Offended people psychology. Resentment lives in the soul: where does this terrible resentment come from? How resentment manifests itself

Hello dear readers! A resentful person is a person who is not able to fulfill his needs on his own, and choosing such a childish way, he manipulates others, expecting them to provide just what he needs while they make amends, reward suffering and prove their love.

Where does she come from?

Problems from childhood

Resentment is actually a stopped aggression that a person, for some reason, cannot show in some situation, in relation to someone, or in general. This style of behavior and response to difficulties, as usual, originates from childhood.

Do you remember how little children puff out their lower lip and start crying, mimicking world-wide suffering? It even touches, if only because the child is still stupid and not independent. Therefore, caring adults instantly try to detect and destroy the causes of his grief. With the help of this feeling, the child already at a more conscious age, well, about two years old, begins to try to control his parents, wanting to get his own.

And if this maneuver works in every situation, then it will successfully gain a foothold and take root, becoming one of the components of his personality. And what, it’s very convenient, to find a weak spot in mom, for example, the fear of condemnation and shame, and then, if she doesn’t buy the desired toy, throw a tantrum right in the store, because of which you get a soft spot and then defiantly shut up , filling the eyes with pain and sadness.

Mom will definitely feel guilty later, and the brighter the suffering is depicted, the faster it will happen. And it is customary to “make amends” for guilt, so even if not on the same day, but on the next, she will go for a toy. After all, to admit the thought that “I am a bad mother” is scary and shameful.

So, having tried this method once and having received positive reinforcement, that is, the necessary effect, the baby will use it again and again. The only problem is that, growing up and going out into the world, establishing connections with other people, more mature and responsible, he stumbles upon an unexpected discovery - his method does not work, or works, but not with everyone.

Only here is knowledge and practice, how to interact with them in a different way - no, which is why suffering intensifies, causing a very clear feeling that he was a victim, powerless and unhappy in this world of unjust people.

Example one

If about aggression, then there is a stereotype that anger is bad. And if a small child is angry with someone, then he is also necessarily bad, and moreover, he will still be punished for it. And in general, how dare he be angry with his parents if they gave him life and take care of him?

And it doesn't matter that mom turned off the cartoon on the very interesting place stating it's time for bed. This mother understands the consequences if you don’t get enough sleep, but the baby still doesn’t, and anger is a completely healthy reaction to violation of his boundaries. Well imagine you're watching the much anticipated Soccer game, and the wife, saying that she has to get up early for work, abruptly turns off the TV. What is your reaction?

So, reacting with a completely logical and healthy emotion, the baby only receives punishment, depending on how it is accepted in the family, either in the ass, or in the form of rejection, etc. And so time after time.

Of course, over time, he will realize that this does not work with his parents, so he chooses a new method. Only growing up again, he will unconsciously immediately block his irritation and anger, displacing these feelings completely and denying that he experiences them at all.

Therefore, when a loved one is late from work, it is more common to be offended, to say that he no longer loves, to close himself in a room and sob, waiting for evidence to the contrary, than to say that he was angry, because she was waiting for him home because she missed him.

Example two

Another reason why a person becomes touchy is the example of adults. A baby, being born, does not know what is good and what is bad, and in general, how to handle and behave with this world. He learns this from those who nurture him. And no matter what you tell him, he will read exactly your behavior, trying to reproduce it.

If metaphorically, then the child builds his own separate house, and takes the bricks from significant people, as well as the planning project itself. Now imagine that dad turned out to be the most significant, only the trouble is that his house was not completed, because at some stage of his development he got stuck, and now he turns into a victim at every opportunity when he does not want to take responsibility.

Then, if on the way the baby does not meet more significant person, with a full-fledged completed “dwelling”, then in adulthood he will turn into a little suffering girl for moments if someone dares not to live up to his expectations. Even if he is 50 years old. Yes, it's cruel, but that's what people who abuse this feeling look like.

In general, is this feeling necessary?

1. What gives resentment? So, what to do and how to stop being a sufferer if feelings really go off scale and cover you with your head like a wave? First of all, turn on rationalization, this will help you cool down a bit and feel the ground under your feet. Just think, what will it give you if at the moment, huddled into a ball, you sob all alone?

If, of course, you just want to cry, that's your right. But when you choose this path in order to fully feel all the pain and punish the offender in this way, stop immediately, otherwise, apart from self-destruction, this will not bring the destruction of relationships.

2. Do you know how people feel about touchy people? No, not love, tenderness and desire to be closer, but disgust, hostility, disappointment, pity and anger. Human psychology is such that he does not want to feel a prisoner of guilt. Therefore, even if they try to “make amends” for it, most likely they do it in order to finally stop this circus, depriving themselves of tension, and so that you come to your senses sooner. And not because he suddenly realized how badly he acted with such wonderful person how are you.

Now think about it, do you really enjoy the fact that you are torturing yourself and loved ones? First of all, you make yourself worse by depriving yourself of joys and pleasures. Is the “office of the victim” worth such suffering and restrictions?

3. Explore. Why and for what are you ready to execute your offender, and is he really as guilty as it seems? Unfortunately, situations are not uncommon when, not being able to show aggression in fact and in place, she shoots through a large number of years on people completely uninvolved in this story.

A common example is when, having received a negative relationship experience, a girl begins to avenge her broken heart to all subsequent men, as if they are to blame for the fact that she once chose a not-so-good guy as a partner.

By the way, in order to determine the degree of your resentment, you can go.

