Ease of communication. Easy communication

Have a lot of good friends, establish communication with others, find language with colleagues, be an interesting conversationalist and like the opposite sex. How to become a good conversationalist, how to learn to communicate with people and be interesting? Not everyone has the ability to conduct a conversation, from which they then suffer. Work, success, friends and soul mate. Their presence depends on your ability to communicate. If you experience difficulties in communicating with others, then it is difficult to hope for a good, successful and happy life... Every modern person must improve communication skills or his ability to be a good conversationalist.

Communication skills are responsible for ease of establishing contact, maintaining conversation, and building friendships. There are books on psychology, exercises and methods to help you learn to communicate with people easily. How to learn to communicate and be an interesting conversationalist?

How to learn to communicate with people? Secrets and Exercises from Psychology Books

1. Be a good listener. Talk less and listen to your interlocutor more.
2. Never interrupt your interlocutor with your stories and interlocutors.
3. Smile more and try to be kind.
4. Show a sincere interest in the interlocutor, his life, business, mood.
5. Avoid unreasonable arguments, avoid objections and avoid confrontations.
6. Try to talk about what interests and worries the interlocutor.
7. Feel the mood of the interlocutor and adjust to him.
8. Avoid negative topics and focus on positive ones.
9. Call the interlocutor by name. This is the most pleasant thing for a person.

These psychological advice help you learn to communicate with people faster and easier.

What kind of people need to learn to communicate effectively

There are people who find it easy to find a topic for conversation and who are free to maintain a conversation in any situation. They have a natural talent for communication and charisma, and this captivates those around them.

For them, no effort is required at all to start a dialogue and immediately arouse sympathy with the interlocutor. But what about those who want to succeed in life, but do not have the innate talent of an orator? There are several secrets to learning to communicate effectively and interact confidently with those around you.

Confidence

Good communication skills begin with showing that you are a reliable partner. To do this, you need to be confident. Self-confidence attracts others like a magnet. The look of a determined person convinces others that the other person is worth the time. A confident person will not waste your time "walking around the bush", but will immediately get down to the essence of the conversation.

You need to look your interlocutor in the eye. Nobody trusts people who usually avert their eyes during a conversation. Attempts to avoid eye contact indicate, at a minimum, a person’s disinterest, and, at a maximum, about his dishonesty.

When a person looks into the eyes of his interlocutor, it inspires confidence in him and in everything he says.

Such a minor nuance helps to establish reliable contact with your counterpart. Therefore, in a conversation you need to be confident and in no case avert your eyes.

Interest in the interlocutor

Many people make the mistake of talking too much about themselves. Nothing tires the person with whom you are talking like a forced “excursion” through the labyrinths of your life. One of the best ways to learn how to communicate with people is to let them talk about themselves, rather than forcing them to listen to your stories. This will help the other person feel more at ease and increase their now self-confidence. Eastern sages teach: say once and listen twice!

The right questions

When contact is still being established, it is important to avoid awkward pauses in the conversation. One of the quickest paths to awkward silence is with questions that can be answered simply "yes" or "no."

An important skill for successful communication is the ability to ask questions that require a detailed answer. This will allow conversation to start. Just don't lose your sense of proportion. You can not arrange a "bombardment" with questions - this is good way make the person feel uncomfortable. The conversation should not turn into an interrogation.

The power of knowledge

Effective communication begins where people are broad-minded. A well-rounded person with broad interests will be attractive to different people. It can be easy and interesting to communicate with such a person. His head is full of topics for discussion, and he can quickly and confidently adapt to any conversation. Find mutual language with the interlocutor for him it is not difficult.

Often people cannot ask for something because they are afraid of rejection. Failure makes a person feel flawed, inferior. But rejection shouldn't have any effect on self-esteem.

The only way to learn how to talk to people correctly and confidently is through practice, where you hone your skills.

There is also an element of risk here: you never know in advance how the conversation will go. But if you are afraid to get out of the shadows and start holding on to your "safety", you will never acquire the ability to easily and confidently make contact and remain on the path that leads nowhere.

These are not all the secrets of successful communication, but rather the most basic ones. There are other aspects, which also need to be taken into account:

You have to be honest. When people are reliable and honest, communication becomes much easier. Then there is no need to think about what we are going to say, there is no need to worry about the fact that someday the untruth will be revealed.
You must be able to adapt your ideas to the perception of others. When we have an interesting thought, a clear image of the idea develops in our head, but this image is not always clear to other people as well. To be heard, you need to find a way to reveal your thought. It should be clear to everyone. You need to know your audience well if you want to communicate effectively with it.
Pause before answering. We usually try to respond right away, but sometimes just a tiny pause can work wonders. It gives you time to think, and this is important in order to better understand what the interlocutor is talking about, or to clearly formulate the thought that you want to convey.
Try to delve into what your interlocutor is saying. You must listen carefully. So, you will be able to understand what is at stake, and not just wait your turn to say something in response. Too often we listen "out of ear" while pondering our answer. To communicate effectively, you need to work on understanding what others are saying.
Be patient and open minded. Sometimes a short conversation may not be very comfortable for you in some way. Recognize for yourself that this contact should not be the way you would like it to be, and continue to behave correctly with patience. Always be patient and keep your mind open to learning new ways of communication and understanding.
Try to keep feedback. When all is said and done, the best way to find out how effective it was is to ask your interlocutors about it. Take time to talk to those you interact with frequently and find out how you could improve your communication with them. Sometimes it’s easy to get this kind of feedback, and you’ll get a clear idea of what you still need to work on, and sometimes it’s not very easy to do it, but your efforts will still be worth it!

