Mark Goulston I can see right through you. “I can hear right through you

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form whatsoever without the written permission of the copyright holders.

Legal support of the publishing house is provided by the law firm "VegasLex"

© Mark Goulston, 2009. Published by AMACOM, a division of the American Management Association, International, New York. All rights reserved.

© Translation into Russian, edition in Russian, design. LLC "Mann, Ivanov and Ferber", 2010

This book is well complemented by:

Radislav Gandapas"Kamasutra for an orator"

Stuart Diamond"Negotiations that work"

Stephanie Palmer"I came, I saw, I convinced"

Kerry Patterson, Joseph Granny, Ron Macmillan, Al Switzler"Key negotiations"

Warren Bennis, teacher and friend.

It was thanks to you that I realized that if you listen carefully to people, try to understand what exactly they want, and help them to the best of their ability, they will allow themselves to be persuaded to do almost anything.

In memory of Edwin Schneidman, pioneer in research and suicide prevention, founder of the Los Angeles Suicide Prevention Center, and my respected mentor.

“If you listen, you can always hear the pain, fear, suffering, hopes and dreams of others. And if people feel that you are listening and understanding, they will open their minds and hearts to you ”(Edwin Schneidman).

To my readers.

Glad to be able to give you these important lessons.

Foreword

Executives, CEOs and sales managers often say, "Talking to this person is like banging your forehead against a stone wall."

When I hear this, I say, “Stop it. Look for the weakest stone in this wall. " Find this "stone" - what a person really needs from you, and you will be able to overcome the highest barriers and communicate with people in a way that you could not even dream of before.

These thoughts lead me to my friend and colleague Mark Goulston. Mark has an almost magical ability to win anyone over to his side: CEOs, managers, clients, patients, their families, and even hostage-takers, because he always finds a “weak stone”. Mark is a real genius at dealing with the most uncommunicative people, and in this book you will find all the secrets of how he succeeds.

I met Mark thanks to his books Get Out of Your own Way and Get Out of Your Own Way at Work. His books, his work and, more importantly, Mark himself impressed me so much that I made sure that we became business partners. Mark is now one of Ferrazzi Greenlight's intellectual leaders and my trusted advisor. Having watched him work for a long time, I can explain why everyone - from the FBI to Oprah Winfrey - goes by ear when Mark talks about how to convince people - his methods are so simple and effective.

And by the way, do not focus on the fact that Mark is a psychiatrist. Besides that, he is also one of the best business communicators I have ever met. Take him to an office where everyone is at war with everyone, or to a sales department that cannot get the attention of customers, and Mark will solve the problem quickly and in a way that benefits everyone.

If you want to do the same, you won't find a better teacher than Mark. He is brilliant, cheerful, kind, captivating person, and his stories - from stories about uninvited Sunday guests to speeches of high-ranking politicians - can not only entertain you, but also change your life. So enjoy yourself and start using your new skills to turn impossible, uncommunicative, rebellious people into your allies, loyal clients, loyal colleagues and friends.

Kate Ferrazzi

Part one
The secrets of persuasion

Some lucky people seem to possess a magic wand when it comes to persuading other people to take part in their plans, in achieving their goals and fulfilling their desires. But in reality, persuading people is not magic. This is art ... and science. And it's easier than you think.

Who is holding you hostage?

Good governance is the art of making problems so interesting and solutions so constructive that everyone wants to get involved.

Paul Hawken. "Natural capitalism"

There are always people in your life whom you need to convince of something. If this fails, you lose your temper. This could be someone at work - a subordinate, a member of your team, a client, or a boss. Or someone close to you - a spouse, parent, child, or an embittered "ex."

You have tried everything: logic, belief, strength, pleading, anger - but each time it was like hitting a wall. You lose your head, scared or disappointed and think: "What will happen next?"

I would like you to think of this situation as a hostage taking. Why? Because you cannot be free. You are captured because of resistance, fear, apathy, stubbornness, selfishness, or the desires of another person, and also because of your own inability to take effective action.

It is at this moment that I appear.

I AM a common person- husband, father, doctor. But quite a long time ago I discovered a special talent in myself. You can throw me in any situation - and I can convince people. I can convince tough leaders and angry workers that they must collaborate to solve problems. I will be able to gain attention from broken families and couples who have come to hate each other. I can even change the minds of people who have taken hostages or are on the verge of suicide.

I was not sure at first that I was doing something different from what everyone else is doing, but I had no doubt that it worked. I knew that I was not smarter than others, but I knew that this success was not just luck: my approach always worked, with absolutely different types people in absolutely different situations... I was not clear only one thing: why does it work?

Analyzing my methods, I found the answer. It turned out that I had come across a simple set of techniques (some I discovered myself, and some I borrowed from my teachers and colleagues) that ensured success. The common feature of these techniques was that they attracted people to me, even if they tried to distance themselves from me.

To understand this, imagine that you have to drive your car up a steep hill. If you try to do it on high speed, the wheels will slip, and the car will not obey the steering wheel. But you just have to downshift and you have complete control. You seem to be pulling the road towards you.

Most people, when trying to convince others, turn up gears. They convince. They push. They are arguing. And thus they create resistance. If you start using the techniques I suggest, you will get the exact opposite - you will listen, ask, repeat and mirror what you heard. When you do this, your opponents will understand that they are seen, understood and felt. And that unexpected downshift will bring them to you.

The powerful techniques you'll learn about in this book can shift people's opinions from no to yes easily and quickly, often in minutes. I use these techniques every day — to help couples on the brink of divorce, companies on the brink of bankruptcy, management teams unable to collaborate effectively, and salespeople to help them make “impossible” sales. I use them to help FBI agents and negotiators succeed in the most difficult situations when it comes to life and death.

In fact, as you will see later, you have a lot in common with negotiators when it comes to reaching out to people who don't want to listen to you. This is why the book begins with Frank's story.