Responsibility and self-esteem

Responsibility, only we are responsible for our life and its quality. And this statement should become your motto. Don't expect others to meet your needs. No one owes anything to anyone, and if you learn this, life will become much easier.
If you do not reconsider your expectations, especially if they are too high, then you risk spending your whole life without getting what you want. It is important to understand that in this world no one owes anything to anyone. Therefore, it is necessary to independently step towards the dream. If you require something from others, then think about whether what you give in return is equivalent?
Work on your self-esteem, because it is precisely this behavior that is direct evidence that a person is not confident in himself, which is why, torturing his "tyrant", he asserts himself so clumsily.

Exercises

1. "Balloon". In moments when you realize that you are once again letting your childishness take over, do this exercise. To do this, you will need to be alone with yourself for at least 5 minutes. Close your eyes and imagine that you have a deflated Balloon. For the best effect, it is quite possible to take the real one.

So, your task is to inflate it, imagining that along with the air, all negative experiences and thoughts get into it. Take a deep breath, and as you exhale, release your body from negative emotions. Then tie it up and let it go. Let it fly wherever it wants, burst, now it does not concern you.

2. Love yourself. A person who loves himself and appreciates himself will not allow such exaggerated torments in relation to himself, moreover, independently organized ones. So do a good deed, allow yourself to be happy, and the recommendations indicated will help you with this.

How to deal with such an infantile personality

Most importantly, do not take on universal sins, trying to atone for everything to the last. Such a person will intentionally hurt you in any way, just to avenge his offense, which, by the way, can come from nowhere. So do not encourage such behavior by patiently enduring all the torture, just to pay tribute to suffering.

Adult people communicate, they discuss what does not suit someone, hurts and angers, and look for ways, that is, they agree on how to deal with this further. Without accusations, tantrums and depreciation.

Conclusion

Resentment is a habit, and habits must be fought if they are harmful. Yes, and how to communicate with someone without understanding at what point a “grenade will explode” and how destructive it will be? So you have the strength and then you can change, because the main thing is desire!

The material was prepared by Alina Zhuravina.

Resentment suffocates, resentment lives in the heart, resentment torments ... Resentment is a psychological reaction to an irritant, often just a word or a look. For people who do not know how to be offended or hold a grudge for a long time, from the outside, long-term, black resentments in the soul of another seem like a strange problem and an incomprehensible phenomenon. And often we do not understand what pain we inflict on others, how we offend them, and how such insults are remembered for years later. Neighboring with each other, communicating, people who do not feel offense cannot even imagine in what states a very touchy person can be.

I am not a touchy person. No, it's not that I can't be offended. Of course, if I get hurt, I will be offended. But not for long. People like me are usually called forgiving. As a child, my mother was very surprised by this feature of mine. She always enthusiastically told how I, upset and quarreling, running away from everyone in the world with offended cries, after 10-15 minutes came back and behaved as if nothing had happened. Mom always said that I was a very intelligent child who knew how to calm down his grievances. But she was wrong - I just forgot them. Not through willpower, but simply because I am such a person.

Moreover, through my properties, on the contrary, it always seemed to me that all other people also cannot be offended for a long time, like me. Of course, you can flare up, you can be offended, but it will definitely pass quickly. Even if the offense is very big, how can you hide it in yourself for more than a few hours?

My mother, on the contrary, is a very touchy person by nature. I always felt sorry for her, because many people really left wounds in her heart: they said unpleasant things to her, offended her, threw unkind looks in her direction. In every mother's story, in her every word, I also felt resentment. Not for myself, for my mother. Listening attentively to her stories, some wild feeling of black resentment also rose in my soul. Something I have never experienced for myself. When it's wildly insulting, to tears, to blackness, to nausea ...

This painful feeling of someone else's resentment, feeling for another person, gave me an idea of \u200b\u200bwhat strong resentment is. But, it is not surprising that I forgot other people's grievances even faster than my own. When my mother, after several months or years, began to tell the same story of resentment, I usually just waved my hand - oh, do you still remember? She could not rid herself of this feeling of bitter resentment in her soul.

Interestingly, the question never occurred to me in my life: why does my mother remember everything so clearly - to the smallest detail, to the emotion in her eyes, to the word? I did not attach any importance to this, I treated it superficially, like everything in the world. Maybe, I thought, she just remembers these grievances from time to time. And I could not even imagine that such a state of resentment in her is not undulating, but constant - her resentment is not interrupted, but suffocates, torments, lies like a heavy stone on her heart all the time.

My discovery - where do touchy people come from?

What is resentment, I learned from my mother's stories, while still being a very little girl. But what it really means resentment, a heavy feeling in the soul, I realized quite recently. I could really feel this, understand a person who is tormented by resentment, only after training in systemic vector psychology by Yuri Burlan. But to understand is to help.

The fact that not all people are the same has been observed and known for a long time. But what exactly this difference lies in, where its roots, I managed to understand only at the training. It turns out that there are such people - the owners of the anal vector. They have certain innate character traits. Such people (in a developed state) are very clean - women are good housewives, men are called "master - golden hands" according to their merits. They are very stubborn and like to do everything to the end, to the point. By nature, these same people have a good memory - they can tell whole stories about their childhood, remembering everything in great detail. For me, a person who does not have any of these characteristics, it was easy to recognize them as my mother. I am a person with opposite properties, the owner of the skin vector. I don’t have such properties as hers, but there are many others: dexterity and speed, the ability to count well and instantly navigate where it’s profitable, a logical mindset. And also - a weak memory for long-standing events. What happened yesterday, I remember very well, but my childhood is rather weak. And if it were not for the Odnoklassniki project on the Internet today, I could hardly remember my school friends even by their names. A skin person can also be offended, but because of his weak memory, as well as his flexible nature, he forgets this very quickly.

The only thing that a skin person does not forget is if he was shortchanged or turned into a bad deal with him. But this is quite...