Start small

Learning to communicate effectively with people takes time. A person who sets a goal to improve their communication skills will advance at their own pace. Don't try to grasp everything at once, start small.

At its core, effective communication starts with self-confidence, which is the thread that ties all of your other qualities and skills together. Each new meeting helps build your confidence and adds new dimensions to your experience.

To practice, expand your social circle in your office, for example. Try to start communicating with the sellers in the store or market a little more than usual.

When it becomes easier for you to communicate in your familiar society, start contacting representatives of a higher rank. Gradually, you will learn to talk with different people, and your skills will become stronger and stronger. On occasion, you can even with the CEO large company talk and make a favorable impression on him.

How to communicate with extroverts and introverts

People are divided into several types, and each has its own communication style. Knowing how to build a conversation with a counterpart who has this or that type of temperament, misunderstandings and related misunderstandings can be avoided.

Introverts: Difficulty communicating. They carry their experiences deep within themselves, avoid unnecessary contacts.
Extroverts: Their need for communication is maximized. They constantly inform those around them about their experiences, convey their views on the circumstances, in any situations they find new acquaintances.

These psychotypes in their pure form are rare; mixed types of personalities are more common.

You need to find out your type of character. If his qualities are closer to the characteristics inherent in extroverts, to make it easier to build communication, try not to talk only about yourself all the time. It is necessary to listen more to other people's opinions, not to express open disagreement. As soon as it turns out to establish communication, people themselves will begin to reach out. Leadership positions in the team can be easily won due to the inherent nature of openness. The resulting resentment of apparent neglect will disappear.

An introvert has a more difficult task, so it is more important for him to learn how to communicate with people correctly. It can be difficult for them to find new acquaintances and friends. This affects professional field... Therefore, despite the difficulties, you need to overcome yourself and go for rapprochement. As a result, the environment will be those people who will appreciate the tacit approval of the introvert.

Entering into a dialogue, you need to try to analyze what psychotype the person with whom you are communicating belongs. Introvert? You should try to bring him up to date, listen carefully to rare remarks, tell how the situation looks from different points of view. His silence can lead to serious misunderstandings. It will help to understand his attitude to the subject of conversation, facial expressions, facial expressions, tone.

An extrovert cannot be allowed to speak. You have to keep your ears open with him. If he tries to stray from the topic, you need to firmly translate the conversation into the direction that interests you. It is necessary to let him express himself, but firmly convey his point of view. You can even do it with a bit of rigidity. Such people are usually not offended, and if this trait is present in the character, then they are quick-witted.

When talking with the interlocutor, it is required to show interest in communication. It is very good to emphasize important points with intonation.

There is no need to argue. If the arguments are not convincing, it is better to end the conversation on a friendly note and resume at the right moment. You can't raise your tone, go to shout.

How to generate interest from the interlocutor

We are all individuals. Everyone has their own goals, outlook on life, principles and priorities. Everyone's desire to feel important in society is normal.

Be very careful in your judgments. Leave the last word better for the interlocutor than for yourself. Give in to him in a dispute: the relationship will not deteriorate, and you will remain unconvinced.

Do not be arrogant in your conversation. Weigh every word as you speak. An arrogant tone, a desire to elevate oneself over an opponent can greatly offend him, and then the opinion of you will not be the best, and he is unlikely to have a desire to talk to you again.

Try not to stand aside, be closer to people. It is much more pleasant to communicate with someone who is on the same wavelength with him, so hiding in a corner will not be the best solution.

What you should pay attention to

Avoid conversations where there are complaints about your boss, colleagues, work, or your destiny. Remember that everyone has enough problems without you, so no one wants to listen to strangers. People communicate for fun.

An important psychological moment in a conversation is the posture in which you and your interlocutor are. It has been proven that taking the pose of your interlocutor, you thereby open him up for communication, create comfortable conditions for him.

Try to be yourself in conversation. Unnaturalness in communication, the desire to show yourself as a completely different person from the outside can look very funny and ridiculous, although it may seem to you that you perfectly fit into this image. You won't be able to play for a long time, and sooner or later people will find out who you really are. So, why splurge, deceive your interlocutor already at the initial stage of communication. Naturalness and ease are the basic rules of behavior.

The main teacher is an experience that does not come immediately. It takes time and appropriate conditions to get it. The main thing is to be as self-confident as possible, to be able to “convey oneself” to society. Expand your social circle, including different people: both by age, and by views, and by life principles.

Any communication starts small. Thanks to some communication skills, you will be able to become an authoritative person in your circles, to whom everyone will listen with interest. It is not for nothing that it is said that self-love gives rise to the love of others for you. Only when you begin to respect yourself will others do the same.

Communication skills will definitely lead you to success. Do not be afraid to step out of the shadows, start communication first. Be polite and friendly, and then you will be able to win the sympathy of the interlocutor.

What does it mean to "speak beautifully"

To speak beautifully means to speak clearly, intelligibly, with the correct intonations, moderately emotionally, so as to convince the interlocutor or interlocutors of the correctness of their reasoning and conclusions. A person who speaks beautifully is said to have the gift of eloquence or oratorical ability.

Eloquence can be natural and acquired. With the natural, everything is clear - some people have it by nature. Acquired eloquence is the oratory, or the art of eloquence, which needs to be learned. Nowadays, he is taught at all kinds of trainings. And it arose in ancient times in ancient Greece, where the first schools for teaching the art of eloquence appeared, and gradually grew into a science - rhetoric. In oratory classes, both before and now, they teach how to turn ordinary speech into oratory.