Frank is sitting in the car in the parking lot near a large shopping center... There is no one around him because he has the muzzle of a shotgun at his throat. Spetsnaz and a team of negotiators have already been called. The SWAT team arrives and is positioned behind the vehicles, trying not to catch Frank's eyes.

While they are waiting for the negotiators, information about Frank is being collected. He is a little over thirty, worked in the customer service department of a large electronics store, but six months ago he lost his job due to the fact that he was rude to customers and colleagues and even shouted. Frank went through several interviews looking for a job, but never found one. He has a wife and two small children, and there were often scandals in the house.

A month ago, the wife took the children and went to her parents in another city, saying that she needed to take a break in the relationship, and he should think about his behavior. At the same time, Frank is kicked out of the apartment because he could not pay the rent. He moves to a squalid room in a poor area of ​​the city, ceases to take care of himself, wash and shave, and eats almost nothing. The last straw is the demand to vacate this room, which was presented to him the day before.

The chief negotiator arrives. He walks up to Frank and says in a calm voice:

“Frank, I'm Lieutenant Evans. I want to talk with you. There is a way out of this situation, and no one will harm you. I know you think you have no choice, but in fact you do.

- What do you know about this shit ?! You are the same as everyone else. Leave me alone! Frank exclaims.

“I can't do this,” Lieutenant Evans tells him. “You're in the middle of a large parking lot with a shotgun at your throat, and I have to help you find another way out of this situation.

- Go to hell! I don't need anyone's help! - Frank retorts.

The conversation lasts almost an hour, with pauses that drag on for several minutes. As information becomes available about Frank, it becomes clear that he is not an inveterate villain, but simply a confused and desperate person. The special forces team is ready to neutralize him at any time if he threatens anyone else with his shotgun, but everyone present continues to hope for a peaceful resolution of the conflict. Nevertheless, the situation is rather difficult and the chances of success are slim.

An hour and a half later, another negotiator, Detective Kramer, arrives. He went through negotiation training that I do for the police and the FBI.

Detective Kramer has already been introduced to basic information about Frank and the progress of the negotiations. He offers Lieutenant Evans a new move:

- I ask you to tell this guy: “I’m sure you think that no one but you knows what it’s like when you tried all the options, and now you think that you have only one left, right?”

- What to say? Evans asks.

Kramer repeats:

“It’s this:“ I’m sure you think that no one but you knows what it’s like when you tried all the options, and now you think that you have only one left, right? ”

Evans agrees, says these words to Frank, and he replies with a question:

- What do you want to hear from me?

Evans repeats the phrase, and this time Frank replies:

- Yes, you're right, no one knows how to live in such a situation!

Kramer addresses Evans:

“Okay, you got one yes, you need to continue,” and suggests asking the following question: “I’m sure you feel that no one knows what it’s like to start every day with the thought that everything will go wrong again. I would like to, right? "

- Yes, every damn day the same thing happens! - Frank answers.

Kramer asks Evans to repeat what he has just heard and get additional confirmation:

- And since no one knows how hard it is, and no one cares, and everything is not going as we would like, you are now sitting in your car with a weapon and with a desire to stop it all, right?

- Tell me more. What exactly happened to you? When in last time everything was all right in your life and what happened next? Evans suggests.

Frank begins to remember what happened to him after being fired.

When he pauses, Evans says:

- I see ... Tell me more ...

Frank goes on to describe his problems. At some point, with a hint from Kramer, Evans says:

- And because of all this you got angry? Or disappointed? Or have you lost confidence in yourself? Or lost hope? Tell me exactly how you felt?

Evans waits for Frank to choose the word that best describes his feelings.

“I'm tired of everything,” Frank says finally.

- So you felt that you were tired of everything, and the demand for eviction was a turning point? - asks Evans.

With just a few sentences, Frank went from a complete rejection of communication to a willingness to listen and speak. What happened? The most important stage of persuasion has begun, which I call "retraction." The stage at which a person moves from resistance to readiness to first listen, and then to comprehending what has been said.

What made Frank start listening and getting involved in Lieutenant Evans' words? This shift was not accidental, was it? The secret is to voice exactly what Frank was thinking but not saying out loud. And when the lieutenant's words became in tune with Frank's thoughts, he got involved in the conversation and began to say "yes."

The cycle of persuasion

You may never have to find yourself in the situations faced by police and special forces negotiators. But don't you also have to convince someone of something every day?

The answer is almost everyone you meet. Almost all acts of communication are attempts to get people to do something different from what they have done before. Perhaps you are trying to sell or explain something to them. Or maybe you want to impress them, for example, to convince them that you are the best candidate for the job or promotion.

This is the main problem. All people have their own needs, desires, plans and secrets that they want to hide from you. They are stressed, very busy and often feel like they are not doing well. To overcome stress and a sense of danger, they erect mental barricades that make communication difficult. These people are in opposition to you and make communication almost impossible, even if they share your goals.

You come to them with your arguments and reasons or resort to arguments, or rewards, or requests, hoping to establish contact, and more often than not you get nothing. Instead of understanding, you are thrown aside, and you cannot understand why this is happening. Think of how many times you walked away from a failed customer, from an office meeting, or from a friend with whom you argued, shaking your head and saying to yourself, "Damn what happened?"

The good news is that you can connect with anyone. To do this, you just need to change your approach. The techniques I describe in this book work for negotiators in emergency situations but they also apply to your conversation with your boss, coworker, client, spouse, or even your child. They are simple and you can use them in any situation and at any time.

These techniques work because they address the very foundation of successful communication, what I call cycle of persuasion(see fig. 1.1). The persuasion cycle was inspired by the ideas of James Prochazka and Carlo Di Clemente, published in the book Transtheoretical Model of Change, and the work of William Miller and Steve Rolnik, Motivational interviewing.