So, a person with an anal vector is a hostage to his good memory. On the one hand, this is an excellent property that allows him to learn and become a real specialist in his field, remembering many details. But at the same time, he has the ability to accumulate bad memories, resentment. He remembers them so vividly and, as if he preserves them - exactly, in the smallest detail, he remembers the whole history of the offense, as if it happened not 20 years ago, but yesterday.

Read about how a child can often be offended and what this leads to.

If the anal person has another vector, visual, then the situation with resentment against a person in the soul can be even more depressing. The visual vector is very emotional, such a person is able to swing on his emotions. Positive, such as joy, happiness, love, or negative - in fears. Having united in one person, the anal and visual vectors create a unique personality. On the one hand, this is a truly golden person, pure, intelligent, beautiful in soul, but on the other hand, very often, he is a real hostage of frequent, strong insults that result in the hardest, painful, full of bitter tears, suffering. Moreover, these grievances occur on the most ordinary things that other people, for example, such skin people like me, do not attach any importance to at all. They are often offended, offended by a word or even just by a look.

People who are often and strongly offended are most often the owners of two vectors: anal and visual.

I recently went to the water park. As you know, showers in water parks are separate, but the changing rooms are shared, with separate changing cabins. And here I am, already dressed in my clothes, standing, drying my hair. As always, my head is full of my thoughts... I dried it out - I hung a long hose from a hair dryer on a hook. You cannot turn off the hair dryer, it will buzz for the set time. I go to my locker. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice that a man in swimming trunks is standing near the drawer opposite and takes clothes for changing clothes. At this moment, the hose from my hair dryer falls off and starts to beat against the wall. With the thought "that's a fool" and a look of tiredness on my face, I have to go back and hang it back. Having solved the problem with the rampant hose, I return to the locker. He, as luck would have it, does not open, and this is already starting to infuriate me. I am angry. Behind me I hear a voice:
- Excuse me, girl, did I offend you with something?
- What are you speaking about?
- You looked at me like that! And then they ran away somewhere, with such an expression on their faces! It's because of me?
Previously, before the training in system-vector psychology, I would just chuckle and think that he was an idiot. And, perhaps, she would have been rude in response. But today I understand that this is a very sensitive, unhappy anal-visual person who is drowning in insults. It is very difficult for him to live, under the yoke of his grievances, which arise from one glance. And I don't want to add one more. The only way to save the situation is to sincerely apologize to him.
- What are you, what are you! Not! My hair dryer just fell, I went back to hang it up.
The man lowers his head, and I understand that he does not believe me. I literally feel his resentment, which is being formed. I feel so sorry for him, I don't want him to be offended. And I'm trying my best to fix the situation:
- Sorry, for God's sake. I just always have this expression on my face, as if I'm unhappy with something. It comes naturally when I think about it. Forgive me if I offended you. I didn't even see you before, before you spoke to me. Excuse me, excuse me.
The man takes his things and goes to the changing room, but before he closes it, he says to me:
- In any case, I wish you all the best, have a good day and good luck in life. Do not be offended at me...

The problem of those who surround a highly touchy person is that they often do not notice when they offend him with a word, deed or look. We often chat something, do not attach importance to our words. And then suddenly we find out that it turns out that the person harbored a grudge. For one word or look - having invested in them, some big meanings, which in fact were not in sight. A year will pass, and maybe 20, and only then can a secret be revealed to us - it turns out that all this time a person not only remembered this event, but kept it in his memory as if alive, and harbored a bitter-black resentment, the size of which is simply impossible to imagine.

But people with an anal vector have another feature - this is a tendency to cruelty. It is not surprising that it is they who do not just hold a grudge, are not just vindictive, they are also vengeful. It is people with an anal vector who can hatch a plan of revenge for years, how they will disgrace the offender, or repay him with the same unbearable suffering, the same resentment. It is not certain that they will implement this plan. But it's not a fact that it isn't.

Living in a pair with such a person is sometimes simply unbearable. If a husband or wife often harbors a grudge, this is a very difficult, conflict situation. The difficult atmosphere that persists in such a family affects everyone, including the development and formation of children. In addition, very often hidden grievances are reflected by diseases on the person who accumulates them. Therefore, a person prone to resentment needs help.

Not in persuasion not to be offended, but in the real, psychological help. Only this will help him cope with his grievances in his soul.

Do not live with grievances and do not let your loved ones live with grievances!

The causes of human resentment lie deep in the subconscious. It is simply impossible to rid a person with an anal vector of his bitter grievances. Especially, from those who have been living in the heart for many years - to parents, to brothers or sisters, to friends, to themselves ...

My mother, remembering grievances for 20 years, having become acquainted with system-vector psychology, made an amazing discovery: it turns out that all this time she only tormented herself, causing damage to her health. The same people, whom she was offended by, have other properties and were often not to blame for anything. It was my mother who put into their words, into their views those meanings that she was then offended by. This insight helped her look at the world differently and no longer dwell on grievances.

Of course, you can sympathize and empathize, as I did in my time with my mother. And for a while, what he shares with you will make him feel better. Unless, of course, you yourself are not the offender. But be that as it may, resentment, such disgustingness, does not let go of the anal person and soon rises again in the soul as real blackness, devouring all the thoughts of the anal person. The only way to get rid of such long-standing grievances is to understand yourself, your nature, the nature of your desires, their orientation, your realization. Therefore, if you have an acquaintance, or maybe the closest person who is too touchy, do not waste a minute - drag him to a training in system-vector psychology, there he will be delivered. The same training is very good for those who want to finally learn how to communicate with people who are too touchy, for example, in a team or in a family. How not to make an enemy in their face, how not to offend - all this can be learned there, at a lecture on the anal vector on system-vector psychology. Moreover, this lecture is absolutely free and available to everyone. To gain access to it, just register or click on this banner:

This training takes place online and is available to absolutely everyone anywhere in the world. Introductory lectures on the skin and anal vector are free of charge, all the rest - 10-12 lectures on other vectors, are served on a paid basis. Additional material recommended after completing the training, you can draw on the articles of specialists who also completed this course and are practicing life, working every day to deepen their knowledge. To regularly receive their articles, subscribe to our newsletter in the form below - in each issue we try to find a lot of material for our readers on a variety of topics.