As the French writer-philosopher Voltaire said:

"A beautiful thought loses its value if it is badly expressed."

Why speak beautifully

At all times, speech has played a huge role for humanity, because it is a means of communication and thanks to it, the thoughts of one person are transmitted to another.

"They are greeted by their clothes, but they are escorted by their minds."

And a person demonstrates his mind (or lack thereof) just with the help of speech. That is why it can be called a visiting card of a person: whether he wants it or not, his speech reflects his essence.

As the ancient Greek philosopher Socrates said to one constantly silent young man:

And the Persian poet Saadi wrote:

"Smart or stupid, big or small, we do not know until you said a word."

People who know how to speak beautifully and clearly express their thoughts have always been appreciated. The existence of schools indicates this oratory even in ancient times. And the ancient Greek sage Scyleph noted that "Eloquence is more valuable than money, fame and power, for the latter are very often achieved through eloquence." He was echoed by the American politician Daniel Webster, who lived many centuries later: "Take from me everything that I have, but leave me my speech, and soon I will have everything that I had."

The French emperor and military leader Napoleon believed that a person who cannot speak beautifully would never make a career.

Nothing has changed in our days. Employees who are proficient in the art of eloquence make their careers much faster than those who do not know how to correctly express their thoughts. Moreover, it often happens that smart and knowledgeable employees who do not understand what it is that makes their further career growth unlikely suffer from tongue-tied language. Of course, professionalism, knowledge, skills and experience are very important, since no one needs non-professionals.

But even those who have experience and knowledge, but are not able to convey them to the listener, explain, prove, convince and convince, someday they will certainly have big problems. After all, the higher the official position of an employee, the more often and more he has to communicate with colleagues, subordinates, clients, etc. Therefore, he must definitely be able to logically and clearly express his thoughts, influence the interlocutor and convince him.

What prevents people from speaking beautifully

The importance of mastering the art of eloquence is self-evident. However, many people experience fear when they have to perform in public or talk to strangers. Such fear in psychology is called "logophobia" (or "verbophobia"). It is curious that, according to research by psychologists, the fear of public speaking ranks second among people after the fear of death.

People suffering from such a phobia are terrified of speaking not only in front of a full audience, but also in front of a small group of people. They are thrown into hot and cold weather, they begin to tremble, stumble, cannot concentrate. This phobia has psychological and physiological causes.

Psychological reasons are associated with the fact that a person does not believe in himself, in his abilities, knowledge, experience, in the fact that his speech will be of interest and he will be able to keep the attention of the audience.

As for the physiological factor, then, as we know, in dangerous situations, the human adrenal glands begin to secrete the stress hormone adrenaline into the bloodstream, the action of which is aimed at consolidating all protective forces. The same thing happens when a person is worried before a performance or some kind of conversation.

However, adrenaline prompts a person to take physical actions, such as fleeing, during which it is consumed. During a speech or an exciting conversation, there is no such physical activity, so adrenaline is not fully used, and its excess only brings harm. As a result of intense excitement, instead of a brilliant performance, it can turn out to be uncertain and crumpled.

Success in training. And most importantly, remember: in order to learn something, you need to do it, even though it is difficult.

1. Get away from the blow

The amortization principle is a technique of avoiding conflicts, described in the book of the Russian psychologist Mikhail Litvak "Psychological Aikido". According to the principles of the book, the prevention and termination of conflict occurs by redirecting the aggressor's energy back to him. Simply put, having received a "psychological blow", behave like a cat falling from a height: soften it. This algorithm can be successfully applied in the family, at work, in public life.

If your opponent accuses you, agree with his statement. Two or three evasions - and the enemy is disoriented, because he did not receive the expected emotions from this conflict.

2. Repeat the end of the angry opponent's phrase

Mirroring - famous psychologist ical method. Only it is not a human invention, even chimpanzees resort to mirroring tactics of their fellow tribesmen. Keep in mind that mirroring is a subtle process, your opponent shouldn't think that you are laughing at him.

When you repeat the words of the interlocutor, filling them with your own meaning, they are perceived as his own. It is easier for an angry person to listen to your arguments if they are in part theirs.

3. Get an Arbitrator

Calling someone for help does not mean hiding behind someone else's back. The involvement of third parties allows you to look at the conflict in a new way and find ways out of the impasse. From the point of view of neurobiology, spores are a threatening situation, and the receptors responsible for the excitability of the parasympathetic nervous system, start to sound the alarm. So the mediator in the conflict will take on the role of a lightning rod and judge you without unnecessary emotions.

Asking someone for helpnot a sign of immaturity, but, on the contrary, evidence of your understanding of the laws real life.

4. Treat yourself to an imaginary cake

The cakes are very sweet, delicious, and they can also bring a smile to those with a sweet tooth. Angry people often need this imaginary cake. Often, their anger comes from self-doubt, fear of losing authority, resentment. Don't be greedy, share with them a couple of imaginary cake slices. After all, giving up in something small, you can get big benefits in the future.

V conflict situation go to meet the interlocutor... It is only important to remember that the requirements must be reasonable and justified - do not step over yourself.

5. Imagine an unpleasant person in a ridiculous situation

Visualization is a powerful tool in psychology. She helps to achieve the set goals, outline the prospects and present the results of their work. Psychologists from a wide variety of schools use positive imaging to treat depression, panic disorder, and other ailments. But also the most ordinary people can use visualization techniques in practice to relieve stress and calm down.

It happens that there is no way to answer the offender, he does not even let his mouth open. Visualize. If you imagine that the boss yelling at you is wearing a pink ballet tutu, it will be much easier to survive the stream of moralizing.