Rice. 1.1. The cycle of persuasion

The persuasion process takes place in stages. To lead people from the beginning to the end of the persuasion cycle, you must talk to them in a way that will nudge them, move them forward.

- from resistance to listening

- from listening to thinking

- from deliberation to the desire to do

- from desire to do to action

- from the action to the feeling of joy from what was done and to the continuation of the action.

The center of attention is the main message and purpose of this book: "the secrets of how to be understood by absolutely everyone," in that you convince people, getting them to "buy", which occurs when a person moves from resistance to listening to what you speak.

It is especially interesting and important that the key to "buying" and to further movement of people through the cycle is not what you tell them, but what you force them to tell you, and what happens in their heads during this process ...

In the following chapters, I will outline nine basic rules and twelve fast technicians which you can use to move your persuasion cycle. Gain experience in applying them, and then you can connect them so that they work in any situation in your professional or personal life. These are the same concepts that I teach FBI agents and negotiators to build empathy, reduce conflict, and “buy” the desired solution. When you study them, you will no longer have to remain hostage to fear, anger, indifference or hidden plans of other people. You will have all the tools at your disposal to turn any situation in your favor.

In this book, you will find many options for dealing with any situation. This is explained by the fact that no matter how similar we are, no matter how we behave in a particular situation, each of us has his own view and his own approaches to everything in the world. The rules that I will discuss in part two are universal, but you can choose the techniques from parts three and four as you wish - so that they fit your personality type and lifestyle.

Secret: convincing is easy

There is nothing magical about the approaches discussed in these pages. One of the secrets you have to uncover is that convincing people is much easier than you think. To illustrate this, let me share with you the story of David, the CEO who, with the help of my techniques, completely turned his career around and saved his family at the same time.

David was a competent person in his field, but very difficult to communicate. His management style can be called dictatorial. His STO resigned, saying that he really liked the company, but he could not work with such a boss. It was obvious that in such conditions the employees of the company were working below their capabilities. Investors saw David as rude and arrogant, and he had a hard time finding the funds to grow the company.

I was invited by the board of directors to find out if the situation can be changed. After meeting with David, I had very serious doubts about this, but I was obliged to make an attempt to establish contact with him.

When we were talking about the management style, I suddenly asked:

- Do you communicate with your family in the same way?

“It's funny you asked about that,” he chuckled.

- Why? - I asked.

- My son is fifteen. He's a smart guy, but very lazy, and I can't do anything about him, although I've tried everything. The diary grades are bad, and my wife spoils him. I love him, but ... disappointed in him. We visited a psychologist with him, who said that he had some problems with concentration. The teachers tried to help him, but he didn't do anything that was asked of him. I know he's a nice guy, but I just have no idea what to do with him.

I insisted that David learn some simple communication techniques and asked him to test them at work and at home. We made an appointment in a week, but after three days I received a message from him: “Please call me as soon as possible. We have to talk".

I thought, "My God, what happened?" - called back and heard an agitated voice.

“Doctor,” David said, “I think you saved my life.

- What's happened? I asked.

“I did exactly what you told me to do,” he replied.

- Do you mean the board of directors and colleagues? How are you…

- No, I'm not talking about them, - David interrupted me, - I haven't talked to them yet. It's about my son. After our conversation, I returned home, went into his room and said that I needed to talk to him. I said, “I bet I know how you feel. You think that none of us knows what it feels like to be told that you are smart, but you cannot use your mind to get results. So?". And there were tears in his eyes - just as you said. I asked him the next question you suggested, ”continued David. - I said: “And I bet that sometimes you want not to be so smart that no one around you would expect good results, would not urge you on, would not require you to try, right? " He began to cry ... And tears welled up in my eyes too. And then I asked him: "Are you worried about all this?"

David continued in an almost whisper:

- The son could hardly speak. He said that it was getting worse and worse, and he did not know how much more he could endure. And that he disappoints and fails everyone and always.

When David said this, he himself did not hide his tears. "Why didn't you tell me that everything is so bad?" - he asked his son, and talked about what happened next with undisguised pain in his voice: - My son stopped crying and looked at me with anger and resentment that tormented him for many years. “Because you didn't want to know anything about it,” he replied. And he was right.

- I had no right to leave him at such a moment. I said, “We have to fix this. I'll move my laptop to your room and I'll be with you when you do your homework. I cannot leave you alone when you feel so bad. " We spent a few evenings together and I think the situation has started to change. David paused briefly. “You helped me get the bullet out, Doctor. What can I do for you?

“Do in your company what you did with your son,” I replied.

- That is?

“You gave your son the opportunity to blow off some steam,” I continued. “And when you did, he himself told what the problem was, and you did a great job. But there are many other people, from the council to the leadership team, who see you exactly as your son saw you, and they too need to blow off some steam and tell you where you are wrong about them.

David held two meetings, one with the board of directors and the other with the management team. He told each group about the same thing. And both groups tensed and prepared for another verbal whipping, when at first David emphatically announced that he had gathered everyone to say that he was very disappointed, but he continued with the words: “I am very upset that I pounced on everyone instead of listening, especially when you sincerely tried to protect our company and me from myself. I didn’t want to listen, but now I’m ready to do it. ”

David told colleagues and partners about his son and ended his speech with the words: “I ask you to give me another chance, because I think the situation can be corrected. If you want to express your opinion again, I will listen to you and with your help I will find ways to implement your ideas. "

The board of directors and management team not only decided to give David a second chance, but also greeted his words with applause.

What is the moral of this story? The fact that the right, the right words have tremendous healing power. In David's case, a few hundred words saved his job, his company, and his family.

But there is another lesson here. Compare the two stories in this chapter, and you will see that both Detective Kramer and David used the same approaches to achieve very different goals. Kramer kept the man from committing suicide, and David not only escaped being fired and thereby saved the company from collapse, but also saved the family. The effectiveness of these techniques, as well as those for you to learn, is that they can be applied to almost anyone and any situation.

