Funny stories. Military bikes

Soldier, you move the tank opponent. Your actions?
- I'll take a grenade launcher and destroy it!
- And where will you take a grenade launcher?
- Where you took a tank!

Eat breakfast myself, dinner sued with a friend, dinner give the enemy.
- Comrade General, can I be your enemy?
- Can! Shoot!

Luftwaffe Commander, Colonel-General Alexander von Ler, too, was worthy of the Darwinian Prize.
The Second World War. Background Ler Commands German Aviation in Greece, and his son serves on Bismarck battle.
On May 18, 1941, the Bismarck battleship is entering the sea, heats the English linear cruiser "Hood" and strongly damage the battleship "Prince Welsh". After that, the entire English fleet begins the hunt for "bismarcom". However, the Germans manage to go - on May 25, 1941, the British lost "Bismarck" from sight.
On May 26, the background Ler is interested in the fleet command: "How is my son doing?". The fleet command sends a radiogram to "Bismarck", with a linker answer: "Everything is fine, in the day we will be in Brest."
The radiogram was intercepted by the British and Bismarck before Brest did not reach.
So the efforts of the caring dad, the gene pool of mankind was delivered from the genes of his son and the genes of its 2303 colleagues.

Anecdote: "Stirlitz, if you do not pay for electricity, we will turn off the radio."
News for January 11, 2008: In the US, a telephone company for a malicious non-payment disconnected the FBI part of the listening devices.

It was in one of the parts of the air defense in the 1980s.
We served two Major-single-name Volkov, one head of the political one, the other - a disquisite.
The headquarters had a telephone switch, in the afternoon, as a rule, telephonist ones were on duty, and if they asked to connect with Major Volkov, then one of them, the corporal Sonya, a girl without complexes, did certainly clarified:
- What kind of Volkova, who is pi $ dit, or who is silent?
The world, of course, not without good people, laid down, and being caused to the carpet to the head of communication, she without a shadow of doubt clearly reported that the guidelines for the safe negotiation on open telephone channels, prohibiting the disclosure of the positions of subscribers, is observed by impeccably.
Curtain! She was forgiven!

The press center of the Ministry of War of Georgia explained the emergence of the goods tanks in Tskhinvali with difficulties with navigation. This is what the commander of the Tank Corps said, the five-star general Chacha Anashishvilidze:
- An extremely high fog was discovered in the course of the exercises in the mountains in the mountains. I had to choose a lonely soaring eagle as a reference point, and he took and flew away.
As this statement commented, Russian Sergeant commented: "Judging by the results - a lonely standing goat was chosen as a reference point. And goats in the mountains of the MOSOOOE."

Chechnya. Hattab causes Basayev and says:
- Listen, Shamil, I gave you the best of our sniper Said! With five hundred steps, he gets into a five-fifted coin! What did you order him?!
- As usual: you will see in Kafirov (incorrect) lights in positions - shoot on the light!
- Yeah. On here, read the summary of Kafirs: "For today's night, federal forces lost: six Papyros" Whiteor ", three lanterns and a lighter" Zippo "..

The service abroad is always more difficult than the usual service at least because you are constantly monitored. Step to the right, step left - and now there is a reason for the international scandal.
Despite all educational measures taken by the command, a variety of instructions, charters and instructions, the surprises are still sometimes happening, and even such that at least stand, even fall ...
On the last day of the teachings, my father, then another lieutenant, heard terrible screams. It was not necessary to be seven spans in the forehead in order to understand - Comrade Lieutenant-General is extremely unhappy.
To get on his eyes when he is in such a state, equivalent to suicide - at best, such a meeting can end with a stretched sphincter and ringing emptiness in the head from the drum decibels. But to know what exactly it happened, it was very curious, and also useful for the future, and my father, skillfully masking in the folds of the terrain, went to the sound.
Within a radius of 50-100 meters from the general tent, it was deserted, even her grass was fucked up to Earth, which is already there to talk about a diverse living nature and other ordinary personnel, which simply survived the thunderstorm, clogging along the nora, boiler room, kitchens, and pretended to be rag.
Next to the tent stood, pouring his head, senior lieutenant in a tank helmet, and painted the ground with a foot, all his view saying: "And I cho? I am nicho!"
Before Starley, the general diligently shook the air:
- Where Makar calves did not chase! To the north! The back is drowned about the earth's ax! No, I will come down in the bunkers! On the submarine, the portholes wipe! Galuuna blow the power of the lungs! Tanker, mother!
Father listened to the monologue with interest and remembered speech turnover. So ... for the future.