6. Feed the aggressor

Another way to extinguish a conflict is to offer the evil person something edible (candy, cookie) or hold out a bottle of water. The whole secret is that when you give something to your opponent, he feels an unconscious desire to reciprocate, to meet halfway.

In addition, since ancient times, eating has a sacred meaning. The people who share the meal become allies in some way. It is easier for them to find ways to reconciliation. And screaming with a full mouth is also very problematic.

7. Build the wall

If no admonitions work on the offender, and your emotional condition already shaken - go into the defensive. It so happens that there is simply no strength to laugh it off, explain and try to understand the opponent. Perhaps today is simply not your day, or in communication you have come across a real energy vampire.

Build a high wall(only in imagination) and be sure that no insults and stinging attacks will get you.

8. Make a joke

Humor is unique in that it helps you find a way out of the most difficult life situations... An appropriate joke, a phrase that, at first glance, has nothing to do with the situation and seems a little absurd. All this is capable of breaking the chain of unpleasant questions and destroying the armor that your unpleasant interlocutor has surrounded himself with. Now it will become much easier to talk to him.

Of course, the art of answering questions witty can take years to learn. For most of us, the brightest answers come in a day or two. Relax, be confident - and everything will work out.

What techniques do you use in dialogue with unpleasant interlocutors? Share in the comments.

Watch the video: HOW TO BECOME A MASTER OF COMMUNICATION. 5 Tips for Developing Communication Skills (February 2020).

Every day a person interacts with other people through communication. People collide with each other at school, at work, at various events. Communication plays important role in a person's life, helping him to develop, to receive certain information, experience. But what if there is a communication barrier? How to learn to communicate with people?

The reason a person cannot start a conversation is called a barrier. Why does it arise?

First, a person’s inability and lack of desire to listen to his interlocutor can act as a barrier. He tries to start his speech while the opponent is still speaking. Without the ability to listen, a person will not be able to achieve success in those areas of life where communication with people is the main link for achieving a positive result. After all, when the interlocutor constantly tries to interrupt, inserting some thought of his own, it is very confusing and annoying.

The lack of desire to listen is a slightly different problem. In this case, the opponent does not interrupt, but simply shows his complete indifference to the conversation. The reason for this may be that the person is not interested in the topic of the conversation, or he already has an opinion about the problem being discussed, and he is not going to change it.

At the same time, it is necessary to remember that the interlocutor can pretend that he is interested. As a result, it turns out that a person is wasting time on this conversation. You can check if the opponent is listening to the speech. To do this, you just need to ask the question: "What do you think about this?" If a person has not heard the last of what was said, then he will not be able to express his opinion.

Second, the barrier can act as an inability to demonstrate that the person is really interested in the issue under discussion. Conversation is much easier when all the participants like the topic of the conversation. However, if the interlocutor simply shows interest without actually having it, then the communication will not make sense. But often the fear of offending a person makes you keep silent about your indifference to this topic of conversation.
Thirdly, a lack of desire to understand the feelings of the interlocutor can be a barrier. It often happens that a person begins communication without paying attention to the opponent's mood or to what feelings this particular topic evokes in him. And this is very important point in communication.
Fourth, the fear of opening up to them interferes with speaking to people. Usually this is fully manifested when people first met. Not every person is ready to open his soul to another, because for this it is necessary to be confident in him and completely trust him. Although some people can tell everything about themselves at the first meeting, which is also not desirable. It is necessary to carefully talk about yourself, choosing what is worth telling and what is better to remain silent.
Fifth, the fact that people often have too much different level development and education. The easiest way to interact with each other is people who have almost the same intellectual level. If the interlocutor is tall, then the opponent tries to please him somehow, to take an example from him, to acquire some skill.

The worst thing is when one person has a lower IQ than another. Then the interest in the conversation will be minimal, there will be no desire to support it. But even from this pattern, there are exceptions.
For example, if the interlocutor has been engaged in mental activity all day, then he is unlikely to want to talk about serious topics. Then he can easily support any casual conversation, even the most trifling one. Therefore, in this case, the opponent's intellectual level will not play any role.

Psychology of communication with people

The psychology of communication with people is based on certain rules. The best-known psychologist and writer Dale Carnegie was able to form them best. He has excellent and well-known books on communication in his arsenal, which were written back in the 1930s-40s. At the moment, they remain the same relevant.

It's important to be truly interested in other people. After all, each person believes that he is unique, and therefore wants to be interesting to society. Usually, the interlocutor is more willing to enter into a conversation with the opponent who is most interested in him. At the same time, little importance is given to what exactly he says.
You must always smile. A smile is the tool that helps to win over the interlocutor. She demonstrates the pleasure of socializing.
Do not forget about the name of your opponent, because this is the most pleasant word for any person. In the course of a conversation, you need to call the interlocutor. The name expresses personality, which is why many people do not like it when someone calls it wrong.
It is very important to listen to the person. With this skill, the opponent shows his attention, interest in the conversation. Unfortunately, not all people know how to listen, trying to quickly break into the conversation, expressing their point of view. It is necessary to listen carefully to the interlocutor, ask him questions, show your emotions when appropriate. If you still remember some successful phrase of your opponent, and then express it during the conversation, then he will be doubly pleased and there will be no doubts about whether he was heard.
The conversation should be based on what interests both participants in the discussion. It is good if a person can define or already knows a topic that will definitely not be indifferent to the interlocutor. This will greatly help to endear a person to himself.
You always need to show the person that he is significant. At the same time, this must be done extremely sincerely. This is a very difficult moment in the field of communication psychology. The opponent can always feel a false interest in him, feigned admiration. Even if people prefer flattery, he can still feel some discomfort. Therefore, one should find in a person those aspects that actually seem to be unique and best, and praise him for them.