Why is a single set of communication tools so versatile? Because although we are all different (and our problems are different too), our brains work the same way. In the next chapter we will see how our minds “buy” or “refuse to buy” and why communication with an uncommunicative person depends on talking to his brain.

CEO (chief executive officer) - the highest official of the company (CEO, chairman of the board, head). Determines the general strategy of the enterprise, makes decisions on the highest level, performs representative duties. Approx. ed.

CTO (chief technical officer, or chief technology officer, - "technical director") - a leading position in Western companies, corresponding to the Russian "chief engineer". One of the leaders of the corporation, responsible for its development and the development of new products; the CTO is usually responsible for the entire technological part of the production. Approx. ed.

Current page: 1 (total of the book has 18 pages) [available passage for reading: 4 pages]

Mark Goulston

I can hear right through you. Effective technique negotiations

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form whatsoever without the written permission of the copyright holders.

Legal support of the publishing house is provided by the law firm "VegasLex"

© Mark Goulston, 2009. Published by AMACOM, a division of the American Management Association, International, New York. All rights reserved.

© Translation into Russian, edition in Russian, design. LLC "Mann, Ivanov and Ferber", 2010

This book is well complemented by:

Radislav Gandapas"Kamasutra for an orator"

Stuart Diamond"Negotiations that work"

Stephanie Palmer"I came, I saw, I convinced"

Kerry Patterson, Joseph Granny, Ron Macmillan, Al Switzler"Key negotiations"

Warren Bennis, teacher and friend.

It was thanks to you that I realized that if you listen carefully to people, try to understand what exactly they want, and help them to the best of their ability, they will allow themselves to be persuaded to do almost anything.

In memory of Edwin Schneidman, pioneer in research and suicide prevention, founder of the Los Angeles Suicide Prevention Center, and my respected mentor.

“If you listen, you can always hear the pain, fear, suffering, hopes and dreams of others. And if people feel that you are listening and understanding, they will open their minds and hearts to you ”(Edwin Schneidman).

To my readers.

Glad to be able to give you these important lessons.

Foreword

Executives, CEOs and sales managers often say, "Talking to this person is like banging your forehead against a stone wall."

When I hear this, I say, “Stop it. Look for the weakest stone in this wall. " Find this "stone" - what a person really needs from you, and you will be able to overcome the highest barriers and communicate with people in a way that you could not even dream of before.

These thoughts lead me to my friend and colleague Mark Goulston. Mark has an almost magical ability to win anyone over to his side: CEOs, managers, clients, patients, their families, and even hostage-takers, because he always finds a “weak stone”. Mark is a real genius at dealing with the most uncommunicative people, and in this book you will find all the secrets of how he succeeds.

I got to know Mark through his books Get Out of Your Own Way and Get Out of Your Own Way at Work. His books, his work and, more importantly, Mark himself impressed me so much that I made sure that we became business partners. Mark is now one of Ferrazzi Greenlight's intellectual leaders and my trusted advisor. Having watched him work for a long time, I can explain why everyone - from the FBI to Oprah Winfrey - goes by ear when Mark talks about how to convince people - his methods are so simple and effective.

And by the way, do not focus on the fact that Mark is a psychiatrist. Besides that, he is also one of the best business communicators I have ever met. Take him to an office where everyone is at war with everyone, or to a sales department that cannot get the attention of customers, and Mark will solve the problem quickly and in a way that benefits everyone.

If you want to do the same, you won't find a better teacher than Mark. He is brilliant, cheerful, kind, captivating person, and his stories - from stories about uninvited Sunday guests to speeches of high-ranking politicians - can not only entertain you, but also change your life. So enjoy yourself and start using your new skills to turn impossible, uncommunicative, rebellious people into your allies, loyal clients, loyal colleagues and friends.

Kate Ferrazzi

Part one

The secrets of persuasion

Some lucky people seem to have a magic wand when it comes to convincing other people to take part in their plans, in achieving their goals, and fulfilling their desires. But in reality, persuading people is not magic. This is art ... and science. And it's easier than you think.

Who is holding you hostage?

Good governance is the art of making problems so interesting and solutions so constructive that everyone wants to get involved.

Paul Hawken. "Natural capitalism"

There are always people in your life whom you need to convince of something. If this fails, you lose your temper. This could be someone at work - a subordinate, a member of your team, a client, or a boss. Or someone close to you - a spouse, parent, child, or an embittered "ex."

You have tried everything: logic, belief, strength, pleading, anger - but each time it was like hitting a wall. You lose your head, scared or disappointed and think: "What will happen next?"

I would like you to think of this situation as a hostage taking. Why? Because you cannot be free. You are captured because of resistance, fear, apathy, stubbornness, selfishness, or the desires of another person, and also because of your own inability to take effective action.

It is at this moment that I appear.

I am an ordinary person - husband, father, doctor. But quite a long time ago I discovered a special talent in myself. You can throw me in any situation - and I can convince people. I can convince tough leaders and angry workers that they must collaborate to solve problems. I will be able to gain attention from broken families and couples who have come to hate each other. I can even change the minds of people who have taken hostages or are on the verge of suicide.

I was not sure at first that I was doing something different from what everyone else is doing, but I had no doubt that it worked. I knew that I was not smarter than others, but I knew that this success was not just luck: my approach has always worked, with completely different types of people, in completely different situations. I was not clear only one thing: why does it work?

Analyzing my methods, I found the answer. It turned out that I had come across a simple set of techniques (some I discovered myself, and some I borrowed from my teachers and colleagues) that ensured success. The common feature of these techniques was that they attracted people to me, even if they tried to distance themselves from me.