And what happened this:
The Minister of Foreign Affairs of Czechoslovakia has happened to some holiday. Whether the anniversary is what a significant state day, it is essentially not important. It is important that he collected in his country residence chapters of embassies and consulates of all different European states and made a buffet with all the ensuing consequences.
Probably, having learned from the Russians, after the buffet, he organized a common departure to nature so that not only fun, but also to spend the day with health benefit. In the evening program, it was also hunting. But there will be no solid people burdened with age, shortness of breath, alcohol and beer tubers to run in the marsh boots in the forest with guns in search of game? Of course no!
Everything was thought out, including this moment. With the help of the Czech military on the nearest landfill, tents were installed, the tents were tested waiters with drinking and snacks, and on the very polygon, face to the forest, were dug very comfortable, comfortable tips for hunters, for firing from the position lying and from the knee. There were also laid good hunting rifles, and while the guests were heated and the excitement was gained in front of the hunt, huntshed with dogs chased in the direction of this landfill a small herd of deer, the heads of a thirty-forty ...
Senior Lieutenant Makarenko, the commander of a tank company, together with his mouth returned with the location of the part for "excellent". The broken forest road for the tank is not a problem, and Makarenko, leaning on the belt from Luke, reminded himself to a pirate standing on the ship's bridge - the tank running in the forest smoothly smoothly, and the engine brewing from the commander was associated with the storm and the salty wind lever. The illusion was complemented by even periodic slaps of branches in the face, well, just as if salty sea water, thrown by the wind in the face of the sea wolf!
Senior Lieutenant was extremely satisfied with the afternoon and his fighters, for an excellent shooting, he was gratitude now and maybe even extraordinary vacation! It's time to dream about the trip home ...
But Chu! What is it? What sounds?!
Makarenko sharply threw his hand, and cut into the headset:
- Column, stand!
From the forest was heard by the topot of hoofs. Makarenko led his nose. Among the trees flashed a horned head, then another one else. GAME! Senior Lieutenant suddenly understood with all the prisons and clarity, which is not enough for him at the moment for happiness! And at all, not even a vacation, no ... Ancient instincts woke up with him at the sight of running mining. Makarenko fluttered with nostrils, already feeling smells frowning on a spiner of venison ...
The deer of the herd, jumping over the roadside bushes, flashed right in front of the head tank, appetizing with her cuts, cervical and filleic parts.
"Without a side disk! As ancient! On the fire to fry without salt and pepper, and devour, tearing with teeth, choking saliva from greed. The main thing, the eyes to hold, "thought Makarenko, and spent the last view of the last deer hiding in the forest.
- Column! Do like me! - Anhard voice ordered Makarenko and knocked his palm on the head with the mechanics driver. - Deploy to the left.
The tank, having swinging and having hacked the birch barrack, turned across the road, after the deer. All the rest did the same.
- A wide chain, bypassing a flock with flanks, ahead! - the commander shouted with a broken voice, at the same time driving a cover from the tower machine ...
Ten combat vehicles, renovating engines, released black diesel clouds and rushed into the forest. For a herd. Behind them there were ten fresh prospects. Lai dogs and screams of hurried senior lieutenant Makarenko no longer heard, he was not before ...

Embassy workers of the largest powers of Europe, such as Germany, France, Italy, Spain, the United Kingdom, well-heated alcohol, satisfied and dried, organized their bodied bodies in the spots on the blankets of a masking green color. Near each arrow stood an assistant, ready to hold the weapon, wipe the sweat on Lysin, or the optics from the fume, and just ready to advise, which way to shoot.
First, by the radios, Henser was transferred that the herd would be released on the field from minute to minute, then the ether filled some incomprehensible screams, but it was already late - the bushes on the edge of the field, two hundred meters from the positions, deer appeared before the hunters. There was some impatient shooting, and then there was a nightmare, Armageddon and a quiet horror.
The forest was buried, zared, shook and fell, having collapsed trees, Ten tanks literally flew to the glade, they went with a semiring, clamping deer from the flanks, and led all this any crazy Russian, with the foam at the mouth of the machines of cars - he completely forgot about Headset.
- THE FIRE!!! - shouted Makarenko, and pressed the machine gun on the trigger hook ... He did not see the tent neither the tents in front. His gaze caught fire!
The first to understand the whole difficulty even no more sober assistants of hunters who have already managed to jump into the trenches to their wards and close their heads, and the Ambassador of Germany in Czechoslovakia ... He knew what a Russian tank attack was. Since the war, he remembered very well, as it looks like and what it can end, because, barely hearing the roar of engines of Soviet armored vehicles in the knees, he, despite the decent age and weight, pressing the belly to the ground, the stirmers as if cancer Minutes overcame in Plastanski distance from the trenches to the forest, there hide in the ravine and froze. I searched for him later a couple of hours exactly, but found calm, albeit pale, immediately visible - the man fought.
The Minister of Foreign Affairs simply and tritely slapped fainting and rolled into some kind of groove, because the main fun missed.
Ambassador of Great Britain, with inherent in the British Cold wrapped in a green blanket, which lay, and pretended to mummy, merging with the landscape.
The chubby Ambassador of Italy has been lacking for all languages \u200b\u200bavailable to him not only the time of this action but also a couple of days after that.
Spaniard just hugged a rifle and prayed ...
And the tank company, shooting all the deer, finally stopped. Muslim-drivers increased from cars, and began to throw carcasses on armor. During the whole of this operation, the hunters looked out of the trenches from the trenches, what was it, but the voices were not served. And right, why fall? Won from them, the Muslims of these, there are still knives ...