Resentment is familiar to us from childhood. Some are offended more, others less. And how much she destroyed relationships, families, but what can I say, destinies. It is terrible because it eats a person from the inside.

From here arise serious diseases, physical and psychological. Therefore, you need to be able to forgive.

What is resentment?

Resentment in psychology is the response of an offended person to an act of another person that is unacceptable for her. It causes a feeling of hostility, you can get rid of it, the main thing is that it does not develop into constant resentment.

Some people do not hold grudges, they splash out bad emotions on others. Others, on the contrary, close in themselves and carry them deep inside, not showing them to anyone. They smile despite adversity. But this is fraught with dire consequences.

As a rule, this leads to deep depression. Again, if it concerns a single offense, the matter is not so bad, but systematic resentment is already a big problem. This is what the psychology of resentment tells about.

What characterizes this emotion

It carries a powerful destructive force. As a result, health and relationships deteriorate.

The main components of resentment:

Severe mental pain. Occurs in response to an unfair attitude towards the individual.
Feeling of betrayal. The offended person says that he never expected this.
The perception of the unfair actions of another individual in relation to the offender, based purely on the results of one's own observation and analysis. That is, his pay for the same job is higher than mine, or his parents love his younger brother more, etc.
A long-term experience, and for some subjects it can stick forever.
It can cause a break in strong family relationships. If this is a childish resentment that was left unaddressed within the child, then it can subsequently result in a deep interpersonal conflict with the parents.
The ability to stay deep in the soul. Often a person is not able to admit that he is offended, which makes him even more unhappy.
Feeling that the situation is unrecoverable.
Consciousness blockage. An offended person is not able to give an objective assessment of what is happening.
May provoke a state of affect.

It is obvious that resentment entails very serious consequences. This is the loss of the meaning of life, apathy and even suicidal thoughts.

But it is worth noting that you can only be offended by a close or dear person. A stranger can only offend.

People get offended in different ways

Before discussing this issue, it is necessary to understand why it is very easy to offend some people, while others are difficult. The bottom line is that everyone gets offended differently. Some have many pronounced vulnerabilities, others have fewer and are hidden. It often happens that you can offend unknowingly, hitting a nerve. And it may seem that a person is very touchy, but in fact it is not.

Causes of resentment

There are three main sources:

Conscious manipulation. This is the deliberate bulging of resentment in order to get what you want, as well as to cause guilt in another.
Inability to forgive. This is unconscious manipulation, which is the cause of most resentment. A person does not understand what and why he was offended, but he knows how to make amends for another.
Failed expectations. Everything is simple here. Let's say a woman wants an expensive gift, but gets a teddy bear, or when you rely on the help of close friends, but she is not.

More often offended with disabilities are people who are in a state of stress, quarrels, depression, as well as those who love and feel sorry for themselves.

So, what is resentment in psychology? This is a monstrous feeling of annoyance that arises from the sudden actions of a person. That is why the phrase is often heard that this could not be expected from him. But if you learn to recognize people right away, then there will be no place for resentment. After all, when a certain situation happens, the actions you expect will happen, it will not be a shame.

We figured out what resentment is in psychology. How to get rid of it? Read more about it.

Resentment in psychology: how to get rid of

These tips will help you get over your bad feelings.

We must learn to respond adequately to any unforeseen negative situation, turn on the mind, and not be guided only by emotions.

You need to find the root of the resentment. People often think about why they were treated this way, but one should ask another question, what causes irritability so quickly. You need to deal with your emotions, engage in self-improvement.

You can not hide behind carelessness and joy. Because by deceiving others, you drive resentment deep into the subconscious. What causes depression and poor emotional state.

Don't be afraid to talk about your feelings. Share experiences. This will help to rethink the lived situation, get rid of resentment, and possibly prevent the appearance of unpleasant moments.

You can’t fit people into one frame, placing high hopes, because everyone is completely different, with an individual character and perception. You don't have to be treated well and loved by everyone. Everyone cannot be liked. By learning this truth, many hurtful situations can be avoided.

When intentionally trying to offend you, you do not need to show a reaction. And next time the person will not do it.

You can’t accumulate this feeling in yourself, otherwise, when the insult goes beyond the edges, quarrels, scandals and even partings begin. It is necessary to resolve all the nuances as they arise.

You need to be able to forgive and let go of people from your life who constantly and intentionally offend you.

Do self-analysis. The reason may be hidden behind your fatigue and irritability, overexertion, old spiritual wounds.

If it is difficult to cope with this problem on your own, it would be right to contact a specialist for help.

Everything shows that it is possible to overcome resentment, the main thing is to turn on the mind and act quickly.

There is another good practical method that will help get rid of resentment. He is very simple. It is necessary to take a pen and a sheet of paper and write a letter of appeal to the offender. Do not restrain yourself in statements, because no one will read it. After that, you need to be in silence alone with yourself, rethink the situation, it will immediately become easier. Splashing negative emotions on paper is a great way to release anger.

Psychology: resentment for everyone

As a rule, it appears in tandem with guilt. Some are offended by something, others, feeling remorse, pleasing everyone, are trying to correct a past mistake.

Before moving on to discussing the offenses of men (in psychology), let's figure out why people are offended.