To understand this, imagine that you have to drive your car up a steep hill. If you try to do this at high speed, the wheels will slip and the car will not obey the steering wheel. But you just have to downshift and you have complete control. You seem to be pulling the road towards you.

Most people, when trying to convince others, turn up gears. They convince. They push. They are arguing. And thus they create resistance. If you start using the techniques I suggest, you will get the exact opposite - you will listen, ask, repeat and mirror what you heard. When you do this, your opponents will understand that they are seen, understood and felt. And that unexpected downshift will bring them to you.

The powerful techniques you'll learn about in this book can shift people's opinions from no to yes easily and quickly, often in minutes. I use these techniques every day — to help couples on the brink of divorce, companies on the brink of bankruptcy, management teams unable to collaborate effectively, and salespeople to help them make “impossible” sales. I use them to help FBI agents and negotiators succeed in the most difficult of life and death situations when freeing hostages.

In fact, as you will see later, you have a lot in common with negotiators when it comes to reaching out to people who don't want to listen to you. This is why the book begins with Frank's story.

Frank is sitting in a car in a parking lot near a large shopping center. There is no one around him because he has the muzzle of a shotgun at his throat. Spetsnaz and a team of negotiators have already been called. The SWAT team arrives and is positioned behind the vehicles, trying not to catch Frank's eyes.

While they are waiting for the negotiators, information about Frank is being collected. He is a little over thirty, worked in the customer service department of a large electronics store, but six months ago he lost his job due to the fact that he was rude to customers and colleagues and even shouted. Frank went through several interviews looking for a job, but never found one. He has a wife and two small children, and there were often scandals in the house.

A month ago, the wife took the children and went to her parents in another city, saying that she needed to take a break in the relationship, and he should think about his behavior. At the same time, Frank is kicked out of the apartment because he could not pay the rent. He moves to a squalid room in a poor area of ​​the city, ceases to take care of himself, wash and shave, and eats almost nothing. The last straw is the demand to vacate this room, which was presented to him the day before.

The chief negotiator arrives. He walks up to Frank and says in a calm voice:

“Frank, I'm Lieutenant Evans. I want to talk with you. There is a way out of this situation, and no one will harm you. I know you think you have no choice, but in fact you do.

- What do you know about this shit ?! You are the same as everyone else. Leave me alone! Frank exclaims.

“I can't do this,” Lieutenant Evans tells him. “You're in the middle of a large parking lot with a shotgun at your throat, and I have to help you find another way out of this situation.

- Go to hell! I don't need anyone's help! - Frank retorts.

The conversation lasts almost an hour, with pauses that drag on for several minutes. As information becomes available about Frank, it becomes clear that he is not an inveterate villain, but simply a confused and desperate person. The special forces team is ready to neutralize him at any time if he threatens anyone else with his shotgun, but everyone present continues to hope for a peaceful resolution of the conflict. Nevertheless, the situation is rather difficult and the chances of success are slim.

An hour and a half later, another negotiator, Detective Kramer, arrives. He went through negotiation training that I do for the police and the FBI.

Detective Kramer has already been introduced to basic information about Frank and the progress of the negotiations. He offers Lieutenant Evans a new move:

- I ask you to tell this guy: “I’m sure you think that no one but you knows what it’s like when you tried all the options, and now you think that you have only one left, right?”

- What to say? Evans asks.

Kramer repeats:

“It’s this:“ I’m sure you think that no one but you knows what it’s like when you tried all the options, and now you think that you have only one left, right? ”

Evans agrees, says these words to Frank, and he replies with a question:

- What do you want to hear from me?

Evans repeats the phrase, and this time Frank replies:

- Yes, you're right, no one knows how to live in such a situation!

Kramer addresses Evans:

“Okay, you got one yes, you need to continue,” and suggests asking the following question: “I’m sure you feel that no one knows what it’s like to start every day with the thought that everything will go wrong again. I would like to, right? "

- Yes, every damn day the same thing happens! - Frank answers.

Kramer asks Evans to repeat what he has just heard and get additional confirmation:

- And since no one knows how hard it is, and no one cares, and everything is not going as we would like, you are now sitting in your car with a weapon and with a desire to stop it all, right?

- Tell me more. What exactly happened to you? When was the last time everything was all right in your life and what happened next? Evans suggests.

Frank begins to remember what happened to him after being fired.

When he pauses, Evans says:

- I see ... Tell me more ...

Frank goes on to describe his problems. At some point, with a hint from Kramer, Evans says:

- And because of all this you got angry? Or disappointed? Or have you lost confidence in yourself? Or lost hope? Tell me exactly how you felt?

Evans waits for Frank to choose the word that best describes his feelings.

“I'm tired of everything,” Frank says finally.

- So you felt that you were tired of everything, and the demand for eviction was a turning point? - asks Evans.

With just a few sentences, Frank went from a complete rejection of communication to a willingness to listen and speak. What happened? The most important stage of persuasion has begun, which I call "retraction." The stage at which a person moves from resistance to readiness to first listen, and then to comprehending what has been said.

What made Frank start listening and getting involved in Lieutenant Evans' words? This shift was not accidental, was it? The secret is to voice exactly what Frank was thinking but not saying out loud. And when the lieutenant's words became in tune with Frank's thoughts, he got involved in the conversation and began to say "yes."

The cycle of persuasion

You may never have to find yourself in the situations faced by police and special forces negotiators. But don't you also have to convince someone of something every day?

The answer is almost everyone you meet. Almost all acts of communication are attempts to get people to do something different from what they have done before. Perhaps you are trying to sell or explain something to them. Or maybe you want to impress them, for example, to convince them that you are the best candidate for the job or promotion.

This is the main problem. All people have their own needs, desires, plans and secrets that they want to hide from you. They are stressed, very busy and often feel like they are not doing well. To overcome stress and a sense of danger, they erect mental barricades that make communication difficult. These people are in opposition to you and make communication almost impossible, even if they share your goals.