AS?! How are you, # la, I thought about it, hunter ??! This is an international scandal! - the general cried, Makarenko was prudently silent, looking at his feet. - I ... I don't even know. Can you imagine the titles of tomorrow's newspapers? Large, bold there will be written "Russians begin a new war with all of Europe", yes? "Mass executions of the Embassy workers", for sure? "Why does the FRG ambassador to Czechoslovakia stutter"!? I will kill you! Personally! I blow up in spitting! Also, thank God, there was no victims !! Fabulous luck!
While the general ruined, the connection was announced on the horizon. He clearly had some kind of urgent matter, but he was afraid to approach. Even walked on semi-bent, so that in case of danger, straightened to the side.
- T-T-TOV ... T-Comrade General! - I finally squeaked.
- WHAT! - General turned around.
- in-you to the phone ... it's urgently ...
Having sowed from the sock on the heel, the general still blurted out, changed the complexion of the face with the crimson on a simple red and went to the pile tent. In just a minute, he left it, and the species had some kind of peaceful and extremely thoughtful.
- Listen, Makarenko, and where to game?
- What?
- game, ask where?
- So this ... in the kitchen included. Now seed carcasses.
- Take a truck. Take this very game, and drive this address. Give game there, and we will assume that it is closed. I, of course, I will punish you. But the international scandal will not be.
Senior lieutenant, who has just been drilled by sound wave, rounded his eyes:
- Why, Comrade General?
- Now called from the Ministry of Foreign Affairs. Ambassadors in the same composition as yesterday, a holiday continue to the dacha of the minister ... Nerves soothe. They say that I would like to try cruelly killed by the venison. They also say that this attraction has not seen anywhere, and also asked to be silent about the incident ... especially the ambassadors of the Federal Republic of Germany and the United Kingdom.

Passing the venison, Makarenko escaped every carcass with tears in his eyes ... But after all, the hunt succeeded? Is not it?

Soviet-Chinese border. 198 * year. Winter.
Frosts in those edges - cracking, it happens to -50 omit. In such conditions, nature is hard, not that people: the trees are cracking, but the ice burst so that the shell born.

The case was in one January frosty evening. Two border guard soldiers received an order to bypass the state border of the USSR in foot by the Ice of Amur. They were supposed to bypass the border site three kilometers - from 20:00 to 3 hours, with minor stops, for a short respite and to evaluate the situation.

Winter, frost. Dried as it should be: on x / b-shki, wearing warm cotton pants and a jacket, and on top of a fur coat, felt boosted by a cat and mittens. Over the entire white camouflage bathrobe. And of course, AK, 120 ammunition (for each), alarm rocket launcher and charges to it, binoculars.
The night was, such a bright and moon, that "even the needles collect." Frost did not give to relax, but it was lucky that there was no wind.

Somewhere after an hour, three patrols of the border, one of the fighters named Ivan, was impatient in "great need." Stopped a break. The second learning that the sergeant began to be vulnerable, the cover was preparing as required according to the instructions. He did not go far - immediately sat down and began to go.

Minutes after 10, freezing lying, Grisha shouted the sergeant:
- Soon you are there? Coldly lie!

And in response silence. It turns around and sees: Ivan is already dressed, but in obvious bewilderment.
- Have you already finished or not? ...- again the question was asked.
- It seemed like, I just don't see anything ... - I followed the answer.

Grisha, coming down closer to his partner, began to look around, but besides the crystal whiteness of the ice, there was no dark spubby.
- Can the wind blown up - suggested Vanya.
- Yes, what kind of wind? - Running hands said Grisha.

Peak still some time, and they continued their way.
Already in the morning, they came to the barracks, frozen, but satisfied. Reluted weapons and other uniforms.

They began to shoot maskhalates and here behind the sergeant - something fell with a crash, he was delighted as a child and said quietly:
- Here it is my loss. And we were looking for ... Frost worked clearly, no traces on camouflage.

In the barracks, silence was hanging on the moment, duty officer, only and managed to silence:
- All your wear with me?!
How was the friendly laughter and woke up all the soldiers. It is good that your cotton clothes did not have time to remove, it was comfortable from laughing.
Well, took note: until he was convinced of what did the case, do not go boldly!

Soldier Moskalka - When I want to eat

Before the collapse of the Soviet Union, many Union republics, the wave of armed conflict was expressed. One of the troubled points, on the USSR map, was Baku in 1988.

In one of the motorized rifle regiments, he received an order: "On the roads leading to Baku to put posts. All passing cars check for weapons. "

All personnel raised anxiety early in the morning. Breakfast, of course there was no time. They said: field kitchen will also take breakfast and lunch and dinner.

And so, on one of these posts, 6 fighters put. In terms of living conditions, it is possible to say, they were lucky: the road stood an abandoned construction trailer. On the road on duty alimony - two duty on duty 2 hours, four in the trailer rest, then change.

And everything would be nothing, but by the radio transferred that the shifts can not be shifted yet - the second battalion was thrown into Sumgait, to gain. And closer to the dinner, they handed out that the field kitchen was also delayed indefinitely. In short, there is some kind of!

Closer to the evening, empty belly rose louder passing cars. But the service has a service! So he was on duty, until the corporal was published on his post.

Transport, there was a lot on the road - the Muslim holiday Kurban - Bayram was approaching. Almost every car tested, was clogged with products. Hungry soldiers, the kind of food has robbed even more in longing.

And so, stops the Efreitor next "penny". I checked the salon - there are sweets all sorts, fruits and other products, and in the trunk - slaughtered lamb. Sighing sad, tells the driver:

Happy way, pass. And with a bright holiday you, Kurban Bayram!

