stimuli that contribute to the development of the organism and its self-preservation.

Second the type is associated with an assessment of the quality of relationships with other people or acceptance (rejection) by a person of himself at the physiological and psychological levels.

These representations of Rogers once again show how ambiguous the phenomenon of feeling of loneliness is understood, which is a consequence of the ambiguous understanding of communication.

A person's sense of loneliness stands out as

A situational feeling of loneliness can be the result of some unpleasant events: the death of a loved one, a break in marriage. After a while, a person resigns himself to his loss and partially or completely overcomes loneliness.

Transient loneliness is expressed in short-term bouts of loneliness, which disappear without a trace.
Loneliness is necessarily associated with experiences that have arisen as a result of dissatisfaction with connections with outside world due to the superficiality or even the rupture of these bonds.

The feeling of loneliness is a painful emotional experience of subjective detachment that takes possession of the thoughts and actions of an individual. It can be experienced as anxiety, depression, sadness, boredom, longing, nostalgia for lost connections, despair.

One can talk about loneliness only when the person himself realizes the inferiority of his relations with people in some important aspect. The feeling of loneliness is influenced not so much by real relationships with the people around you as by the idea of ​​\ u200b \ u200bwhat these relationships should be. Therefore, a person who has a strong need for communication experiences loneliness even if he is in contact with only one or two individuals, and someone who does not feel such a need may not feel a sense of loneliness even with a long absence of communication with people.

So the feeling of loneliness is understood as painful. emotional condition due to real or imagined dissatisfaction of the need for interpersonal relationships (affiliation).

The origin of feelings of loneliness

We are born lonely, live lonely and die lonely, say some scientists, others believe that for the first time a state of loneliness in an aggravated form appears in adolescence and adolescence. It was found that loneliness is more common in adolescence than in adulthood, and is felt more strongly among young people. (Teen personality)
As a factor predisposing to the appearance of a feeling of loneliness in a person, they call him premature weaning from mother's affection, as well as his shyness, it is also noted that the absence of close intimate affection, significant friendships in a person contributes to the emergence of loneliness.

The number of friends and the frequency of contact with them are less significant factors than subjective satisfaction with the relationship. The feeling of loneliness does not diminish with intensive communication; it can weaken or disappear only with a trusting relationship and the emergence of a feeling of emotional and human closeness of the partner.

There are 12 reasons for the emergence of chronic loneliness experience:
1. Inability to endure forced solitude.
2. Low self-esteem (like: "They don't like me", "I am a bore").
3. Social anxiety (fear of ridicule, judgment, sensitivity
to someone else's opinion).
4. Communicative clumsiness, ineptitude.
5. Distrust of people (isolation, frustration).
6. Inner stiffness (inability to open up).
7. Behavioral component (constant choice of unsuccessful partners).
8. Fear of an opponent, fear of rejection.
9. Sexual anxiety (inability to relax, shame, anxiety).
10. Fear of emotional closeness.
11. Lack of initiative, lack of confidence in their desires.
12. Unrealistic claims (all or nothing, model selection).

Feelings of loneliness and gender differences

The feeling of loneliness in women is associated with longing for a specific person, the absence of a loved one, (female obsession), while in men - with the awareness of their uselessness, with failure in self-realization, with dissatisfaction with their life. Women are more diverse in finding activities and ways to overcome loneliness than men, and prefer active activities, while men are passive.

Lonely people consider themselves less competent than non-lonely and explain their failure to establish interpersonal relationships lack of ability. In many cases, the establishment of an intimate relationship causes them increased anxiety. They are less resourceful in finding ways to solve interpersonal problems.

Lonely people tend to dislike others, especially the outgoing and happy ones, thus showing defensiveness and making it difficult for themselves to establish good relationship with people. Lonely people are focused on themselves, on their problems and experiences. They are characterized by increased anxiety and fear of catastrophic consequences of an unfavorable combination of circumstances in the future. When communicating with other people, lonely people talk more about themselves. They easily get irritated in the presence of other people, they are prone to not always justified criticism of the people around them.

Lonely people are highly self-critical, have low self-esteem, feel worthless, incompetent, unloved. They are overly sensitive to criticism and see it as confirmation of their inferiority. They have little trust in other people, which affects the fact that they hardly accept compliments in their address, they are extremely cautious. Lonely people hide their opinions, they are often hypocritical. At the same time, they are highly suggestible or overly stubborn in interpersonal contacts.

The way a person responds to loneliness depends on how the person himself explains his loneliness. With an internal locus of control, when a person believes that everything that happens to him depends only on him, a lonely person often develops depression, and with an external locus of control, when everything falls on external factors, aggression. Therefore, a lonely person is prone to either submissiveness or hostility.
(aggressiveness)

Summarizing what you read, you can single out 12 reasons for the emergence of a feeling of loneliness (see above), and by engaging in introspection and correction of your personality, even without a specialist, although it is safer with him, to achieve tangible results in overcoming this depressing feeling.

Even in the largest crowd, you can feel lonely. This feeling makes it difficult to live fully, to enjoy every day, to meet new achievements. If there are no friends, a loved one nearby, then in difficult times there will be no one to support and comfort you, to give you valuable advice. However, not all lonely people are unhappy, for many it is a conscious choice to develop in solitude. But there are few such individuals, the majority still suffer in the absence of family and friends. There is a feeling that something is missing all the time. How to deal with this sensation and learn how to use it positive side we will consider in the article.

The reasons for loneliness

Various factors can cause feelings of loneliness, but the main ones are:

There are many more individual reasons for loneliness, and realizing them is the first step to a fulfilling life.

How to live alone

If you feel dislike for yourself, then you must definitely raise. To do this, write your merits on a sheet of paper, fix the sheet in the most prominent place. remember, that perfect people does not happen, everyone has flaws. Use your strengths to love yourself. When inner harmony is achieved, people will be drawn to you.