You come to them with your arguments and reasons or resort to arguments, or rewards, or requests, hoping to establish contact, and more often than not you get nothing. Instead of understanding, you are thrown aside, and you cannot understand why this is happening. Think of how many times you walked away from a failed customer, from an office meeting, or from a friend with whom you argued, shaking your head and saying to yourself, "Damn what happened?"

The good news is that you can connect with anyone. To do this, you just need to change your approach. The techniques I describe in this book work for emergency negotiators, but they also apply to your conversation with your boss, coworker, client, spouse, or even your child. They are simple and you can use them in any situation and at any time.

These techniques work because they address the very foundation of successful communication, what I call cycle of persuasion(see fig. 1.1). The persuasion cycle was inspired by the ideas of James Prochazka and Carlo Di Clemente, published in the book Transtheoretical Model of Change, and the work of William Miller and Steve Rolnik, Motivational interviewing.

Rice. 1.1. The cycle of persuasion

The persuasion process takes place in stages. To lead people from the beginning to the end of the persuasion cycle, you must talk to them in a way that will nudge them, move them forward.

- from resistance to listening

- from listening to thinking

- from deliberation to the desire to do

- from desire to do to action

- from the action to the feeling of joy from what was done and to the continuation of the action.

The center of attention is the main message and purpose of this book: "the secrets of how to be understood by absolutely everyone," in that you convince people, getting them to "buy", which occurs when a person moves from resistance to listening to what you speak.

It is especially interesting and important that the key to "buying" and to further movement of people through the cycle is not what you tell them, but what you force them to tell you, and what happens in their heads during this process ...

In the following chapters, I will outline nine basic rules and twelve quick techniques that you can use to move your persuasion cycle. Gain experience in applying them, and then you can connect them so that they work in any situation in your professional or personal life. These are the same concepts that I teach FBI agents and negotiators to build empathy, reduce conflict, and “buy” the desired solution. When you study them, you will no longer have to remain hostage to fear, anger, indifference or hidden plans of other people. You will have all the tools at your disposal to turn any situation in your favor.

In this book, you will find many options for dealing with any situation. This is explained by the fact that no matter how similar we are, no matter how we behave in a particular situation, each of us has his own view and his own approaches to everything in the world. The rules that I will discuss in part two are universal, but you can choose the techniques from parts three and four as you wish - so that they fit your personality type and lifestyle.

Secret: convincing is easy

There is nothing magical about the approaches discussed in these pages. One of the secrets you have to uncover is that convincing people is much easier than you think. To illustrate this, let me share with you the story of David, the CEO who, with the help of my techniques, completely turned his career around and saved his family at the same time.

David was a competent person in his field, but very difficult to communicate. His management style can be called dictatorial. His STO resigned, saying that he really liked the company, but he could not work with such a boss. It was obvious that in such conditions the employees of the company were working below their capabilities. Investors saw David as rude and arrogant, and he had a hard time finding the funds to grow the company.

I was invited by the board of directors to find out if the situation can be changed. After meeting with David, I had very serious doubts about this, but I was obliged to make an attempt to establish contact with him.

When we were talking about the management style, I suddenly asked:

- Do you communicate with your family in the same way?

“It's funny you asked about that,” he chuckled.

- Why? - I asked.

- My son is fifteen. He's a smart guy, but very lazy, and I can't do anything about him, although I've tried everything. The diary grades are bad, and my wife spoils him. I love him, but ... disappointed in him. We visited a psychologist with him, who said that he had some problems with concentration. The teachers tried to help him, but he didn't do anything that was asked of him. I know he's a nice guy, but I just have no idea what to do with him.

I insisted that David learn some simple communication techniques and asked him to test them at work and at home. We made an appointment in a week, but after three days I received a message from him: “Please call me as soon as possible. We have to talk".

I thought, "My God, what happened?" - called back and heard an agitated voice.

“Doctor,” David said, “I think you saved my life.

- What's happened? I asked.

“I did exactly what you told me to do,” he replied.

- Do you mean the board of directors and colleagues? How are you…

- No, I'm not talking about them, - David interrupted me, - I haven't talked to them yet. It's about my son. After our conversation, I returned home, went into his room and said that I needed to talk to him. I said, “I bet I know how you feel. You think that none of us knows what it feels like to be told that you are smart, but you cannot use your mind to get results. So?". And there were tears in his eyes - just as you said. I asked him the next question you suggested, ”continued David. - I said: "And I bet that sometimes you want not to be so smart that no one around you would expect good results from you, would not urge you on, would not demand that you try, right?" He began to cry ... And tears welled up in my eyes too. And then I asked him: "Are you worried about all this?"

David continued in an almost whisper:

- The son could hardly speak. He said that it was getting worse and worse, and he did not know how much more he could endure. And that he disappoints and fails everyone and always.

When David said this, he himself did not hide his tears. "Why didn't you tell me that everything is so bad?" - he asked his son, and talked about what happened next with undisguised pain in his voice: - My son stopped crying and looked at me with anger and resentment that tormented him for many years. “Because you didn't want to know anything about it,” he replied. And he was right.

- I had no right to leave him at such a moment. I said, “We have to fix this. I'll move my laptop to your room and I'll be with you when you do your homework. I cannot leave you alone when you feel so bad. " We spent a few evenings together and I think the situation has started to change. David paused briefly. “You helped me get the bullet out, Doctor. What can I do for you?

“Do in your company what you did with your son,” I replied.

- That is?

“You gave your son the opportunity to blow off some steam,” I continued. “And when you did, he himself told what the problem was, and you did a great job. But there are many other people, from the council to the leadership team, who see you exactly as your son saw you, and they too need to blow off some steam and tell you where you are wrong about them.