People who are distinguished by isolation are faced with the inability to step over themselves to utter a phrase to keep the conversation going. But this skill is necessary for every person as much as the ability to write and read. Psychologists have created some guidelines on how to learn to communicate with people.

You can practice well on inanimate objects. You can just talk to your furniture, for example, tell your desk how great today was and what interesting events happened.

Experts say that such an exercise actually allows you to learn how to communicate with people correctly, express your thoughts, build sentences logically, train your facial expressions and gestures. However, for many people, this idea seems crazy. In any case, you can change the furniture for your pet. For example, a dog will always faithfully listen to all the stories of its owner.

Praise is another exercise. When a person enters into a conversation, he should always try to compliment his interlocutors, highlight their special qualities and skills. Many people are embarrassed to express their feelings, but everyone knows very well that people love to be praised.

It is important to consider that kind words should be sincere, come from the heart. Do not flatter on purpose, it can be noticeable.

The best kind of exercise in how to properly communicate with people around you is direct communication with casual opponents. Make it a goal to engage in conversation with a stranger every day. For example, when you come to a grocery store, you can talk to the seller about the quality of a particular product.

Or when you need to find a specific address, you can ask random passers-by how to get to it. Also, entering the premises, you can greet the concierge, ask about her mood, talk about the weather, and so on. It is important to always smile when chatting with strangers. This disposes people to each other.

Facial expressions and gestures in communication

Learning to speak to people correctly is not all. It is necessary to acquire the skill of correct gestures and facial expressions. Sometimes body language speaks more than the words themselves. When the interlocutor speaks, the people around them evaluate not only speech, but also the location, movement of the arms, legs, head, eyes.

In order for people to listen to speech, you must adhere to the following rules:

It is important to learn how to look at the interlocutor correctly. Sometimes a person has such a look that another gets a lump in his throat and is afraid to say something. Therefore, it is necessary to look at your opponent openly, to avert your eyes, to constantly show your interest in him. Depending on the topic on which the conversation is taking place, the view may be different. You should not look "eye to eye", this creates additional stress during communication. If the other person is trying to look you directly in the eyes, you can look in their direction, but not focusing your gaze on them. See as if through the person's face.
It is necessary to monitor your facial expressions and the facial expressions of your interlocutor. A person always expresses some kind of emotion on his face. You can learn to recognize your partner's mood by facial expressions, as well as to express feelings yourself with the help of it.
You need to be able to determine the mood of a person by gesturing. If a person crosses his legs, presses a folder to himself, hides his hands in his pockets, then we can say with confidence that he is trying to fence himself off. Then the conversation is unlikely to be open and interesting from the first minutes.

The pose should be open, gestures should be smooth and slow, palms open. This will indicate that the person is calm and ready to talk. Some people who are adept at using psychological techniques often use the "mirroring" method. It consists in repeating the gestures or posture of the partner after a short period of time. This technique allows people to open up better.

Communication with people around is an integral part of a person's life. Personal development is impossible without this. To acquire communication skills, you must constantly practice it. The more a person will talk to people, the faster he will lose all the holding down barriers that stood in his way.

Alas, our life is not a movie. After an unsuccessful conversation or a quarrel, you cannot rewind the tape, see what went wrong, and maybe even fix something. Therefore, especially in communicating with close people, it is always worth thinking about where our words and deeds lead us. The impressions that we leave about ourselves in the memory of a person will be almost impossible to change or rewrite (especially if the impression is negative).

Relationship psychology - individual science. You cannot align everyone to the same level, pick up one set of rules and learn to communicate with everyone in the same way. Ideally, when both partners are open, take into account the interests of each other and can calmly say what they like and what they don't. But this is rarely the case.

The opposite is often the case. Through the veil of love or charm, one of the partners does not notice how he is losing himself. Falls under the influence of the strong personality of the partner and dissolves in it. Why is this happening? - there can be many reasons. Perhaps in childhood they did not love much, or maybe the old relationship left a wound and now I want someone to console.

For a strong partner, this is a signal that he can easily take advantage of the position and establish his own rules in the relationship. He will start with small things - like non-fundamental questions, about which there is no point in arguing. But over time, there are so many rules, conditions and orders that they simply "choke" and limit at every step. Then the period of misunderstanding and quarrels will begin. The period when it seems that no amount of relationship psychology will help you learn to communicate easily. Yes, the time for establishing comfortable rules in the relationship has been lost, but it has not yet been lost forever.

How to learn to communicate easily and confidently, not only in a relationship with a man, but also in Everyday life... Relationship psychology will help you in this matter. Remember that the rules of communication must always be established from the first minutes of any relationship. Don't waste this precious time at the start of your conversation, hoping you can catch up later. If you allow the other person to set rules that will restrict you, it will be difficult to change something. Because your partner will struggle to resist change - he is happy with everything, unlike you.

And so, what rules should always be remembered in any relationship so that communication develops easily:

Don't get lost in your partner. Your “want” is also important and your interests should not be relegated to the background. Better seek compromises.

Don't let your personal boundaries be violated. Relationships should be open, but everyone has their little secrets. Anyone needs personal space. And it is better to warn about this in advance.

Don't manipulate your partner or allow yourself to be manipulated. All decisions should suit both parties, only then it will be a compromise. If one gets "everything" and the other gets nothing, sooner or later this situation will end in a serious conflict.