They fall into three main categories:

people living in the past;
overly emotional;
vindictive.

People living in the past run the risk of getting a complex from a long-standing resentment. Suppose a man who harbored a grudge against one woman in his youth will experience a similar feeling towards the rest throughout his life.

People of the second type are able to embellish the situation, exaggerate the offense. And the most difficult thing is that it is almost impossible to convince such a person that the problem is far-fetched.

Resentful people are terrible because they have been nurturing and trying to implement a plan of revenge for a long time.

Thus, we smoothly moved on to the next question.

Psychology of male insults

It is difficult for the representatives of the stronger sex to admit their own weaknesses. Therefore, they do not give direct answers to questions, in every possible way they leave them or speak evasively.

The ability to disguise resentment well makes it possible. But men are offended.

Consider the reasons:

The manner of speaking. Excessive straightforwardness and harshness can not only offend, but even push away from you.
You must always be correct. In anger and process, you can’t hurt a man for a sore spot. For example, if he is worried because of the low salary, you should not reproach him for this. No need to criticize his masculinity.
Men, as a rule, do not talk about the lack of love and affection. And perhaps resentment is a manipulation to get attention. You need to engage in self-analysis to avoid such a situation.
A person can be very emotional and impulsive. Everything is sharply perceived, obsessing over trifles. In this case, it is necessary to understand that with age, they must be accepted as such.
Inflated self-esteem can lead to resentment. When parents from early childhood praised their son, extolled to heaven, and then the wife expresses her displeasure, the husband will not tolerate this. He does not understand this attitude and is not used to it.

You need to understand that men are straightforward. They either tell the truth or just keep silent. After hard-hitting statements he can withdraw into himself. But this will not indicate resentment. Thus he withdraws and calms down, reflects, after which he will come and apologize.

Much more difficult is the case with resentment of children against their parents.

Children's grievances

Until the age of five, they are offended by any prohibition of their parents. At this stage, the kids believe that everything is created for them and belongs only to them. Growing up, the child will begin to understand that he is not alone in the world, and there will be much less resentment.

From five to twelve years conscious. And their desires must be listened to, because this can become a source of deep problems and misunderstanding.

Childish resentment (in psychology, it is considered so) entails anger, rage, a desire for revenge, and disappointment. This is difficult to deal with, so there are various psychological problems which can affect a child's life.

They need to be taught to forgive in early childhood in order to avoid big problems in adulthood.

How to help your child deal with resentment

Resentment and forgiveness of parents by children in psychology is vital important question. The main thing that adults should know is that one cannot ignore the grievances of their child. If the baby extorts another toy, you should not leave, ignoring his cry. You need to explain why you can't buy it.

When a child closes in on himself, this is an alarm signal. It must be brought out of this state by any means. Take a walk, watch a cartoon together, and then be sure to return to this situation and figure out what caused it.

Everything needs to be discussed with the child. It is impossible to hush up and simply punish. It is necessary to break the system: resentment - anger - the desire to take revenge.

In addition to resentment, forgiveness in psychology is an equally significant moment. Forgiveness is the most important thing a parent should teach a child. Any methods are suitable for this: reading books, watching cartoons, singing, dancing. The main thing is that the child does not accumulate negative emotions in himself. Let him not be able to forgive his offender to the end, but if there is no desire to take revenge, this is already half the battle. There is a lot of beauty in life, and it is necessary to show and focus on this.

But resentment (in psychology it is considered so) is not always a bad feeling. It helps you look at yourself from the outside. See those character traits that need to be improved. After all, resentment can arise due to chronic fatigue, driven out, this is an invitation to change and relaxation.

How to forgive an offense

We dealt with the concept of resentment in psychology, learned how negatively and destructively it affects a person. After all, an offended person cannot function normally and simply enjoy life.

But it is not enough to understand what resentment is in psychology. How to deal with it? A frequently asked question that we will try to answer.

Here are some tips from psychologists on how to forgive an offense.

You need to calm down and soberly assess the situation, imagine what life will be like if you continue to be offended further. Such is the psychology of people - resentment has a crushing power.

It is worth analyzing in writing what led to this situation. What offended you, what sore spots did the opponent put pressure on, because in this way he pointed to your weaknesses.

We need to start with forgiveness. Repeat the phrase "I release myself from resentment" many times, and it will really become easier. The most terrible insult (in psychology, it is considered so) is against the mother, who interferes with building her own happy family. It is important to understand that she gave you life and forgive her.

Fight resentment with a sense of humor. The ability to laugh at yourself will help you to endure troubles more easily.

To overcome resentment, in psychology you can find such advice: often people offend others unconsciously, perhaps this is your case. No two people are the same, everyone perceives what is done and what is said in their own way. But in order to clarify the situation, you can bring the offender to a conversation and place all the accents, find out his intentions and speak out yourself.

Everyone is capable of forgiveness. Letting go makes it much easier. This is a complex process, at first it will be difficult, but then it will come to automatism.

Resentment and self-defense (as it is considered in psychology) are closely related. Resentment is a certain degree of self-defense, thanks to which the offended person evokes special attention, a feeling of compassion, pity, thereby showing his "I".

This is a psychological reaction of a person, the purpose of which is to influence the opponent. It arises due to the fact that the expected does not coincide with reality.

Components of resentment

How are grievances and expectations related in psychology? To understand this issue, you need to consider three components:

Building the expected result. A person mentally draws the outcome of the upcoming event. But, unfortunately, it does not always coincide with the desired. People are different, with their own worldview. All problems have one source - the inability to speak. Instead of silently waiting for the implementation of the plan according to your own scenario, it is better to talk with the person, find out his wishes and learn about his upcoming actions. And if there is love and respect, this act will not look like manipulation.
Observation. It is necessary not just to look, you need to think about your expectations, while perceiving the behavior of another person, evaluate and criticize.
Comparing expectations with reality. You won't always get what you want in the end. That is why resentment arises. The more inconsistencies, the stronger it will be. You can not impose your point of view on a stranger, he has the right to act as he wants. It is necessary to make it a rule that you need to rely only on yourself. If expectations are not met, solve the problem by talking about it.