The driver has fun and rushed to the soldier to hug - kiss. And what congratulations / wishes fell out of his mouth! Yeah, they know how to speak the southern peoples! And in the subject to the words, gave a soldier a hefty piece of lamb, a cake, pita and some oriental sweets.

The corporal quickly unclapped what to do and began to congratulate all drivers. The response was almost all the same - mutual congratulations, wishes and gifts.

By the end of 2 hour duty, the edge of the road, behind the concrete block, gathered a rather big bunch of presented products.

And when the fighters with all this "treasure", after 2 hours they fell into the trailer, among holidays soldiers, the gift of speech disappeared. That day, the corporal became the hero of the day.

Exchangeers who came to the road after the Efreitor also congratulated all passing - for which gifts received.

For the next day, the field kitchen still arrived, but no one interested me porridge with a stew. And in the trailer, it became noticeably closer ...

Does NATO pilots know Russian?

This case occurred in the mid-1970s. Northwestern frontiers of our Motherland. Moonzund archipelago. Time of day - night.

Along the border of the Soviet Union, the unidentified target is moving at high altitude. Judging by the speed is the aircraft.

In the air rises the interceptor. The target is guided by appliances.

Negotiations of the pilot and the gunner (located on Earth):

Pilot interceptor:

Unidentified board, not responding to requests. I do not see onboard lights.

Petcher:

Glow! (The electric current in the rocket is supplied).

Pilot (surprised):

There is a heat. (There was no prerequisites for the attack).

Petcher:

High! (High voltage is supplied).

Pilot (even more surprised):

There is a high (after that, only the "Start!" Team follows)

Pilot:

Unidentified board gave an answer, turned on onboard lights. The goal leaves from the state border of the USSR.

It is not known how well the opponent's pilots knew Russian, but the guidance teams and the whole seriousness of the situation, apparently, they aroused well.

After this incident, people from a special department came to the officer - anesther.

Well, Semenov? (Let there be seeds). Will you wash your jokes from the main and backup voice recorder? Well, you put all our ears! Contrary to all instructions! And if they were shot down? Do you understand that a little international scandal did not organize?! "

The guidance officer has already been working not the first year, so boldly pulls the folder with the name "Plan of Operational Preparation" and shows the page on which operational measures are regulated on the verification of the procedure for performing hostilities, but without real starts.

Formally, this situation has fallen under the "Plan" event and the disquiser behind, without any claims in the future.

This case took place during the existence of the Soviet Union, in the Turkestan Military District.

The overwhelming part of the personnel, consisted of local - immigrants from the neighboring Central Asian republics.

With these warriors, in all military union, there was one and the same problem - they did not understand the words in Russian and it seems that they did not strive for it.

And many, simply, they simply pretended that they do not know - it is easier to serve.

But as a rule, everything could be explained to the end of the service.

Received another replenishment.

After passing two weeks quarantine, the vocabulary of "children of the mountains and steppes" was not very replenished.

When the commanders gave orders and teams, they answered monotonous:

Do not understand!

But, on any trick, in the army there is always a big trick! This is the truth tested by time!

And now, Rott, having a wonderful sense of humor, builds a new arrival warriors on the fee.

Takes a sheet with some old order printed on a printed machine and solemnly reads:

"Order of the Minister of Defense of the USSR, number such something, OT. such something numbers.

Establish the service life, in the ranks of the Soviet Army, for those who do not own Russian language - three years

Minister of Defense ... such something».

After a couple of hours, near the office, a queue was formed from the young. All included in the Cabinet of the Fighters were approximately the same phrase:

Tapping Captain, Private Kurbenderliev, Let Wilde! I understand the Russian ninushka.

Responsive Captain

Having learned about the upcoming general inspector inspection, the regiment commander urgently collected officers in his office. He appealed to the meeting at the meeting, with the order to appoint anyone from the officers to represent the regiment during inspection. The regiment commander experienced more than one check and magician previous experience, did not want to receive once again ... Dy, so I urgently got sick and went to the hospital.

Officers, in vain began to refuse - everyone had its own respectful reason: to someone to the Academy to do, someone is a complex political situation to rake. As a result, deputies and deputy. The battle "merged" at once, the rest also started to lift in a quiet.

The situation saved the case - the door opened and a young captain came to the office, who just arrived to pass the service. At the end of the meeting, he was in the problem, Captain Petrov (so he introduced himself), he himself volunteered to prepare the regiment to generally inspection.

To the question of the commander:

What is needed for this?

Captain replied:

Nothing is 300 rubles.

An delightful compartment gives him money and dumps to root.

The next day, Petrov reports the regiment commander that the regiment is ready to check.

And so, the "Grozny" General appeared in the part. As the general explained the lack of a compolat with closures and why the captain will accompany him - a story is silent.

General Captain asks:

Do you know how your soldiers live.

So exactly, T. General - Major! Okay! From one glance I can unmistakably determine what soldiers wear - socks or spots.

The general silently chooses several fighters and is convinced of the right of Lieutenant. Deciding to complicate the task, he demands to collect all the soldiers in the Lenin room and spend the political lesson. So done. In order not to ask them by Petrov - the forest of hands and the correct answers. The general thought. One thing remained to check the power of the military unit. They came to the dining room during lunch, and there a cook half a chicken floor in a plate Bach! .. Seeing this general and he also asked:

Can i?