David held two meetings, one with the board of directors and the other with the management team. He told each group about the same thing. And both groups tensed and prepared for another verbal whipping, when at first David emphatically announced that he had gathered everyone to say that he was very disappointed, but he continued with the words: “I am very upset that I pounced on everyone instead of listening, especially when you sincerely tried to protect our company and me from myself. I didn’t want to listen, but now I’m ready to do it. ”

David told colleagues and partners about his son and ended his speech with the words: “I ask you to give me another chance, because I think the situation can be corrected. If you want to express your opinion again, I will listen to you and with your help I will find ways to implement your ideas. "

The board of directors and management team not only decided to give David a second chance, but also greeted his words with applause.

What is the moral of this story? The fact that the right, the right words have tremendous healing power. In David's case, a few hundred words saved his job, his company, and his family.

But there is another lesson here. Compare the two stories in this chapter, and you will see that both Detective Kramer and David used the same approaches to achieve very different goals. Kramer kept the man from committing suicide, and David not only escaped being fired and thereby saved the company from collapse, but also saved the family. The effectiveness of these techniques, as well as those for you to learn, is that they can be applied to almost anyone and any situation.

Why is a single set of communication tools so versatile? Because although we are all different (and our problems are different too), our brains work the same way. In the next chapter we will see how our minds “buy” or “refuse to buy” and why communication with an uncommunicative person depends on talking to his brain.

I can hear right through you. Effective negotiation technique Mark Goulston

(estimates: 1 , the average: 5,00 out of 5)

Title: I can hear right through you. Effective negotiation technique
By Mark Goulston
Year: 2011
Genre: Foreign business literature, Marketing, PR, advertising, Management, recruiting

About the book “I Hear Right Through You. Effective Negotiation Technique "Mark Goulston

Life modern man gained such a crazy pace that very often any of us finds ourselves in a situation where we are trying to convey something to our partner, but they simply don’t hear us or don’t want to listen to us. Likewise, we ourselves do not listen, but only try to bend our line, not realizing that we can hardly achieve success with such behavior. A similar situation is typical for absolutely any area of ​​our life, be it work, negotiations in any instances, or the area of ​​personal relations. Previously effective communication skills are now completely useless. What to do? How to "get through"? How can I be heard?

Mark Goulston found the answers to all questions. They are in his new book “I Hear Through You. Effective negotiation technique ". And this is just the case when the name speaks for itself.

One of the best advice regarding his technique, Goulston suggests analyzing and seeing what a person really needs from you, and then the highest barriers to communicating with people will be overcome.

Through the techniques described in the book, the reader will learn not only to convince people, but also to understand their fears and despair. Indeed, in any human communication, it is important first of all human attitude to each other. And it is this ability to listen and hear that lies at the heart of any successful negotiation.

Who is the book "I Hear Through You" for? For each. For a businessman to successfully negotiate and manage employees; for children who, as a rule, find it difficult to find mutual language with parents; for all, without exception, people who want to be heard and understood, to achieve their goal, to receive from communication and work all the positive maximum that is possible.

On our site about books, you can download the site for free or read online book“I can hear right through you. Effective negotiation technique "Mark Goulston in epub, fb2, txt, rtf, pdf formats for iPad, iPhone, Android and Kindle. The book will give you a lot of pleasant moments and real pleasure from reading. Buy full version you can contact our partner. Also, here you will find the latest news from literary world, find out the biography of your favorite authors. For aspiring writers, there is a separate section with useful tips and recommendations, interesting articles, thanks to which you yourself can try your hand at literary skill.

Quotes from the book “I can hear right through you. Effective Negotiation Technique "Mark Goulston

Life is for the most part a matter of perception, and more often of the wrong.

Before you start solving a problem someone suggested, make sure it really exists.

Think about which of your familiar parts uses hyperbole to prove their words, who tires you with their theatrical performances and makes you want to run away every time you see him.
The next time he begins his passionate outpourings, count to five and ask, "Do you really think so?" Track that person's retreat, and then figure out what the real problem is, if any.

A gram of apologies is worth a kilogram of indignation and a ton of lectures.

I realized that it is much better to seek help before the situation becomes critical. If you ask for help too late, when everything has already happened, in the eyes of others, it looks like an attempt to avoid punishment. Even so, it’s better to ask for help than not to do it at all.

People who need constant support, are upset about any reason, are always unhappy with something, they have one thing in common, which is the constant feeling that the world does not treat them as well as they would like. In fact, these people do not feel their significance and uniqueness in this world - usually because their own personal qualities push them out of the way to success.

Warren Bennis, teacher and friend.

It was thanks to you that I realized that if you listen carefully to people, try to understand what exactly they want, and help them to the best of their ability, they will allow themselves to be persuaded to do almost anything.

In memory of Edwin Schneidman, pioneer in research and suicide prevention, founder of the Los Angeles Suicide Prevention Center, and my respected mentor.

“If you listen, you can always hear the pain, fear, suffering, hopes and dreams of others. And if people feel that you are listening and understanding, they will open their minds and hearts to you ”(Edwin Schneidman).

To my readers.

Glad to be able to give you these important lessons.

Foreword

Executives, CEOs, and sales managers often say, "Talking to this person is like banging your forehead against a stone wall."

When I hear this, I say, “Stop it. Look for the weakest stone in this wall. " Find this "stone" - what the person really needs from you, and you will be able to overcome the highest barriers and communicate with people in a way that you could not even dream of before.

These thoughts lead me to my friend and colleague Mark Goulston. Mark has an almost magical ability to win anyone over to his side: CEOs, managers, clients, patients, their families, and even hostage-takers, because he always finds a “weak stone”. Mark is a real genius at dealing with the most uncommunicative people, and in this book you will find all the secrets of how he succeeds.