Do not bring to insults, they need to be warned. And it is better, of course, at all, it is difficult, but it is quite possible.

Even this feeling has its positive sides.

The benefit is expressed as follows:

Our weaknesses are revealed. You have to get to the source of the resentment.
In the event of a break, resentment acts as an anesthetic. Self-pity, anger and rage help to quickly get rid of memories, give strength to move forward, leave everything in the past.
Resentment allows you to splash out bad emotions. Sometimes sorting out the relationship is even helpful.

And one more interesting fact. More often offended people are obtained from Because they got what they wanted. Because of this, they developed two shortcomings: the belief that everyone around them owes them, and the inability to work.

Therefore, resentment must be eradicated from early childhood. Get rid of it in a timely manner, because it can cause physical and psychological illness.

Resentment has two meanings. On the one hand, this is an unjust action that has been inflicted on a person and upset him. On the other hand, a complex feeling consisting of anger at the offender and self-pity. The article tells how resentment arises and how to overcome it.

The content of the article:

Resentment is a natural defensive reaction caused in response to unfairly inflicted insults, grief, as well as negative emotions received as a result. It can be caused by both close, familiar people, as well as teachers, work colleagues and even strangers. It appears for the first time at the age of 2 to 5 years, when the realization of justice comes. Until that time, the child expresses feelings through anger. In fact, this is the result of brain activity, expressed in the analysis of the chain "expectation - observation - comparison". It is important to learn how to deal with resentment so as not to accumulate negative emotions in yourself.

Characteristics of resentment

Resentment is characterized by a powerful emotional charge. It always has consequences and negatively affects the dynamics of relationships with others. This is clearly seen from the speech turns “holding a grudge”, “offensive to tears”, “I can’t step over my resentment”, “I don’t see anything around because of resentment”, “mortal resentment”.

The main characteristics of the feeling of resentment:

Causes severe emotional pain. This is a defensive reaction to an action that a person considers unfair to himself.
Accompanied by a sense of betrayal. The offended often says: "I never expected this from you."
Occurs against a background of deceived trust or unjustified expectations. That is, he didn’t get what he expected: they didn’t give him, he deceived him, he was not described as positively as he would have liked, etc.
The actions of the other are perceived as unfair. Based on the results of his own observations and comparisons with a similar situation among others: he was given more, the salary for similar work is higher, the mother loves another child more, and so on. Moreover, this is not always true.
experienced long time. In some cases, it remains relative to the object forever.
It can cause a break in relations or their deterioration in case of an unworked situation. Even long-term family ties, hidden resentment can destroy. Regarding childhood experiences, an unprocessed feeling can result in the aggressive behavior of a teenager, an unwillingness to communicate with parents after reaching the age of majority, and so on.
Pointed inward. Often, the offended cannot frankly admit what he was offended by. Therefore, emotions remain deep inside, which makes a person even more unhappy.
Accompanied by a sense of irreparability of what happened. It is especially characteristic of impressionable children: “Vovka called me names in front of friends. The world has collapsed! I won't be able to talk to them anymore."
It is characterized by a state of narrowed consciousness. In a state of resentment, a person cannot objectively assess what is happening.
Affect. Can provoke aggressive actions. Immediate or delayed.

You can only be offended by loved ones. A person with whom there is no relationship or they are superficial cannot offend. A stranger can only offend. We need well-established connections, a certain approximate distance, a built-in system of expectations and a sufficient level of trust.

In some cases, strong resentment is accompanied by a loss of life support up to the emergence of a desire to die. The victim falls into depression, experiences the phenomena of loss of the meaning of life, interests and desires. Apathy appears. There are suicidal thoughts and desires.

A life-threatening situation arises when a solitary person with few social connections is hurt; offended - someone very close and significant, some complex basic expectations, hopes for the future were associated with him; the cause of resentment affects vital areas or aspects of the personality.

Psychosomatics of the emergence of feelings of resentment

It is believed that resentment refers to acquired feelings. A baby can be happy, angry, upset immediately after birth, but he learns to be offended later. He adopts this form of behavior from parents or other children aged 2-5 years. However, recent data show that children may experience this feeling earlier. Psychologists-practitioners, who have observed their babies from birth, recorded a sense of resentment in infants.

The psychosomatics of resentment is very broad. This feeling can kill or provoke a serious illness, up to cancer or a heart attack.

The fact is that the aggressive component of resentment is most often directed inward and is very difficult to get rid of. Aggression has a high intensity of experience. These are hormones. This is an excess of adrenaline that does not find a way out of the body and seethes inside a person, hitting weak spots.

Men, unfortunately, are not as strong emotionally as women. It is more difficult for them to respond to their offense. They cannot pronounce it in chatter with girlfriends and suffer more. For example, a father invested himself in his daughter, and she disappointed him with her behavior. As a result, the irreparability of what happened provokes a heart attack or even cancer.

Women's health is also highly dependent on mental well-being. During the examination, the gynecologist always asks if there are any conflicts with her husband. This is not idle curiosity. Conflicts and resentment against a loved one are postponed by cysts, fibroids, mastopathy and other gynecological problems.