Yes with pleasure! - And the floor of the chicken is already in a plate of General.

Checking General, nothing remained - how to put "perfectly" and served in your headquarters.

Immediately recovered a compolat, learning about the assessment, at joys introduced the captain to the next rank. Well, so, purely humanly thanked. And already at the table, the lieutenant told - how he all arranged.

Petrov ordered the soldiers, put on the left leg to put on a port tunic, and on the right - sock. What asked, they showed ... Of course, on political priority, the fighters could not know everything and therefore the questions asked questions, who know the right hand, do not know - the left. It seemed the impression that everyone knows. Well, by 300 rubles, the captain bought a chicken in the market, which was cut in half. What, one half submitted to the general, and the second tied to the scoop!

That's all! - Smiled newly-made major.

What can you do, for the sake of dismissal ...

On the northern fleet, one of the ship's officers, a mechanic on the sea traveler, wanted to quit the reserve. But the case was in the times of restructuring, people were missing, and naturally nobody was going to let him go.

Which it only did not try the methods: he drunk in the service, went to the sorry, rosychyril, badly performed his professional duties, etc. The officer achieved only the fact that the command transferred him to the ship, which was in major repairs. You can imagine what this means at the time, if earlier the repair was delayed for a year or two, then during the "restructuring", real terms were unknown to anyone.

As usual, on such ships served by the guilty officers, from which the bosses on decent ships have long dreamed of getting rid of. By the way, if you look at such a ship, you can hardly find at least one living soul. But the pieces of all the masters, removed mechanisms and the open deck say that the work is boiling!

Seeing all this, the mechanic decided to add "know-how" in the interior of the ship. The portholes on the ship are small - only 20-25 centimeters in diameter - in such a "window" not every head will break. Semen decided to eliminate this inconvenience.

Cutting a piece of onboard autogen 2x2 meters, put the balcony frame, the door and welded outside the balcony. In the morning, when the first rays of the sun were illuminated by the cabin, she acquired a view of a fashionable room of a cool hotel. So it was pulling to reach a balcony with a cup of strong coffee and a cigarette to admire the beauty of the sea, groaning chasing over it and breathe light marine breeze.

As he managed to save this project in secret from the command - it is unknown, but his disguise was a success on glory - no one noticed anything before the coming commission led by Admiral. This admiral was famous for the fact that he was very scrupulous and rearranged - for the slightest shortcomings, the officer makes something like that, that I wanted to give him a face, but the charter did not allow him.

Seeing all these innovations, the admiral embraced the tetanus, he did not say what to say, stopped breathing. When the gift of speech returned to him - the ship was sent to eliminate the balcony, and the commander received an NSS (a warning about incomplete service correspondence is a very serious punishment!).

The mechanic finally got his long-awaited dismissal of reserve, which was extremely happy. Surprisingly, the truth is that he was not attracted to criminal responsibility - "for damage to property."

I told my colleague, who was once at military fees (still at the Institute).
A whole company arrived by potential recruits, while still, students. Among them were two brothers Ivanovy - Alexander Yuryevich and Vasily Yuryevich. In the list, respectively, they were in order.
First roll call. The gray-haired major carefully peers into the list, calls the names according to the alphabet, comes to the brothers.
- Ivanov!
- Here!
... Major peers at the initials.
- A.Yu.?
- YES, I am.
All have fallen. Major did not understand.

He told his girlfriend of his wife, she works in a military unit in some kind of writings.
Well, she is sitting in her office, paper, all sorts of place
It shifts in place, here Prapor looks, the storekeeper and asks:
- Do you need light bulbs?
- What kind?
- Well, at 40, 60, 75 watts in the chandelier to screw.
- Sure!! (no one will give up from freebies)
- How much? - The question follows.
- Well, I carry how much it does not feel sorry, "says his friend. Prapor disappears.
It was not about thirty, then he comes and follows a completely specific question:
- Do you have so many for me?
Here it is the latitude of the Russian soul !!!

We had a person with the surname Sergeant. He had a major.
With a phone call in army (and not only) the order of a person
The ranking of the phone must be introduced to the title. You can
submit that people from the General Staff thinking to such focuses
When they were happily answered in the phone: "Major-Sergeant"!

1944 year. Far Ukraine. T-34 specifically stuck in the ravine. Calculate, naturally could not. At night, the Germans attaching that the crew was gone, slept the T-4 and hooked the "thirty part" with a cable. After a series of selected German mat, they pulled the tank. And he took, and he went to his trenches. The Germans, torturing, give the reverse, and T-34 contemptuously sneezing the engine, drove up and pulled them behind him. On the tandem, the mortars are starting, but a stupid. The commander of the "Panzer" tried to get out through the top hatch, but received a fragment in his head and calmed down, spreading the brains. As a result, ours returned themselves, dragged 4 prisoners and trophy on the rope.