I got to know Mark through his books Get Out of Your Own Way and Get Out of Your Own Way at Work. His books, his work and, more importantly, Mark himself impressed me so much that I made sure that we became business partners. Mark is now one of Ferrazzi Greenlight's intellectual leaders and my trusted advisor. Having watched him work for a long time, I can explain why everyone - from the FBI to Oprah Winfrey - goes by ear when Mark talks about how to convince people - his methods are so simple and effective.

And by the way, do not focus on the fact that Mark is a psychiatrist. Besides that, he is also one of the best business communicators I have ever met. Take him to an office where everyone is at war with everyone, or to a sales department that cannot get the attention of customers, and Mark will solve the problem quickly and in a way that benefits everyone.

If you want to do the same, you won't find a better teacher than Mark. He is brilliant, cheerful, kind, captivating person, and his stories - from stories about uninvited Sunday guests to speeches of high-ranking politicians - can not only entertain you, but also change your life. So enjoy yourself and start using your new skills to turn impossible, uncommunicative, rebellious people into your allies, loyal clients, loyal colleagues and friends.

Kate Ferrazzi

Part one

The secrets of persuasion

Some lucky people seem to have a magic wand when it comes to convincing other people to take part in their plans, in achieving their goals, and fulfilling their desires. But in reality, persuading people is not magic. This is art ... and science. And it's easier than you think.

Who is holding you hostage?

Good governance is the art of making problems so interesting and solutions so constructive that everyone wants to get involved.

Paul Hawken. "Natural capitalism".

There are always people in your life whom you need to convince of something. If this fails, you lose your temper. This could be someone at work - a subordinate, a member of your team, a client, or a boss. Or someone close to you - a spouse, parent, child, or an embittered "ex."

You have tried everything: logic, belief, strength, pleading, anger - but each time it was like hitting a wall. You lose your head, scared or disappointed and think: "What will happen next?"

I would like you to think of this situation as a hostage taking. Why? Because you cannot be free. You are captured because of resistance, fear, apathy, stubbornness, selfishness, or the desires of another person, and also because of your own inability to take effective action.

It is at this moment that I appear.

I am an ordinary person - husband, father, doctor. But quite a long time ago I discovered a special talent in myself. You can throw me in any situation - and I can convince people. I can convince tough leaders and angry workers that they must collaborate to solve problems. I will be able to gain attention from broken families and couples who have come to hate each other. I can even change the minds of people who have taken hostages or are on the verge of suicide.

I was not sure at first that I was doing something different from what everyone else is doing, but I had no doubt that it worked. I knew that I was not smarter than others, but I knew that this success was not just luck: my approach has always worked, with completely different types of people, in completely different situations. I was not clear only one thing: why does it work?

Analyzing my methods, I found the answer. It turned out that I had come across a simple set of techniques (some I discovered myself, and some I borrowed from my teachers and colleagues) that ensured success. The common feature of these techniques was that they attracted people to me, even if they tried to distance themselves from me.

To understand this, imagine that you have to drive your car up a steep hill. If you try to do this at high speed, the wheels will slip and the car will not obey the steering wheel. But you just have to downshift and you have complete control. You seem to be pulling the road towards you.

Most people, when trying to convince others, turn up gears. They convince. They push. They are arguing. And thus they create resistance. If you start using the techniques I suggest, you will get the exact opposite - you will listen, ask, repeat and mirror what you heard.

When you do this, your opponents will understand that they are seen, understood and felt. And that unexpected downshift will bring them to you.

The powerful techniques you'll learn about in this book can shift people's opinions from no to yes easily and quickly, often in minutes. I use these techniques every day — to help couples on the brink of divorce, companies on the brink of bankruptcy, management teams unable to collaborate effectively, and salespeople to help them make “impossible” sales. I use them to help FBI agents and negotiators succeed in the most difficult of life and death situations when freeing hostages.

In fact, as you will see later, you have a lot in common with negotiators when it comes to reaching out to people who don't want to listen to you. This is why the book begins with Frank's story.

Frank is sitting in a car in a parking lot near a large shopping center. There is no one around him because he has the muzzle of a shotgun at his throat. SWAT and a team of negotiators have already been called in. SWAT arrives and is stationed behind the vehicles, trying not to catch Frank's eyes.

While they are waiting for the negotiators, information about Frank is being collected. He is a little over thirty, worked in the customer service department of a large electronics store, but six months ago he lost his job due to the fact that he was rude to customers and colleagues and even shouted. Frank went through several interviews looking for a job, but never found one. He has a wife and two small children, and there were often scandals in the house.

A month ago, the wife took the children and went to her parents in another city, saying that she needed to take a break in the relationship, and he should think about his behavior. At the same time, Frank is kicked out of the apartment because he could not pay the rent. He moves to a squalid room in a poor area of ​​the city, ceases to take care of himself, wash and shave, and eats almost nothing. The last straw is the demand to vacate this room, which was presented to him the day before.

The chief negotiator arrives. He walks up to Frank and says in a calm voice:

Frank, I'm Lieutenant Evans. I want to talk with you. There is a way out of this situation, and no one will harm you. I know you think you have no choice, but in fact you do.

What do you know about this shit? You are the same as everyone else. Leave me alone! Frank exclaims.

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We constantly need something from others, be they colleagues and clients, bosses and subordinates, children and spouses. Often, something important depends on whether we can get it - a career, for example. Or at least a vacation, spent according to our wishes. Therefore, every day we convince someone of something, and not always successfully. The key to effective negotiations is the ability to listen and hear the interlocutor and the ability to understand what he expects from you. This idea, in general, is not new, but there are still very few sensible methods.

The author of this book is a scholar and experienced negotiator rolled into one. Mark Goulston, a practicing psychiatrist and FBI negotiator trainer, explains how to develop your listening skill and how to apply it not only and not so much at work, but also in life in general.

The book will be useful to everyone who wants to be heard and is ready to hear and understand another.

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