Psychologists who study the relationship of women's grief with women's health argue that the bitterness of communicating with loved ones in women is localized in certain places:

Breast, uterus, cervix - resentment against her husband. Since these are reproductive organs, it is they who perceive all the negative emotions of family life. Sometimes the result of unspoken experiences, stress and problems in the family can be a diagnosis of "Infertility of undiagnosed etiology." That is, the feeling of resentment was so strongly entrenched in the mind of the girl that the body found a way out for itself in order to prohibit having offspring in these relationships. Only a psychologist can help.
Left ovary - resentment against the mother. Perhaps the reason here lies in the close relationship between mother and daughter. You can also say that the heart is located on the left. Therefore, the feeling receives a response in this organ.
Right ovary - resentment against the father. It is here that there is a sense of resentment against the dearest man, who is obliged to protect and support from the cradle.

The more offended a woman is, the more more degree damage to certain organs. In mild cases, it can be a rapidly passing inflammation, in severe cases it comes to surgical intervention. The situation becomes especially sad if mental pain is hidden from others, not spoken out, or even forced out into the subconscious.

At first glance, the main locus of feeling is directed inside the person. Resentment is associated with strong emotional pain, and it seems to us that this is her main point. But a careful analysis shows that this is not entirely true.

The main components of the structure of feeling are anger and impotence. The latter occurs because the event has happened, and nothing can be changed. Anger is directed at the person who offended us. It is due to the fact that expectations were not met. For example, we give someone a gift, we expect that person will be delighted and will actively use it. And in response, indifference or even a negative assessment.

It is in this place that resentment arises: powerlessness to change anything and anger. At the same time, we often do not have the opportunity to express it, as we will show our weakness or overstep the bounds of decency. Therefore, anger does not go out, but turns inward and seethes there for a short or long time.

The main types of feelings of resentment

It is necessary to distinguish the actual offense from the mental one. It is mental resentment that can destroy relationships and a person’s life year after year, without giving him any chance for happiness. The mental character of feeling is the attachment of a basic sense of unhappiness, acquired in early childhood, to all subsequent relationships. A person seems to consider each of his conflicts or misunderstandings with others through a magnifying glass of old traumas. Therefore, even a minor misunderstanding is perceived as a mortal insult, and the relationship goes downhill.

Women's resentment against men

Women's grievances stand apart and give rise to a whole range of personal, family and parent-child problems. A girl, a woman is a weak and defenseless creature. In many cases, she simply cannot adequately respond to the offender, as she is completely dependent on him.

The danger of female resentment lies in its ability to poison the entire space around for many years to come. And to find the ends, the reasons in such cases can be extremely difficult.

Resentment against a husband may be the result of childhood trauma. Father did not support, was indifferent, criticized, plucked evil. The expectations of the girl from the figure of the father, supporting and protecting, did not materialize. There was a mental (basic) resentment. This feeling, it seems, should not be transferred to the husband, this is a different person, but it turns out differently.

In any tense situation, basic bitterness joins momentary discontent, and resentment against a loved one grows to cosmic proportions. It seems to a woman that her husband does not love her, specially offends her, does it out of spite, does not appreciate, and she scandalizes more and more. In such situations, men most often run away, but this is not the end of the story.

The next husband comes, then another, but everything ends according to one scenario. In the end, the unfortunate woman concludes that all men are goats, and begins to ignore the stronger sex. Some come to this conclusion after the first time and never enter into a relationship again.

But the situation becomes especially threatening if the offended woman has a male child. On the surface, she seems to love him and scratch out her eyes for him, but an internal veiled resentment against a man makes her mother press the baby almost from childhood. She always finds a reason: not careful enough, not attentive enough, made a Skoda, came at the wrong time, etc. The result can even turn out to be a maniac.

Male resentment against women

Boys are very vulnerable. They are less able to endure conflicts, as they are unable to show emotions, express them with tears, or speak openly. After all, their society teaches them from childhood that “Only girls cry”, “Be a man, otherwise you dismissed the nurses.”

The result of this is the negative emotions accumulated over the years, which find a response in problems with others, distrust of people in general. For instance:

If the mother is to blame. Usually, difficulties arise in men with a strong-willed and tough mother. She controls every step, it is difficult to get affection and attention from her. Usually such mothers are careerists who gave birth "so that like all people" and do not accept active participation in the life of a son, limiting himself to cuffs for bad marks and misbehavior. Or, on the contrary, those who believe that "I gave my whole life to him." Such mothers simply have nowhere else to direct their emotions, except to the child. It can be divorced, abandoned or devoted ladies. They constantly control, blackmail even adult sons. Usually it is extremely difficult for such children to build their own destiny, because they do not want to upset or offend their mother. And she, in turn, does not see a suitable couple for her beloved son. As a result, an adult man remains offended for life and may even die alone, never finding a woman who can please his mother.
If the first love is to blame, the wife. Resentment from the first relationship, betrayal can be reflected in any subsequent ones. As in the case of women, men begin to look for a catch in new relationships, do not trust a partner and wait for them to be stabbed in the back. Usually, if such a person marries, he becomes a terrible jealous, harassing his wife with suspicions, albeit completely groundless.
If the daughter or son is to blame. As mentioned above, even resentment for unfulfilled dreams regarding your child can bring the offended person to oncology. Most often, this condition affects emotional men who devoted a lot of time to their children and did not expect that they could become different than they were in their dreams.

Positive and negative manifestations of resentment

The feeling of resentment is part of the structure of our emotionality and cannot be good or bad by definition. It simply exists as a normal reaction of the psyche to unpleasant influences. But psychologists do not welcome resentment as a character trait and in every possible way recommend getting rid of it.

A person who is offended all the time, tragically silent (man), capriciously blowing his lips (woman), do not demonstrate their true emotions. Resentment is used by them to manipulate others. By demonstrating their resentment and discontent, they try to control their loved ones.