In one company serve several medium-media, which did not know a word in Russian before the call, but for a month something learned. And now the company goes for lunch, and "on the bedside" remains a daily among these most medium-media. It must be said that the deputy. Major was Major, and his title learned everything, and many naively thought that he was the most eldest in the rank. And the commander of the detachment was a lieutenant colonel and was on vacation before this day.
And now the commander of the detachment is a lieutenant colonel who has two stars on his chains - comes from vacation and enters this company. The daily average of the average gives him the honor and reports, looking at the epaulets and remembering all Russian words with horror:
- Comrade ... Double Major! Rota was. No company. Rota in the dining room haws. The daily itself, the rank rank itself (such something).
From this day, the commander of the squad was a "double major".

From real life (1971). The young warrior Tajik Oramymedov in Russian did not know a word before the call .. the first construction. Colonel of Maltsev at around bypass the building was maintained before Orazummedov and asked:
- How is the service? He got up "Smirno" and loudly replies:
- Zeb # smiling!

When he studied in a military school, he had one commander in his company
the platoon, which was called the "helicopter" for being shunter
Constantly anywhere in a hurry, rushing. Voice, of course, knew about his
Nickname and it did not like it. Once he went to the office and
He turned to the company commander:
- Comrade Captain! Me in the company "helicopter" is called, offensive, make
something.
- Well, Comrade Lieutenant, I'll think about it.
- Well, then I flew?
Sleeve comments.

Two Dembels for the urgency sent the tyatet "type of compatible" cleaned, shovel and vessel. They have reported to try a series of technical objects, it gives a thickness of a 300 atmosphere around the hose. Hose on the bottom of the pit and "Pysk!". The tyalt hung in the article at an altitude of 10 m, and the Kazakh and the headquarters snapped with a cloud of the small Mr. (Capper Tyman). Walls smelled long ...

Mid 80s. Ruhovsky garrison in the Odessa region. Morning construction in the helicopter shelf. Half of officers - in sunglasses. The regiment commander passed along the building and asked:
- What do you think glasses and smell beat off

Once my Bath served in the Rabbo. This is the Trans-Baikal Military District, where all Soviet officers dreamed not to get, but we fell. His then comeda had the original "facefect" of speech. He came with a row of letters from him (and before him). And on the 23rd of February, he fell out somehow drunk in front of the department of division, gets up, clinging behind the tree, falls, gets up and screaming for the whole part: "Pour !!! On 30-centimeters from the ground to drink !!! Blah !!! " And goes away. All soldiers with officers about the day are pilant trees (the order is the order). A day later, comes already sober, climbs out of Uzika, looks at this case, litters and says "freaks, what did you do ??? I said Russian language, whitewashing, to whitewashing 30 centimeters ... "
P.S. Two days all sat down new trees ....

A friend came from the army, told. The third day has been distributed. Sit smoked in a gazebo, that near the barracks. Here at one fighter phone calls.
- Oh, mom, hello! No, moms, I can't walk with rema. Why ... Because I'm in the army, mom!

One of our pop diva, I will not call the surname, advocated the military.
Chero came to perform a song with the title "On the Society!"
The song, apparently, loved by the people (I never heard her, I can't say anything), so the singer declared her solemn and festively:
- And now for you a song ... on ... by ... with ...
Here she extended a microphone to General sitting on the first row so that he would have given the last syllable in the name of the song.
- si! - said the general.

I call to my mobile friend, which is now in the army.
- Hello how are you?
- Hello, just now I can not talk long, I stand in the dress.
I, as a person who did not serve, I see if not immediately:
- And who did you dress up?
- In the military!

1986, building at the Military Department of the Novosibirsk Electrotechnical Institute, cadets (students) - the last stream that did not go to the army.
One hand cadet turns not to the other side.
Lieutenant Colonel Reznikov-Levit:
"You are what, comrade cadet, do not know where the left, where is the right? Even a three-year-old baby knows that the right hand is the one on which the thumb on the left! .. "

2000th year. He served in the army. Half a year before demob.
Sunday, evening construction. A drunk ensign comes to build a barracks. Here, the entrance door opens with the legs, Major flies and with a cry on Prapor: I told you ... blah blah blah ...
Prapor listened to everything, thought, barely barely got up .. And here is the beauty of Russian speech! He says: who can I say!? According to Major's face, it was clear - Chelavek thought for the first time in his life. A minute later, he left without saying a word. The company fell half an hour.

- Why is the ass will be sewn?!
I turned around and saw our commandant. He looked at me.
- Why do you sew the ass?!
Ah ... it's he about the chinel. I have a new chinel, and I have not yet a fold on my back. This is he about the fold.
- Roller your ass, or I ruin it to you !!!
- There is ... break your ass ...

Familiar WATS-Shnik, told the story:
"They came to our part of the Indians, and we think, let's go to # them. The detachment in high grass in the field was hidden in the field, clung to the plane of the uniform, the plane flew out, dropped the units, they fell in the field without parachutes, the squad got up, smoked and ran away. Hindus were shocked "

In the army case. Somehow two cadets are suitable for the captain and say:
- Comrade Captain, when let's go to the bath wash? Already two weeks like dirty go!
What the answer is received:
- Bear all my life is not clean, and everyone is afraid everyone!

Even before I became a student, I had to host a medical board, for the readiness to fulfill military debt. The surgeon's medical examination passes like this: the crowd comes (person 20) guys, clothing shape panties ... then the team follows: the briefs are launched and bent ... the physical examination itself begins. Well, we are standing, it means that everything in the pose "zy" feet clapped with hands and on the surgeon after "back" look.
And here one guy gives:
- Well, the delay is not visible there? !!!