Your relationship should have a purpose. For example, it can be communication and friendship, starting a family, just having a pleasant time together, etc. If you realize that you and your partner have different goals, either look for a way to combine them into one, or change the goal, or change the partner. In any case, do not remain silent and do not expect that everything will work out by itself.

Relationship psychology is the psychology of happiness. You should bring joy to each other, not disappointment. Neither sadness nor discouragement should cloud your communication.

The degree of openness is a personal decision. If you yourself have decided to push your boundaries, then do not expect this from your partner. He himself decides when and to whom to open up to him. Instead, discuss the degree of openness so that you can understand exactly what your partner is thinking.

Remember that there is also a person next to you. And he may simply not be in the mood or have a different opinion, or he may just be tired. Better instead of accusations, find out if everything is in order. It happens that a catastrophe is only far-fetched by you. Put the question aside for later.

Of course, there are many more rules. Relationship psychology is not built on clear terms. It is important here to listen to your partner and yourself, to find common ground for your interests. Find solutions that work for both. After all, your task is not only to learn to communicate, but also to be happy.

Don't be afraid to rewind the tape of your past relationship in your head. It is easier to build the future on the mistakes of the past.

Alexander Orlov - July 09, 2015

Quite often people write about people whom they want to nail down communication with whom does not bring pleasant emotions. But it delivers a lot of problems: in everyday communication, and in conveying ideas, and in resolving some work stories.

Today we will talk about what 3 ideas can turn this situation around, and with some luck, make such a person your good friend and helper.

It would seem, why bother to establish relationships with unpleasant people? There are at least 5 reasons for this.

Reason # 1 (main) . Nerves. Communicating with those we dislike takes energy. Nerve cells are not restored. Although the latest studies seem to say that they are recovering, but who trusts them, these latest studies? :)

Reason # 2. Decline in authority ... Communication with a bad person often evokes emotions, which in no way contributes to constructive discussion. And any unconstructive and unproductive discussion in the presence of witnesses reduces your authority. Didn't achieve the result, although he shouted like that, shouted like that? .. Hmmm, the manager is weak ...

Reason number 3. Unresolved problems. If you are uncomfortable communicating with someone, it means that there is some situation or problem that you would like to resolve. But in order to solve it, you need to find out what the essence is. And I categorically do not want to do this, because ... such a person.

Reason number 4. The further up you go, the fewer people you can choose from. In her book Up, the first Russian-speaking vice president of IBM, Inna Kuznetsova, described such a case. At some point, a very unpleasant person became her boss. And Inna was about to leave, but then she understood and accepted a non-trivial thought for herself:

The most important, in my opinion, reason to stay is that the ability to adapt and work with a difficult boss is one of those skills that must sooner or later be mastered in order to successfully move up the career ladder.

The higher you go, the fewer positions at your level exist, which means there are fewer potential bosses to choose from. In addition, people who can adapt and change style ultimately diversify their palette of management methods and are valued more. As a consequence, they are more often chosen for the best positions.

So, the sooner you learn how to deal with a bad boss, the easier it will be for you to move on. Learning to do this is unpleasant, but, as they say, everything that does not kill us makes us stronger.

And that brings us to the final reason:

Reason number 5. The system is controlled by its most flexible element. And the current situation is a good opportunity to learn how to be more flexible. Ultimately, why not give it a try? They won't take money for “trying”.

Real life story. Once, I happened to read in a well-known Moscow company in St. Petersburg. The 3-day training was given for two groups. In one group were gathered older people (in the area of fifty dollars), in the second - young people (25-30).

The older group worked perfectly, but with the youth it did not work right away. In the group there was a guy (Sergei) who sabotaged all the exercises from the very beginning. What is the worst (coaching nightmare), the group listened to him. Obviously, Sergei was the informal leader of the team. And away we go: bringing the exercises to the point of absurdity, taking the discussions aside, reasoning about what would be better to work ...

Something had to be done. In the first coffee break, I approached Sergei:

Sergey, will there be time today, after the training, to drink coffee?

Let's see…

We drank coffee after the training, then drank coffee again - we talked for two hours. About the history of the company, what kind of people work there, what happens there. I didn’t try to convince Sergei. It seemed to me that if a person behaves this way, then there must be a reason. After all, he cannot but like our excellent training? :)

So I basically asked and listened. I learned a lot of interesting things. The company changed its management a year and a half ago. Like any new management, it decided to figure out what the whole crowd of people was doing in the company.

How does it usually work in good companies? Consultants from one of the Big Four companies are invited. Young cheerful consultants walk around the company, distract employees, collecting their data. Then they write a thick report for a lot of money and leave.

It is clear, says Sergei, that they don’t dig deep, they collect on the tops. And the problems that old employees have known for a long time are not visible to consultants. In short, this thick superficial report is handed over to the bosses.

The management does not understand what to do with such a report, and calls the next consultants. Actually, for a year and a half, all the Big Four have been here.

At this moment, I understand that Sergei and his colleagues perceive me as another fruitless attempt by the management to change something with superficial actions. Well, this is a perfectly reasonable doubt, no matter how unpleasant it is to admit it.

By the end of our coffee drinking, Sergey and I agreed that we would not solve all their problems with my training specifically. But we can fix something.

The next day, everything changed. Sergei became the "champion" in all exercises. If someone started to slow down or hesitated, then he urged the whole group. By the end of the second day, the “youth group” was performing better, more vigorously and more efficiently than the first training group.

At the end of the training, we had a great conversation with the guys over a glass of a good Scottish drink, but that's another story….