The mechanism of the destructive effect of resentment is most clearly seen in the mothers of elderly bachelors. Every time sons try to arrange their personal lives, such mothers fall into prostration. No, they do not make scandals, but their appearance expresses all the sorrow of the world, and the sons surrender.

Resentment simplifies the life of its owner, but spoils the health of others. It is much easier to play on the guilt of people close to you than to try to negotiate with them. The tactics of such manipulation has great opportunities for control, but there is no need to talk about spiritual closeness, respect, mutual understanding, contact in the family. Touchy people are feared and feared. They communicate with them through force, rather out of a sense of duty, and not out of love.

In fact, resentment brings enormous benefits, which are expressed in the following:

They show our weaknesses. You should never let go of this feeling from yourself without understanding what it signals. For example, a cheerful conversation between a partner and a friend caused strong resentment and wild jealousy. By digging inside yourself, you can find that the negative reaction is rooted in childhood, where your parents preferred you to a brother or sister. You need to work on the old childhood trauma, and then the usual friendly conversation will not cause such painful experiences.
In the event of the end of a relationship, the benefits of resentment in anesthetic properties. The gap is accompanied by a whole bunch of unpleasant things. Longing for another person, lack of communication with him - this is extremely difficult to endure. But anger and self-pity help, as it were, to move away from someone who has been an important part of life for a long time. You have the strength to turn the page and move on.
Resentment helps to get rid of negative emotions. It lifts all the emotional slag from the soul and brings it out. In addition, it is even useful to sort things out from time to time. As noted above, "small bowls" are better than years of accumulated discontent.

How to get rid of feelings of resentment

Figuring out how to overcome negative feelings is not easy at all. Psychologists-practitioners offer numerous recommendations, but they either do not work in a state of emotional outburst, or are difficult for non-specialists to use. However, it is impossible to live in a state of strong mental anguish for a long time. Therefore, you need to choose from a variety of tips the one that is more or less suitable, and use it.

Ways to get rid of resentment:

Don't hoard yourself. In one legend, a sage advises to use a "small bowl" for misunderstandings with people. That is, do not accumulate your dissatisfaction to unbearable proportions, when the matter ends with a surge of emotions, a scandal or a break in relations, but find out all the moments that are classified as unfair, right away.
Let go of the situation, accept everything as it is. Resentment is always the result of our unjustified expectations. They are generated by dreams, desires and our ideas about the other. The person is not to blame that we came up with character traits that he does not have. Moreover, it is not his fault that he does not have telepathy and does not guess our desires. Awareness of this fact helps to reduce the degree of our discontent and colors the problem in a completely different way.
Be sure to speak out. Negative emotions go away through words. Contact your friends, girlfriends, psychologist, priest, call the helpline. The main thing is not to carry negativity in yourself.
Dealing with a partner. Take courage and break the silence. Explain your feelings to the offender and make a claim. Most likely, he will be surprised and annoyed. Even if you were offended on purpose, they are unlikely to admit it. Most often, people feel extremely uncomfortable and apologize.
Forgive and let go. If you see that someone purposefully constantly offends you, think about it, do you really need this person? loving people take good care of partners. They may hurt unintentionally. But, if the situation repeats itself for a long time, you may be dealing with an energy vampire. These types of personalities feed on someone else's pain. You can't change them. The only way out is to leave.
Introspection. Try to understand whether it was this person who offended you, or your strong reaction lies in past troubles. Perhaps overwork, nervous strain or old injuries are to blame. Then you need to apologize, not to someone in front of you.
Help from outside. If you can’t cope with painful experiences on your own, a psychologist will tell you how to let go of resentment. A specialist is not cheap, but our well-being, love, relationships are priceless. Moreover, the body's response to a feeling can be not only a temporary disorder, but a broken life and lost health.

How to let go of resentment - look at the video:

Thus, resentment is a complex psycho-emotional state that all people face without exception. It is important to get rid of it in a timely manner and not carry it around for years. It is harmful to our mental and physical health.

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If you notice that in a relationship, either you or your partner constantly began to experience this feeling, then most likely the problem is somewhere deeper. We can react violently to some minor flaws (dirty plate on the table or lunch not cooked on time), however the root of the problem will be one - unmet expectations. And this is what we need to work with, instead of once again making a scandal because of scattered socks.

Resentment helps to deal with the situation

This point follows smoothly from the previous one. You noticed that you began to take offense often, and realized that something was wrong. We begin to understand the situation. What caused you such a reaction? Why are you offended? Maybe the person didn’t want to hurt you and you yourself “took fire on yourself”? Anyway Dealing constructively with resentment is already much easier for yourself The main thing is to be honest with yourself.

Resentment helps to get rid of toxic relationships

A normal person does not like to be in negative emotions. That's we, in order to avoid resentment, begin to think about “preventive measures”. For example, we precisely discuss what we want to get in the end, we express our thoughts more clearly in order to avoid misunderstandings, etc. This avoidance of resentment is constructive and saves us from unnecessary worries.

Resentment at work allows us to understand that we are being treated unfairly and we need to restore our rights

The most important thing that gives us resentment is forgiveness.. We will not get away from experiencing even negative emotions, so the only thing we can do about it is to understand why they arise and forgive the offender. Of course, it is quite difficult to step over serious grievances, but, as Nelson Mandela said, “To be offended and indignant is like drinking poison in the hope that it will kill your enemies.” Remember that we are not offended, but we are offended, and in order to forgive your offender, it is enough to take his place and think about why he offended you. Maybe this was not the purpose of his behavior, and if they specifically wanted to offend us, then it makes no sense to waste your energy on communicating with such a person. Forgiving and forgetting conflict situation we make our lives fuller and more positive.

Maybe you have your own options for how to forgive the offender? Share with us in the comments.