The story of an extreme New Year Salute. This is now with them, with beautiful salutes, not a problem - you go to the store and buy for every taste. And on any wallet. Therefore, our New Year's Heavens turn into a demonstration of the financial capabilities of launchwear. But during the times of the Soviet Union of massive fireworks was not. Only two categories of citizens, hunters and security forces, could be allowed to let rockets. Because they had special rocket pistols.

I remember how in a distant childhood, in the late 70s, my classmates and my classmates were pulled through the fence of the military unit and changed from soldiers and ensigns the flow of food on the signal cartridges. But the coolest of the boys was considered to get an army explosion. Here he is soothing in real! Adult! Military!Like a real grenade!

So, a note will be about an overdue explosion and a witty reaction to this delay.

Question: Who is the most famous aviahuligan in our country? ...

Secrets, slight refinement! I do not mean the modern air drunks on board the resort airliners! I ask about the real desperate and brave larger pilots. Everyone born in the Soviet Union will answer this question like this: "Well, of course, this is Valery Chkalov!".

Yes, indeed, the most famous is he, a famous tester pilot, the Hero of the USSR, a repeated air record holder, a commander of the aircraft crew, who committed the first non-winning flight through the North Pole from Moscow to Vancouver, Pet of Comrade Stalin, the loved holders of all citizens of our country (and especially Women's Half) - Valery Pavlovich Chkalov . And at the same time, the regular violator of a flight and military discipline, a frequent guest on Gauptvakta and a person with a very hard, complex and independent character.

As an entry into the next aviation history, I will share the memories of one former racket.

I do not remember exactly - where he served, which locality; Whether in North Kamchatka, or in South Chukotka, and maybe in Yakutia, but I know firmly - his unit was engaged in the search and selection of fallen parts of ballistic missiles. This is not one, even the most tiny fragment did not get enemy spiers.

Test rockets were usually started from a cosmodrome Plesetsk or from Kapustina Yara, and fell on the Kamchatka Polygon Kura. Sometimes underwater boats of the Northern Fleet shot in Kura. Soldiers on Earth (with the help of helicopters in the sky) among the taiga and tundra were selected the spent fuel stages and other important parts of the missiles.

This story is one of the many Taek times of the USSR, and to be more accurate, then the period of the Cold War.

It happened when the "Caribbean crisis" appeared between the Great countries. Then the relationship between the two superpowers were far from the ideal, and the smell of the nuclear war was tied in the air. In addition to the smell, the airplanes were flying, which periodically satisfied each other provocations.

In one distant-distant galaxy ... Ugh, you! ... In one distant-distant sea-ocean, our teachings walked. In the sky, two Soviet aircraft tu-163 were flying and suddenly two fighters of NATO countries approached them. They hung on the tail and began to heal. Most likely, the supports took our tankers for Tu-16 bombers. Or, most likely, they simply decided to sweat our nerves to our guys.

In one of my fleet notes, I told well, a very romantic sea bike about creating a famous song "Tired submarine" The authorship of the composer Alexandra Pakhmutova to the verses of Nikolai Dobronravov.

And you know, about this wonderful creative and married couple there is another gorgeous fleet history - about visiting the northern fleet of the Northern Fleet atomic rocket in the village of Hajiyevo. This history told this on the page of the Internet edition "Pravda.ru" the eyewitnesses of those events Andrey Mikhailov - The retired submarine officer, in the past, the commander of the Division of the survivability of nuclear submarines, a very talented journalist and a large optimist in life. Unfortunately, Andrei Mikhailov left life ... So this story in memory of this bright man.

I do not know exactly - served or not in the army Aktera Oleg Dal and Mikhail Kokshenov. Most probably not. But here on the lip, that is, on Gauptvakta, they were trying. How this can be: not to serve and at the same time please fall on the lip - you ask? But as it was.

It happened in the city of Kaliningrad during the shooting of a wonderful film about the war "Zhenya, Zhenya and" Katyusha "who put Vladimir Motyl.

Oleg Dal played the main character - a romantic and a little naive soldier Zhenya Kolyshkin. And Mikhail Kokshenov very convincingly depicted the greedy corner of Zakha's Zakha.

What is the most important soldier and sailor principle? "Get away from the authorities, closer to the kitchen!". Therefore, I will continue the topic of army baek notes about the delicious and healthy army food.

I got somehow in the network a wonderful story about a very unusual fleet kashe. Repeat it to you, a little silent and edited.

The author of food memories served on the Black Sea Fleet, and there were all sorts of casters for two lives forward. Just like me, at the time of my fleet of youth, the indelible traces in memory remained from a biz. I liked the phrase that characterizes the impact of this product on the body - they say, some of it grown incredible - they were not placed in the photo lens. They were called the Perlovka on the ship - a reactive-bombing unit, in honor of a very powerful anti-submarine bombing. And the humorial name of the Republic of Belarus was given for the digestive reaction that the barb was produced with the body.

Each self-self-respecting warlord is simply obliged to follow the dinner and not enough to keep his subordinates to be relaxed. And the warlords are bodied. Here are just the methods of sudden checks with them ... to put it mildly ... a variety of. And sometimes, because of his surprise, even dangerous. And for the rules themselves. Here is a characteristic example.