What happened? Miraculously, I managed to understand what was happening, forcing myself to communicate with a person who was initially unpleasant to me. This story taught me a lot. That an unpleasant person is not a diagnosis for life. And most likely, there is a reason in his behavior. And that reason is you.

Where do we proceed when we talk about building relationships with unpleasant people?

1. It's hard to change another person. The character of a person is laid in deep childhood. Takes part in the formation of habits, outlook on life a large number of people, including parents. It is unlikely that you, even using the latest developments in the field of silver bullets, will be able to change the person himself.

Theoretically, having received the education of a coach, building a trusting relationship with a person (so that he begins to perceive you as a coach), you can, but:

2. Doing it quickly will not work. It is not a matter of two days or one magical reception. You can still hope that the person himself will change. "After all, it is obvious that to behave this way is stupid ..." "Life will teach him ..."

Well, yes. Like Vysotsky:

Now let me say a few words without protocol:
What do family and school teach us?
That life itself would punish such people severely.
Here we agree, tell me, Seryoga?

Well, yes, she will. Or not teach - how lucky you are. And with this person somehow continue to communicate ...

3. Why a person behaves this way - we do not know. As in the case of Sergei from the training, there may be some reason why the person behaves this way.

The most common reason is you. Not in the sense that you are a bad, worthless person. But obviously there was something negative about the person's experience that you coincide with. Why is not clear, but this is how it is. So:

4. We can do something ourselves. You don't need to leave your family and go to a monastery. There are much simpler but powerful techniques.

Reception number 1. Start saying thank you. In his book The Psychology of Influence, the American sociologist Robert Cialdini formulates the principle of mutual exchange. The meaning of the principle is very simple: before you expect something from another person, it would be good to do something for him.

This principle is supported by numerous studies. For example, in one of them, sociologists decided to check how much the size of a tip in a restaurant depends on whether chewing gum is added to the bill for each guest or not.

The experiment showed that when gum is put in, more tips are left. (Do you also get gum on the bill?)

Interestingly, this experiment had a continuation. Sociologists decided to test how the amount of gum put in affects the tip. The two gum increased the tip a little more. But further, the increase in the number of chewing gum ceased to affect.

But the maximum tip, as it turned out, the guests of the restaurant leave in another case. When the waiter brings them a bill with one gum per person. And leaves. And then, as if thinking it over, he comes back and gives one more gum each.

How can we apply the principle of mutual exchange to communication with unpleasant people? What would he, a bastard, give such that he finally fell in love with us? The easiest way is to start saying “thank you”.

For what? Yes, for everything! Look, you don't have to tell me that an unpleasant person only does bad things. This is not Doctor Evil. Most likely, he does something useful at work. Sometimes, expresses sound thoughts. Yes, even for criticism, you can say thank you, if there is no fear that the crown will fall from the head.

Once upon a time, I had a chance to work in a large project. We worked especially closely with one team. The team was led by Anton.

Anton is a great guy, we immediately became friends. Tactful, calm, balanced, never shouts. But somehow my team didn't like him. At some point it dawned on me why. Anton and I communicated personally, a lot by phone and Skype. And he communicated with the team through mail and defect tracking systems. At the same time, the tone of the correspondence was quite official, formal. And what seemed important to me - I did not see that Anton wrote "thank you" to someone at least once. I call him:

Antokha, there is such interesting topic... I looked at our correspondence. For a year and a half that we have been working, I have never seen a thank you from you. Not to the team, not to anyone else.

Come on?!!

The Chilean psychologist Marsial Losada at one time deduced the Losada ratio, which says what the ratio of positive and negative feedback should be in order for people to listen to you.

That is, praise people should be 3 times more often than scold. If you are a parent, the ratio should be MORE for the child, since the child initially listens to you more.

Hence a simple thought, it is also a question: what is the ratio of positive and negative messages from you to the person who is unpleasant to you? Isn't it time to change this?

Reception number 2. Ask for advice. Another important principle in sociology is the Principle of Commitment or the Principle of Consistency.

We all want to feel like people who live and act consistently, in accordance with our values, beliefs and previous actions.

American sociologists conducted the following experiment. They invited home owners to hang a poster on the fence in defense of environment, measuring 3 m by 4 m. It is clear that among the home owners, there are not so many big fans of the environment, but still, a certain number of people agreed.

Then another group of homeowners was asked to hang a small A4 poster on their home in defense of the same environment. A week later, the researchers came to them with the words: you know, could you replace that small poster with this one. It is slightly larger, A3 format.

In the second group of home owners who ended up with a large poster on the fence, there were significantly more. Why? The principle of consistency.

How can we use this when dealing with unpleasant people? The easiest way is to ask for advice. For any reason. You take a topic in which this person understands as well as you (at work, in life, in a hobby). Did he figure out the other department's system? Recently renovated? Started skydiving? Ask him for advice.

When we ask a person for advice, we thereby say several pleasant things to him:

"I consider you in something more experienced and smarter than myself"

"I am ready to listen to you"

Hearing such things is pleasant for everyone. What happens next? When a person has given you advice, it will be hard enough for him to argue with you. Because help and confrontation are different behaviors, and people ... love to be consistent. Another technique is based on the same principle:

Reception number 3. Ask for a favor. Historians tell the following story about Benjamin Franklin, yes, that same guy from the $ 100 bill. Franklin is interesting not only because he was famous statesman, but also by the fact that he invented and implemented his own method of developing virtues. But the story is not about that. And that in parliament he had one opponent with whom he could not find a common language.

And at some point, Franklin asked him rare book which he knew his colleague had. He was surprised to bring him this book, and from that moment began to treat him completely differently: he listened to his opinion much more attentively. And their relationship gradually improved.