Learn to realistically evaluate the people around us, don't follow stereotypes or first impressions. Even if you have loved blondes all your life, a dark-skinned brunette can become your real soul mate. And if the relationship does not work out, do not despair, there is still a lot of good ahead.

By creating an artificial image, you risk being left alone, because you will attract completely inappropriate men. While masking your fictional flaws, remember to be yourself. Hair and makeup must

Keep track of your wardrobe. , but should highlight your dignity, have a pleasant color, be clean and ironed. Go to the hairdresser regularly, get a manicure. You need to smile more often and try to see the positive in the world around you. This will certainly transform your look, facial expressions and gestures.

The longing from loneliness aches in my soul

Each of us is alone in his own way. We are born and go alone. Maybe friends are only extras, and is it really necessary? After all, it has been proven more than once that in sorrows, girlfriends rarely stay close.

Each of us has a natural need for communication, but this does not mean that you can be a friend. Conversation with unfamiliar people at a convenient time can be easy and enjoyable, arises when you want it. But not everyone can and will want to have a friend, and to be with him at the right moment.

With the advent of a family, worries become more, and the circle of contacts is narrowed. There is not enough strength and time to maintain friendly relations. You get tired of family and friends too. Therefore, the concept of loneliness is no longer associated with something bad, but is perceived as an opportunity for relaxation, self-development and new emotions. In addition, communication is currently taking place over the Internet, without direct contact. An interlocutor by interests can be found on thematic forums, chats at any time.

Natural features, character warehouse also affect a person's attitude to loneliness. If by nature you are an introvert who enjoys communicating with yourself, within the walls of your home, then you will not suffer from the absence of noisy companies. Living alone is quite comfortable for introverts. In addition, there are very few real friends. Not everyone is lucky enough to have them, and friends and acquaintances do not want to delve into other people's problems, help, empathize. So maybe you shouldn't suffer from the absence of such people in your life? Use all your energy to get the most out of life, travel, discover new places.

How to get rid of loneliness

There are a number useful tips to help you avoid worrying about your loneliness:

Exercise is a good way to get positive. In addition to the fact that there will always be active like-minded people nearby, you will improve your health.

Don't dwell on the problem. Many people deliberately choose to be alone, taking pleasure in being one with oneself. Periods of loneliness happen in every person's life. For some, they sometimes become despondent and melancholy, others use them for relaxation, raising the level of education, expanding their horizons. What it will be with you is up to you.

Do not think that married people do not feel lonely. Many married ladies remain misunderstood and unheard, live in pairs only for the sake of social status. Whether it is worth remaining unfree and unhappy, or living peacefully alone, everyone chooses differently. The main thing is not to be idle, but to move, develop, enjoy every day spent in the company with you.

PHOTO Getty Images

If feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and despair persist for more than two weeks, it may be worth talking to a counselor or therapist. Well, if your case is not so difficult, here are some tips on how to quickly get rid of the oppressive feeling of loneliness.

1. Do, do not think

Loneliness seems to envelop us. As a result, we spend too much time feeling sorry for ourselves and doing nothing. And more often than not, they are sure that this cannot be changed. Such thoughts must be abandoned immediately. Find things to do right now. By acting, not thinking, you will break out of the endless cycle of dark thoughts. Work in the garden. Clean the garage. Wash your car. Chat with neighbors. Call your friends and go to a cafe or movie with them. Go for a walk. A change of scenery will help to distract from the oppressive melancholy. It is impossible to suffer if you are busy with something.

2. Be kind to yourself

When we are depressed, self-flagellation will not help. But unfortunately, we are all doing this, not wanting to. For example, we made a mistake at work that cost a lot, or we had a fight with a partner or friend and now we don't talk to him. Or maybe we have too many expenses, and there is nowhere to get money. Instead of discussing with someone everything that worries us, we store it in ourselves. As a result, we feel incredibly lonely.

Taking good care of yourself is important when we feel bad.

When we feel bad, it's important to take care of ourselves. In fact, we often forget about it because of more pressing problems. As a result, we do not get enough sleep, we eat poorly, we don’t go in for sports, we overload ourselves. It's time to "reboot" and restore the lost balance, feel better physically. Go to the park, take a bath, read a book at your favorite cafe.

3. Do not become isolated

Although it is possible to be lonely in a crowd, communication can help distract you, at least for a while. The best medicine is to get out of the house and find some company. It's good if it's a bunch of friends, but group lessons, hobby groups, travel and hiking in groups are also a great way out. It's hard to think how sad you are during an interesting conversation.

4. Discover something new

A guaranteed way to deal with sad feelings is to discover and learn new things. When you turn on the curiosity gene and do what really intrigues and interests you, there is no room for blues. Try taking a new road to work.

Plan a little trip for one day, visit the surrounding attractions: small towns, parks, forests, reserves, museums, memorial sites. On the road, try to learn something new, meet new people, so that you have something to remember.

5. Help others

The surest way to stop feeling sorry for yourself is to help someone else. This does not mean that you need to immediately run out into the street to save the homeless. There are other ways as well. Disassemble your wardrobe, collect the items you no longer wear, and donate them to a charity.

Give out old but working electronics to those in need, dishes, furniture, bedding, toys and other unnecessary things. It will be useful for them, but even more useful for you. If among the neighbors there are retirees, bedridden patients or just lonely people who need support, visit them, chat, treat them with something tasty, play board games. Even you can get lonely, imagine how they feel? It's easier to overcome loneliness together. Remember, you can only get rid of negative emotions through deliberate effort.

About the expert

Suzanne Kane is a psychologist, journalist, and screenwriter based in Los Angeles. Her site: suzannekane.net