In 1999, I served in one of the bokers. One graduate of the agricade was served with us, the so-called "biennium" - the lieutenant, his profession was, as it was not difficult to guess, the vet, although on the staff we were listed (c) rachom. (K) The Ondir of the detachment did not like biennias in general, and this is especially.
Somehow we (including (K) and this "doctor" and several other officers) with the inspection check went on the finders. In one of the post, they saw, as one horse arouses on the fence and hitting, bounces off (and so several times). (K) asked:
- Why does this horse behave like this?
To which (c) he replied that this horse was old, already blinded, it did not go along the border, but having trapped firewood, etc.
(K): - Are you a doctor?
(B): - so exactly!
(K): - So do it!
(B): - There is!
(C) moved away from us, took his own sacrifice and went towards the horse, and we went on their affairs and lost him out of sight. After 20 minutes, when we were already sitting at the table in the gazebo, approached (c) and said:
- Your order has been completed, did everything that could.
And this horse stands behind him, in tremendous glasses !!! These "glasses" (c) made from aluminum wire and of course they were without glasses.
After all together and long laughed, (K) said:
- Come here, you are our person. - And invited (c) at the table.

It happened during my service in the army.
Imagine, standing on duty on the checkpoint, at this time a mature couple comes up, from somewhere from Central Asia and asked "and where is your tank part, do we have a tanker's son?" The duty officer politely responds that there is no tank part nearby. A woman says how so they say no, the son has a tanker wrote, which serves here. The duty officer repeats its previous answer by adding what is served for the second year and knows exactly that there are no tankers nearby. Then the woman leads his last argument, shows the photo of his son from the army.
At the duty officer was hysterical, in the photo with a predetermined posture, this "tanker" was captured by the belt from the sewer hatch and holding the cover in front of her.
Curtain...

In the shelf, where I served, was a cross to 10 km. The inspection came with General led by our military torment. General good. Joking. Officers laugh. As a team. Sergeant Dotsenko tells us:
- It is not necessary to run away, but your head.
In short, we cut off a few kilometers. No one noticed anything. Officers are satisfied: there are no unscrewed. Only Major, who led all this runner, something stunt and fist threatens. In the fist, the stopwatch. Suitable for Major with Stopwatch General:
- What's the matter?
Second major reports:
- Half participants of the race have established a new world record!
Do you know what a general answered? He asked:
- Why only half?

This story is told to me by my father, although the Military loves, to clarify the monotonous military days, embellish, but judge themselves ...
Once, in one country friendly, they sat and drank the missile officers. As always, not enough. What to do, rocket installation is guarded, i.e. You do not eat alcohol from her (it turns out, it is used there, but this is a separate story), they decided to criesse. Found a canister with liquid, well, it hurts on alcohol like. And how to check? After all, the hooves can be discarded.
We decided, in general, the test to produce. As a reagent, after a short meeting, they decided to use the yard tumik. They dipped out, heating as it should, a piece of black bread @, gave a dog. That with hunger swallowed at the moment. We sat, waited a little (but the pipes are burning), the dog runs - you can drink!
Almost immediately half the canister persuaded, and one lieutenant went to the courtyard to ventilate .. looks, and Tuzik - lies near the entrance, and he has a foam from his mouth.
In short, everything was not joking and mig in the San per. There, naturally, the flushing on the full program and in front and behind ... In general, survived.
Return back, and Tuzik - runs, infection! Just badly became a dog from the amount of alcohol with a small number of snacks.
Imagine how much kaif our warriors have lost?

Heh, this glorious story took place at the time of my studies in the Kharkov Rocket School (Kilvurv. They are no longer there, and instead, Ukrainians made some kind of university instead.
4th course. RESOLUTION OF THE CERESS FOR KRL (Team Radarini).
Absolutely wonderful guy stands at the board and signs shows me that 2 and 3 question in tickets he does not know at all - they say help. I'm trying to tell him on the same language of gestures to tell something behind the teacher. And I do not have time to answer his queue.
There is nothing to do - my comrade is inhibits the first question on the top five and is approaching the second line, and then therefore the third questions in which I already said it is complete zero.
I remind you that it was a state examination and the Commission from Moscow worked in the school.
And so, as soon as he finished the answer to the first question - the door to the audience swallows and includes the Moscow General with his retinue. Of course, everyone "Smirno" teacher has repeatedly, and the general says: "Well, who answers us here?"
He is shown, and the general sit down directly opposite the poor fellowship, which is already tested by different colors of the rainbow. As he fainted from Stape, did not fall away - I do not know. In the audience silence. The cadet stands nor dead. The general wants to interrupt the protracted silence encourages the guy. Nus, comrade cadet - I listen to you.
Here, my comrade suddenly pulls out at a fast and loud clear voice reports:
- Cadet response to the ticket finished!
After this phrase, the spots of the rainbow begins to be covered by the teacher.
General, completely naively asks the teacher:
- Do you have additional questions?
The one who was dyed by such a turn, washed something, asked some kind of nonsense at the surrender and, obviously, already realizing that it was better to let this cadet, than to put on trouble in the presence of a high Moscow guest puts him "4" and let go.