Why? Obviously, the following chain has developed in the opponent's head:

"Why did he ask me for this book?"

"Is he interested in the same thing as me?"

"Hmm, maybe Franklin isn't such a bad person ..."

From all this, Comrade Franklin concluded that:

The one who once did you a favor will do it again and more willingly than the one who owes you.

Asking for a favor is another way to start improving your relationship with someone you don't like.

What to do right now?

Finally, so that this article does not pass by, but brings some real benefit - you need to do something, right? If in your environment (at work, family, somewhere else) there is a person who is unpleasant to you, then:

Analyze your relationship history with an unpleasant person
- What did you do to make him treat you well?
- What is your positive / negative ratio in relationships with people and this person (check the mail)?
- Learn a little more about the person (social network)
- What can you give him? (advice, favor, gratitude)

Do it!

PS If you have your own story of how you established a relationship with someone who was initially unpleasant to you, write about it in the comments. And if you liked the article, feel free to like and repost so that more people imbued with the right ideas. :)

04/01/2017 at 08:45

Hello dear friends!

Communication is very important for modern man! Thanks to him, we share with the surrounding emotions, experiences, joys and troubles.

We can find a job, just talk, make useful contacts, find a life partner, and simply convey the feelings of living life, literally! But how to achieve ease and ease?

Introvertism is becoming more and more a part of nature. It's easier for us to write than to call a person. Less and less want to visit noisy companies, waste time looking for friends. Moreover, we find it painful to make new acquaintances just by saying "Hello, how are you?"

Ease of communication is an easy exchange of information, knowledge, reflections and thoughts, which does not take you out of a sense of comfort and into an atmosphere that strains your consciousness.

This is a process in which you remain yourself, enjoying the company of people who are close to you in spirit or radically different, with the same pleasure.

Communication can bring groups of people with very different views together. And even if you do not fully know the language of your opponent, you will be able to establish contact with him using other, non-verbal signs.

This is a fun game that allows you to improve, learn about space and get the invaluable experience of communicating with another, living person, in the form of an unread book.

As everybody

There are people who are used to building their world according to a template. “This is how it should be”, “It’s like this for everyone” - these are habits that do not allow you to go beyond. Such individuals are more accustomed to being in the status of "like everyone else", although with this approach the risk of living the life of a stranger is too great, and by no means their own.

It is painfully difficult for them to stand out, discuss, listen to the opinions of other individuals, learning something new and interesting for themselves.

And the worst thing in all of this is to remain yourself, defending the right to vote, view, conviction or position.For this reason, many people prefer to close in their little world and take a position of incognito, rid themselves of the flow of fresh air.

A common mistake

I would like to warn you against a common mistake in communication. Little is said about her, but her influence is great. Very often, a person strives so strongly to arouse interest in the interlocutor that he resorts to the help of a negative trigger. What does it mean?

He can talk about some frightening phenomena or events, rumors or nasty things seen on the blue screen. And a similar scheme works! The opponent was frightened by the message, thus he became interested.

But at the same time, it is just focusing on the danger that is communicated aloud. After listening to a portion of the negative, an unpleasant residue will remain. Of course, most people use this technique unconsciously.

But I will reveal a little secret. Such listeners are lovers of "hot", empty fables and the desire to ring out information further. You will not arouse any interest in your person in this way. Moreover, such a briefing is like declaiming and trying to iron out the silence.

Are there effective advice from psychologistswho know firsthand how to build a conversation with people? And what qualities do you need to reveal in yourself?

A positive outlook on the world

Radiating good mood charging the atmosphere optimistic , you will be able to get people's attention to your personality without resorting to intimidation. People are drawn to the good and this craving outweighs the need to receive a portion of the negative aspects.

Learn to bring light and goodness in all your manifestations. A smile, benevolent posture and a look in the eyes of the interlocutor are must have! Joke correctly without using sarcasm or irony.

It is especially important to keep yourself in the company of strangers who are not aware that this is your humor.

The ability to listen

You can rush endlessly about your victories, plans, difficulties or discoveries, only you must provide a similar action to your opponent.

Listening is just as pleasant as speaking, only in silence. Thus, you show the person that he is interesting and, most importantly, important!

Learn to ask and wait for an answer, comment on and complement the conversation by participating in it with the help of suggestive or alternative questions... Master the tactics of passive listening and enjoy getting to know someone you just haven't heard before!

Acceptance of someone else's opinion

Tolerance is an opportunity to show tolerance, good breeding and intelligence. Destructive criticism, challenging views and outright confrontation in an attempt to prove the correctness of your words will please only your Ego!

But it's time to learn to think not only for yourself, but also for the comfort of the interlocutor's pastime. You are also responsible for the quality of the conversation!

Respect people!

Respect - it business card individual in relation to another. No one is interested in a banal demonstration of bad character , especially when a person justifies his boorish behavior with the phrase: "Yes, well, that's the way I am!"

Be more restrained and wiser, try to show your best qualities, taking pride in education and high morality.

Avoid arrogance, irritability and aggression, these are qualities that need to be tamed and minimized. Leave people the brightest that you have and they will reach for it.

No masks

The phrase “To be yourself” does not mean “to expose the insides of the basest qualities”, but, on the contrary, to show your facets of philanthropy, responsiveness, and sincerity.

After all, these are the aspects that actually form a person, with the word “Human” with a capital letter!

Friends, that's the point!

Subscribe to updates, and in the comments share your tips for developing the quality of easy communication. How do you meet new people? What are you focusing on? I look forward to your thoughts!

See you on the blog, bye bye!